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pen on paper: 'Dear diary'
Hello, human diary. It is once again I, Mitt Romney, your better.

Recent events have made the choosing of a vice presidential unit a top campaign priority. It seems clear that the only reason the press is so focused on questioning the origins of my wealth is because they are bored and have nothing better to talk about; giving them a vice presidential unit will, we hope, appease their summertime ennui.

The review process for each candidate is, however, utterly depressing, as I am once again reminded that all of my primary rivals were morons. That was helpful during the early primaries, but is not at all helpful when it comes to our own campaign attempting to prop one of them up as vice presidential material. We have decided to not choose anyone from that lot.

That leaves the usual bevy of current Republican statesmen, in which statesmanship is proven primarily during any given year by having the good sense not to run for president even though other people are suggesting it to you. Of this lot, there are perhaps a half-dozen. All of them are irritating people to be around, and I cannot say that any of them bring anything to the team that I have not already brought. (They are also depressingly poor: I could probably buy the lot of them if I felt like it, but that would require another change to the Constitution.)

My staff has been hounding me on a daily basis on the subject, arguing that the need to relieve the boredom of the press outweighs whatever misgivings I may have about this or that potential candidate. Still, I keep putting it off. The longer I can delay naming one of them as my running mate, the less time I will have to spend on the campaign trail interacting with them.

I miss my bus.

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