It's been a while since we checked in with our creepy Cretaceous critters. I'm sorry to report that they're still roaming the Earth, causing no end of problems.
Griftasaurus palinii, the paleontological gift that keeps on giving, has taken on Dickasaurus cheneyii in a Mesozoic mixed-martial-arts bout that promises massive paleo-per-view revenues. G. palinii's continuing quest for relevance has taken her to the Permian Basin, where she endorsed Baggasaur candidate for the the US Senate, Conservasaurus tedcruzii, who -to the dismay of Progressive Texasaurs, prevailed in his runoff election yesterday.
C. tedcruzii beat out Moderasaurus dewhurstii, long-time right-paw man of our own Gaffasaurus perrii. You'd think that years of serving in the shadow of G. perrii would entitle M. dewhurstii to some sort of recognition, but even that (and his own megamillions in personal donations to his campaign) could not overcome the red-in-tooth-and-claw appeal of C. tedcruzii to the Baggasaur faithful, who yearn to live off their Social Security and Medicare benefits without the intrusion of the Federal governosaurs.
G. perrii, meanwhile, is keeping a mercifully low profile, having expended what little political capital he had left supporting M. dewhurstii. Speculation abounds on G. perrii's next move. Will he run yet again in 2014? Will excavations of his closets at the newly renovated Governor's Cave finally bring to light the skeletons that abound?
Meanwhile, the shrieky Archeopteryx bachmanii has been flapping around wildly, warning of Islamasaurus infiltration, her witless vocalizations finally causing many GOPasaurs to petition for taxonomic reclassification if only to escape this paleo-harpy's increasingly bizarre behavior.
In other Texasaur news, Libertariasaurus paulii is hard at work, planning for the upcoming Tussle in the Tampa Tar Pits. This wily septuagenariasaur should not be written off as extinct; far from it. Expect some paleo-electoral shenanigans to spark a bench-clearing brawl, just one more headache for the campaign weary...
Brontosaurus romneii, fresh from his Continental Drift tour, fending off velociraptors nipping at his heels, daring to ask questions of the Large One. Imagine! Having to stoop so low as to interact with other saurids?! The indignity!
Things have not been going well for B. romneii. His vast wealth and many finely-furnished caves (with stone wheel elevators) cannot shield him from continuing calls for transparency. What, we wonder, has this shady creature been doing with his financial dealings? Why will he not simply allow the light to shine into the Cave of Bain? What is he hiding in the treasure trove of taxation? Why can't he make a single truthful vocalization on any subject?
Once content to roam North America, B. Romneii's territory has now expanded to global proportions as he stomps across Eurasia, assailing foreign dino-dignitaries, insulting their countries and customs, and sparking outrage among paleo-Palestinians with his shameless pandering to the Israelosaurs.
Now a wholly-owned subsidiary of Casinosaurus adelsonii, B. Romneii has taken shameless pandering to new depths in an effort to maintain a steady flow of support from the Mesozoic mogul.
Meanwhile, Dressageasurus annromneii has emerged to defend B. romneii from claims that his vast wealth and cyborg-like demeanor suggest that he's out of touch with the Mesozoic mainstream. However, attempting to portray her soul-less saurian spouse as an average everyday dino, scrabbling out a miserable existence in the miasmic swamp of life has not proven to be a winning tactic.
If anything, it's proven that the entire romneii genus lacks any genetic or empathic ties to the rest of us, which is probably a good thing in the long run. At least we can evolve, while they stay mired in the evolutionary tar pits.
Observing all of these fossil follies from the White Cave, Obamasaurus Rex must wonder what he did wrong in a previous geologic era to be locked in such a close race with the bloviating B. romneii, whose extinction, often foreshadowed, has failed to materialize.
With your concerted efforts, we can consign these rampaging reptiles to footnotes in the fossil record. Until then, though, be afraid. Be very afraid.