Say what you want about Willard Mitt Romney (heaven knows I have...) but the man's an investment savant. He's enriched himself from the pain and suffering of thousands of people who have been wrenched from their jobs, careers, and indoor living lifestyle in his Reign of Error at Bain Capital. It's nothing personal (to Mitt, anyway); it's just business. Always the shrewd investor, Mitt makes money on the way up, and on the way down, "long" and "short".
If by some horrific combination of circumstances this Mammon-worshiping Tax-Evader-In-Chief becomes our next President, we're facing some truly apocalyptic outcomes. [Upward] wealth distribution will begin in earnest, as factories are shuttered, foreclosures skyrocket, government benefits are slashed, and the safety net is shredded, allowing millions of Americans to plummet into the abyss of joblessness, homelessness, and despair.
All the while, Mitt will be profiting. Oh, sorry. I mean that his "blind trust" will be profiting. So will the investments of Mitt's 1%-of-the-1% "fortunati". Your investments? not so much. Your 401(k) will be a 101(k) before you can say "WTF?!"
So... if you've ever asked yourself:
"Self! How can I take advantage of advance information to make this kind of investment income so I don't need to drag my sorry ass to the office every day?"this is your lucky day!
While we here at the Great Orange Securities and Trading Commission don't endorse insider trading, your intrepid diarist has collaborated with an investment firm that prefers to remain anonymous to bring you some commodities trading "suggestions" that will enable you to invest wisely for a possible "Mitt-pocalypse".
Consider what life will be like under a Mitt presidency: while a few of the "fortunati" will make out very, very well, most of the rest of us will be losing ground economically. Everything we take for granted - food, shelter, decent schools, functioning infrastructure, medical care, clean air and water - will be set back or eliminated completely.
Sure, this sounds depressing but... If you act now, and use our proprietary “Mitt-Pocalypse Investment Tips”, you can profit from the coming financial end times! Just like Mitt's Bainiac friends, a few strategic moves now will allow you to capitalize on the coming despair and generate an income stream to keep the wolf from the door. With any luck, you can earn enough to maintain your indoor lifestyle, with a little left over for a six-pack of beer.
Follow along below the wealth gap for our proprietary investment suggestions...
Camping grea makers: As more Americans lose their homes due to unemployment, medical bills, family break-ups, or bank malfeasance, they’ll need someplace to live. Tent cities will be springing up across the country like mushrooms after the rain, and every new tent “home” means money in your pocket! Add in the "accessories" - cookstoves, lanterns, sleeping bags, tarps, ponchos - and you can see that this is a "must-invest" sector.
Payday loan companies: These usurious operations prey on the poor, who can't make ends meet in the best of times. These are not the best of times. Expect a major expansion in geographic reach as these parasitic operations move into every strip mall and downtown building formerly occupied by a thriving local businesses. The potential customer base will grow exponentially as unemployment and the cost of living rise, and math skills continue to plummet.
Flour, baking powder, chocolate, butter, shortening, and sugar: these ordinary and unglamourous commodities will be selling like hotcakes as local fire departments and schools turn to bake sales as their primary source of funding to offset "belt-tightening". Fill your portfolio with the staples, and watch your profits rise!
Second-hand clothing stores: the nouveau tent city “lifestyle” will lead to a resurgence in denim overalls, fingerless gloves, pork-pie hats, flannel shirts, and related merchandise round out the look. Thrift shops, Army-Navy surplus outlets, and consignment stores will replace major chain store as shoppers seek out the latest in “railyard chic”.
Porta-Johns: with the proliferation of tent cities, long lines at the unemployment office, and a resurgence in migrant farm work, people will need a place to go". You can make some tidy profits in the porta-john sector, from manufacturing, to distribution, set-up, supplies, and maintenance. Don’t turn up your nose at this underappreciated sector!
Automobile parts: as families keep their aging clunkers, car parts will become a “hot” commodity. Despite zoning regulations, we foresee growth in “home chop shops” where proprieters barter their repair services, spawning a new cottage industry. An entrepreneurial visionary could link these backyard operations into a network accessible by those still fortunate enough to own an automobile, maybe something like “Dregs List”.
Laundromats: the newly homeless need someplace to do their laundry, network for employment opportunities, and read magazines they can no longer afford. Enter the lowly Washateria, the perfect cash-based business where you can literally launder your money. Labor cost are minimal, as attendants will work in exchange for a roll of quarters, which they turn around and spend at the Washateria. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Disclaimer 1: your intrepid diarist has no current position in any of these commodities, nor any intentions to buy within the next 48 hours. Or ever, really. Invest at your own peril. Some people will make huge amounts of money; you, not so much. Void where prohibited by the laws of supply and demand.
Disclaimer 2: you could avoid all unpleasantness by investing in the Obama campaign. The Dow Jones Industrial Average and the NASDAQ have risen dramatically over the course of Obama's first term. Just sayin'...