From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
It's Very Simple
[Sigh]
Mitt Romney puts several years of tax returns in an envelope. Admittedly, a very, very large envelope.
I'd recommend an underwater swap
simulcast on Fox and MSNBC
Harry Reid places the name of his source into an envelope. Admittedly a very, very small envelope.
The envelopes are given to a trustworthy third party. I suggest Gabby Douglas.
Everyone meets at an agreed-upon neutral location.
The third party (if Gabby's not available I suggest Capt. Chesley Sullenberger) gives Mitt's envelope to Harry and Harry's envelope to Mitt. Let the pants catch fire as they may.
There. Problem solved. I'm goin' downstairs now.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Note: The nutritional content of C&J is equal to five pounds of fresh fruits and vegetables. And by fresh, of course, I mean freshly tossed into a dumpster.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 94th PGA Championship on Kiawah Island, South Carolina: 1
Days `til the 20th annual Great Falls Balloon Festival in Lewiston/Auburn, Maine: 9
Percent of American households made up of just one person in, respectively, 1950 and today: 9.3% / 27%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Amount in Iran-connected transactions that British-based bank Standard Chartered Plc allegedly hid until they got caught: $250 billion
(Source: MSNBC)
Year of the penny that's affixed to the Mars Rover Curiosity, which its Hand Lens Imager uses to focus: 1909
Speed at which Curiosity moves: 0.5 mph
(Source: USA Today)
Estimated cost of an Olympic gold medal, which is 93% silver and 3% gold: $1,000
(Source: CBS News)
U.S. Olympic Medal Count: Gold: 30 Silver: 19 Bronze: 21
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 184 (including 2 Supernatural Phenomena and 1 flock of zombie tribbles). Soul Protection Factor 18 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
P.S. Our first Mid-week Rapture Index debuted six years ago this week. Back then, the magic number stood at a low, low 158. Not to sound alarmist, but you might want to keep a duffle bag under your bed with a few changes of underwear, a toothbrush, and a wad of cash (yes, you can take it with you). And a passport---Heaven requires a passport now.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Simple advice
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CHEERS to pride in your POTUS. For those of you keeping score (and isn’t that what we're taught life's all about?), all of the living ex-presidents from the Democratic party will play a supporting role at the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte. None of the living ex-presidents from the Republican party will play a supporting role---or any role at all---at the Republican National Convention in Tampa. From what I hear, George Bush Sr. is too frail to be there, and George Bush Jr. is too "FAIL!" to be there.
CHEERS to the modern-day Matlock. The Rev. Pat Robertson has solved another mystery, this one involving the motive for the massacre at the Sikh temple near Milwaukee. What happened was, the atheists pissed off God and…well, etcetera etcetera, Amen. Isn't our country lucky to have him on the beat?
Nixon and Agnew
JEERS to stupid Republican tricks. Thirty nine years ago today, on August 8, 1973, Vice President Spiro Agnew called accusations that he took kickbacks as governor of Maryland "damned lies." He maintained his innocence until October 10, when he issued another statement: "Oh, you meant
thoooose kickbacks! I quit. Goodbye!" Meanwhile, on this date in 1974, Agnew's boss Richard Nixon resigned in disgrace. (Watch him yuk it up as he
prepares to deliver his resignation speech.) Too bad. They made such a lovely couple.
MEH to bottomless ATMs. I have good news and bad news this morning. The bad news: based on July fundraising totals, Mitt Romney's campaign has become a perpetual embarrassment of riches. The good news: Barack Obama's campaign has become a perpetual embarrassment of Mitt Romney.
JEERS to premature accolades. Last fall a beloved, can-do-no-wrong minister in Bangor, Maine committed suicide by jumping off a bridge. The outpouring of grief was almost creepy---everyone from our U.S. Senators to news reporters went out f their way to praise this guy as a living saint, even though his death indicated something was clearly amiss. Well, now we know why Rev. Bob Carlson ended it all: he'd been tipped off that authorities were about to nab him for spending 40 years preying on kids. Yeah---another sicko pedophile schtupping for Jesus, and enough people in positions of authority kinda sorta knew he was a bad apple, but they did nothing. Portland Press Herald columnist Bill Nemitz is hopping mad, and rightly so:
Pedophiles must be pursued
What makes the state police report so unsettling is the preponderance of raised eyebrows that seemed to follow Carlson everywhere he went---right down to the two detectives in the Penobscot County Sheriff's Office who found it "rather upsetting" when Carlson asked if he could view images of child pornography from a case they were working, "for research he was conducting." (Request, thankfully, denied.) Yet nowhere amid all this tiptoeing did anyone dig deeper, maybe put Carlson under surveillance or, perish the thought, get directly in the face of the man with the halo who always seemed to have a young boy or two in tow. …
[H]ere's a challenge to the next Legislature: Give us a law that puts the fear of God (not to mention prison) into mandated reporters who, when all those dots start to look like "Help," fail to err on the side of Maine's children. … Let's all get off our tiptoes and start chasing these animals down.
With steamrollers.
CHEERS to thin-skinned old coots. Ha ha ha! Permission granted to point and laugh at the billionaire Koch brothers for getting bent out of shape over their portrayal in the flickers:
Opens Friday
In The Campaign, out this weekend, Will Ferrell plays an incumbent Congressman who’s running what’s supposed to be an uncontested race, when a pair of wealthy brothers by the name of Motch put up a genial dummy, played by Zach Galifianakis, to run against him. Unsurprisingly, Galifianakis confirmed that the brothers, played in the movie by Dan Aykroyd and John Lithgow, are meant to be a stand-in for the real-life industrialists and right-wing political funders Charles and David Koch, and mentioned in a recent interview that he found the pair “creepy.” …
Phillip Ellender, Koch Industries’ president for government affairs, issued a statement on the brothers’ behalf, saying: "We disagree with his uninformed characterization of Koch and our beliefs.
Oh, tell it to the champagne fountain at your next yacht-side garden party, ya big babies. Meanwhile,
The Campaign opens Friday and it's getting mostly "fresh tomatoes" over at, um,
Rotten Tomatoes. Fingers crossed---it looks promising.
P.S. I thought Abraham Lincoln was being played by Daniel Day Lewis in the upcoming Steven Spielberg flick. I was mistaken. It appears that Abraham Lincoln is being played by Abraham Lincoln. We regret the error.
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Five years ago in C&J: August 8, 2007
JEERS to Gloomy Gus. Look, Mitt, if you want to run the country you'll have to stop acting like a crybaby. "I'm tired of you doing this! I'm tired of you accusing me of doing that! I'm tired of everyone being mean to me! I'm not gonna stand here and take this. I'm not going to have this discussion if you're not gonna kiss my ass!" No wonder his dog prefers to ride on the roof.
CHEERS (followed by a really big asterisk) to #756. Last night Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron's home run record. To celebrate, he ripped Candlestick Park from its foundation and carried it to the local Dairy Queen where he treated fans to a free Blizzard.
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And just one more…
JEERS to fear-based marketing. One year ago the conservative media outlet known as NewsMax posted an ad that caught my eye on Facebook. This was the copy they posted to get people to click on it:
Obama's Coming Depression
50% unemployment,
90% stock market collapse,
100% inflation.
See the evidence.
Horrors! I went to check it out and it turned out they were---surprise---using fear to sell shitty investments. I actually read the fine print, and here's what it said, in part (and in all caps):
This photo sends a thrill
up Newsmax's leg
NO GUARANTEE OF ANY KIND IS IMPLIED OR POSSIBLE WHERE PROJECTIONS OF FUTURE CONDITIONS ARE ATTEMPTED. IN NO EVENT SHOULD THE CONTENT OF THIS REPORT BE CONSTRUED AS AN EXPRESS OR IMPLIED PROMISE, GUARANTEE OR IMPLICATION BY OR FROM THE SERVICES, NEWSMAX OR ANY OF ITS OFFICERS, DIRECTORS, EMPLOYEES, AFFILIATES OR OTHER AGENTS THAT YOU WILL PROFIT OR THAT LOSSES CAN OR WILL BE LIMITED IN ANY MANNER WHATSOEVER.
One year later, I think a li'l fact check is in order: needless to say, unemployment is nowhere near 50 percent, the stock market is heading towards record-high territory, and inflation is 1.66 percent. So I say, buy buy buy! (Disclaimer: Anything but what NewsMax is selling.)
And now here's Marvin Hamlisch, scoring one of the best James Bond scenes ever, to play us out…with plenty of cowbell. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“It seems to me there’s one rule for Bill in Portland Maine and one rule for everybody else,”
---Anthony Baxter
8/5/12
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