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Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

Tomorrow I will be on a bus! I cannot wait to see my old friend, Mr. Bus, again. This will be a four day tour of Virginia, North Carolina, Florida and Ohio. They have not told me yet how we will be making the trip from Florida to Ohio in only one day and, even more impressively, without passing through any other states, but I can only assume they have installed some wonderful new gadgets on Mr. Bus that allow such things.

Today I visited an Iowa farmer in yet another attempt to bond with the American common folk. I had no idea what farm life was like, but as soon as I arrived, the place felt comfortable and familiar to me. Farmers live in large, disk-shaped towers with panoramic views of the surrounding landscape, have underground washing bays for their personal vehicles, and own convention centers as their side businesses. I can see now why farmers are always described as such hard workers. If these drought conditions continue, farmers will be forced to rely solely on their convention centers for revenue.

We have decided to respond to the crisis caused by my press secretary claiming a law I once passed may have benefitted sick commoners by ignoring it, for now. I have also taken this opportunity to chide the opposing campaign for supporting such scurrilous attacks as to cause my press secretary to claim I once passed laws benefiting sick commoners, and to ask them to behave more like my own, more dignified surrogates—like Donald Trump. My opponent has been using far too many non-wealthy people as surrogates, which is an outrageous way for a campaign to behave.

Still no decision on a vice presidential unit. We have been encouraging the press to write glowing things about how we might perhaps be considering that Paul Ryan person for the position; hopefully, this will somewhat mollify the fellow when we do not pick him, as we most certainly will not if I have any say in the matter. I do not think politics is going to work out well for him in the long run. Perhaps I will encourage him to become a farmer? Living in a disk-shaped house with panoramic views of your owned property, just like the American pioneers of old, seems a pleasant, though austere, life.

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