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Last night, Jon Stewart had a hilarious post-Robert Pattison discussion with John Hodgman providing some context about Paul Ryan's budget plan.  It was a tour de force, where Jon had to compare the 2012 race to Twilight in an effort to appeal to a younger demographic and their ratings.

We're talking about Paul Ryan!  He's got the Republican base all fired up.  And in his first speech as the VP nominee on Saturday, he made it clear he is here to fix what ails us.
PAUL RYAN (8/11/2012): Higher unemployment, declining incomes, and crushing debt is not a new normal! ... It is the result of misguided policies.

Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  He has misguided po... (fake teeth suddenly pop out of Jon's mouth)

Anyway, what Paul Ryan is saying is that we are trillions of dollars in debt, and that that is due to what he is saying are the misguided policies of, we are to assume, Barack Obama.  So let's look at how we went from a 1990s surplus to this enormous publicly held debt.

Well, let's see, $1.7 trillion of the debt comes from the Bush tax cuts, two foreign wars, you know, that ain't cheap, Medicare D plan, that was new entitlement spending, there was some extra defense spending that was in there, more tax cuts, there was the TARP bank bailout.  I mean, that is a lot of debt.

I mean, what kind of an irresponsible lunatic would vote for every one of these misguided fiscal time bombs?  I'll give you a hint.  His name begins with Paul Ryan and ends with silence and this is his picture!!

(wild audience applause)

....

With the selection of Paul Ryan, the Republicans will be putting their money where their mouths are philosophically.  Right, every Republican who's ever been asked about Ryan's somewhat austere plans over the last 72 hours?

RNC CHAIR REINCE PRIEBUS (8/12/2012): I think that Mitt Romney appreciates and admires the work and the ideas that Paul Ryan has done.  But Mitt Romney has his own plan.

TIM PAWLENTY (8/13/2012): Governor Romney has said he's going to have his own plan, and does have his own plan.

8/14/2012:

SOLEDAD O'BRIEN: It sounds awfully like the Paul Ryan Medicare plan.

JOHN SUNUNU: But it's very different.

But don't go there, Soledad!  Where did you get the balls, liberal media, to suggest Mitt Romney's Medicare plan is in any way similar to Ryan's plan for Medicare?
MITT ROMNEY (8/13/2012): My plan for Medicare is very similar to his plan for Medicare.
(audience laughter and applause)

That guy is totally in the tank for Obama!!  Wait, I'm sure Governor Romney can clear up this confusion.

MITT ROMNEY (8/13/2012): I'm sure there are places that my budget is different than his, but we're on the same page. ... The items that we agree on, I think, outweigh any differences there may be.  We haven't gone through piece by piece.
Basically, what he's saying is, the budget plans for the two of them are very different, but really mostly the same, although we really haven't compared them yet.  This campaign is more confusing than a movie about a vampire in love with a non-vampire girl whose other boyfriend is a werewolf, and isn't as much into her as he is into her baby, Renesmee.

JOHN HODGMAN: Oh!  Oh you cynic!  Twilight is like this campaign, but not because it's confusing.  Because it requires you to free your spirit, and have a blatant and utter disregard for logic!  Twilight is like Fox News.  It's not meant for your mind!  You watch it with your heart and your guts.  Jon, you'd have to be dead inside not to see that.

Video and full transcript below the fold.

Anyway, join me now for Democalypse 2012: Wait!  Don't Leave!  Here Is a Picture of Taylor Lautner Edition.

To the election!  I will make this work.  Two men battle in this election.  One of them belonging to a very old, very pale clan of ancient blood-suckers.  The other, a wild, young, and diverse feral group of incoherent people.  Both competing for something only one of them can possess: a four-year Constitutionally mandated term heading our nation's executive branch.  I mean, the love of an underage woman named America!

One of the men, the vampire,

has chosen -- What is the equivalent of a Vice Presidential running mate? -- Goddamnit!!  We're talking about Paul Ryan!  He's got the Republican base all fired up.  And in his first speech as the VP nominee on Saturday, he made it clear he is here to fix what ails us.

PAUL RYAN (8/11/2012): Higher unemployment, declining incomes, and crushing debt is not a new normal! ... It is the result of misguided policies.

Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  He has misguided po... (fake teeth suddenly pop out of Jon's mouth)

Anyway, what Paul Ryan is saying is that we are trillions of dollars in debt, and that that is due to what he is saying are the misguided policies of, we are to assume, Barack Obama.  So let's look at how we went from a 1990s surplus to this enormous publicly held debt.

Well, let's see, $1.7 trillion of the debt comes from the Bush tax cuts, two foreign wars, you know, that ain't cheap, Medicare D plan, that was new entitlement spending, there was some extra defense spending that was in there, more tax cuts, there was the TARP bank bailout.  I mean, that is a lot of debt.

I mean, what kind of an irresponsible lunatic would vote for every one of these misguided fiscal time bombs?  I'll give you a hint.  His name begins with Paul Ryan and ends with silence and this is his picture!!

(wild audience applause)

Well, that was a little wonky, but I'm beginning to think Paul Ryan's past positions don't really hold up to the light of day, much like Edward Cullen, and actual light of day!  Ha ha.

JOHN HODGMAN: All right, that's enough, Jon!

JON STEWART: Huh?  John Hodgman, what are you doing here?

JOHN HODGMAN: I'm ending this sick charade, your feeble and craven attempt and co-opting one of the most important quadrologies in modern sexy fantasy literature.  Also known as horror-otica.

JON STEWART: Whore?

JOHN HODGMAN: No, no, horror.

JON STEWART: Whor-otica?

JOHN HODGMAN: No, hor-ror.  Hor-ror.  That is not the point!!

JON STEWART: All right.

JOHN HODGMAN: The point is, Twilight vampires aren't your stuffy Old World "Bluh, I vant to suck your blood" Romanian aristocracy types who evaporate in daylight.  No!

JON STEWART: I see.

JOHN HODGMAN: They're young, and sexy, and shirtless.  And when the sunlight hits them, they sparkle.

JON STEWART: I see.  I guess when it rains....

JOHN HODGMAN: Well, it rains, they play baseball, obviously.  They're vampires.  Specifically, they play baseball in thunderstorms, for their mighty bat cracks would otherwise attract unwanted attention of the townfolk.

JON STEWART: That sounds like the dumbest th....

JOHN HODGMAN: Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!!!  Jon, Jon!  Your demo is listening, Jon!  After all, what was your favorite show growing up?

JON STEWART: (mumbles) Banana Splits.

JOHN HODGMAN: What, what?  I'm sorry, what?  What?  What?

JON STEWART: The Banana Splits.

JOHN HODGMAN: Ah, Banana Splits, yes!

Four psychotic furries who lived in a psychedelic clubhouse!

(wild audience laughter and applause)

JON STEWART: Anyway!  The spending Paul Ryan was the old Paul Ryan!  He appeared to have an epiphany about the spending sometime around when the Democrats took over the budget, and is now an idea man!

MEGYN KELLY (8/14/2012): We have heard a growing number of comparisons between Mr. Ryan and former President Ronald Reagan.

STEPHEN HAYES (8/5/2012): Paul Ryan has been the one who's led the charge on entitlement reform.

WISCONSIN GOVERNOR SCOTT WALKER (8/12/2012): ... probably the smartest person I know in politics.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE (8/12/2012): He actually has done the intellectual work, the rigorous work of putting detailed proposals on the table.

MITT ROMNEY (8/11/2012): Paul Ryan has become an intellectual leader of the Republican Party.

"In fact, I, Mitt Romney, am merely a well-chiseled delivery system for our nation's real future leader.  I am the flavorless gel cap surrounding the bitter fiscal medicine we so desperately need to survive, a flavorless husk there to...."  Oh.

All right!  So when do we start implementing Ryan's genius plans, like defunding Medicaid and converting it into block grants?  And he had one plan for privatizing Social Security a while back.  And transforming Medicare into just a voucher system, all while reducing the tax burden on our nation's overburdened super-rich, allowing them to... soar like vampires that can't actually fly, but are so strong that when they jump, it looks like they're fucking flying!  So I guess, that's what....

JOHN HODGMAN: (gives two thumbs up) Now you're talking, Lipsville.

JON STEWART: Finally!  With the selection of Paul Ryan, the Republicans will be putting their money where their mouths are philosophically.  Right, every Republican who's ever been asked about Ryan's somewhat austere plans over the last 72 hours?

RNC CHAIR REINCE PRIEBUS (8/12/2012): I think that Mitt Romney appreciates and admires the work and the ideas that Paul Ryan has done.  But Mitt Romney has his own plan.

TIM PAWLENTY (8/13/2012): Governor Romney has said he's going to have his own plan, and does have his own plan.

8/14/2012:

SOLEDAD O'BRIEN: It sounds awfully like the Paul Ryan Medicare plan.

JOHN SUNUNU: But it's very different.

But don't go there, Soledad!  Where did you get the balls, liberal media, to suggest Mitt Romney's Medicare plan is in any way similar to Ryan's plan for Medicare?
MITT ROMNEY (8/13/2012): My plan for Medicare is very similar to his plan for Medicare.
(audience laughter and applause)

That guy is totally in the tank for Obama!!  Wait, I'm sure Governor Romney can clear up this confusion.

MITT ROMNEY (8/13/2012): I'm sure there are places that my budget is different than his, but we're on the same page. ... The items that we agree on, I think, outweigh any differences there may be.  We haven't gone through piece by piece.
Basically, what he's saying is, the budget plans for the two of them are very different, but really mostly the same, although we really haven't compared them yet.  This campaign is more confusing than a movie about a vampire in love with a non-vampire girl whose other boyfriend is a werewolf, and isn't as much into her as he is into her baby, Renesmee.

JOHN HODGMAN: Oh!  Oh you cynic!  Twilight is like this campaign, but not because it's confusing.  Because it requires you to free your spirit, and have a blatant and utter disregard for logic!  Twilight is like Fox News.  It's not meant for your mind!  You watch it with your heart and your guts.  Jon, you'd have to be dead inside not to see that.

JON STEWART: Would I?

JOHN HODGMAN: What??

JON STEWART: Mua-ha-ha-ha!!  (Jon sparkles in the light)

JOHN HODGMAN: Jon!!  OK, you?  Bite me, bite me!

JON STEWART: It was just a stupid effect.

JOHN HODGMAN: No, no!  Bite me, I say!  I want to live forever!  Bite me!

JON STEWART: John Hodgman, everybody.  We'll be right back.  You can't, it's an effect.

Jon then showed how craven Papa John's CEO is being for blaming raising his prices on Obamacare.
Meanwhile, Stephen had a turn at Tim Pawlenty's defense of Romney/Ryan's lack of foreign policy experience, before really putting the screws to the new NBC reality show, "Stars Earn Stripes".
Stephen also continued his musical week aboard the USS Intrepid with indie band Grizzly Bear, who performed "Yet Again", and then just for the web, "Sleeping Ute" and "Two Weeks".

Jon interviewed beach volleyball Olympic gold medalist Misty May-Treanor.

Originally posted to BruinKid on Wed Aug 15, 2012 at 05:00 AM PDT.

Also republished by Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group.

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