While reading my usual line up this evening - dKos, TPM, Digby, Washington Monthly, and Atrios, I took a call from a PAC soliciting support for Willard.
It is my belief that any contact with the opposition is an opportunity to Eat Mitt's Money! So I went into my Old GOP Pigeon mode.
You can do it too, and it will barely disturb your routine as you chomp down Mitt's tasty green salad, seasoned with the tears of the people he's left jobless while he carries off their company's cash in a wheelbarrow.
My system follows below the ubiquitous orange pubes.
The object is to eat as much of the fundraiser's time as possible, while maintaining the illusion that this will be a profitable call for them.
I like to put a little quaver in my voice, putting them on that I'm an old retired geezer.
This is for several reasons. First, Hot damn, a dodderer with some cash! Second, by portraying a geezer, I can feign deafness, which allows me a good excuse to have them repeat everything they say several times, like 2 or 3 or five! Second, by feigning deafness, I can ignore most of what they say and continue my reading with the phone on speaker. I ignore them until I sense they're asking a question, then I say "I'm sorry sir, but I'm having a hard time hearing you on this connection." Now they have to say it all again, and I can ignore them and go back to my reading. When I hear a pause again, I can usually remember the last few words, so I can respond to them. Just keep 'em repeating things.
I like to be a sweet-tempered geezer for my act, it makes them like me, and think they can get a wad of cash out of me. Y'know, polite people are suckers.
When I finally must give answers, I always speak slowly and with great gentility. The emphasis is on s-l-o-w-l-y. Then I'll voluntarily repeat the stuff like my address back to them, when they don't ask me to. "O-oh young man, don't forget the zip code, that's important, the zip code. Mine is..."
Speak slowly, throw in an Ozzie Nelson stutter, (you youngsters can make it an Ozzie Osbourne stammer) ask for repeated statements, offer repeated statements unsolicited.
Finally they ask for the amount, usually suggesting the larger of several they have made earlier in our chat. They want a credit card number.
"O-oh, I'm sorry, but I don't use them - neither a borrower nor a lender be, you know! I only use cash and checks." They'll offer to take your info and process the check on the phone. "Well, I'm at my son's house, here. I-I'm watching his cats. Blossom is a little rascal...But my checkbook is at home, and I don't remember the numbers." Any crazy-ass tangent will work, grandkids, Mitt's horse on the Olympics, your lunch.
Then they offer to send a letter to me referencing this call, how much would I like to give? $250? "Well, sir, I can give a thousand, eight hundred dollars. Is that good?" I can hear him get a hard-on over the phone.
Remember to make as many requests for repeating as you can, speak slowly and hesitantly, throw in superfluous comments, and ignore them until you sense them waiting for your responses. If you let them know you're eating while on the phone with them, you can have a coughing/choking fit - a good chance to stretch your acting chops, maybe to the edge of vomiting.
"Sir! Sir! are you OK?"
"Oh, yeah hack*gack pudding went down the wrong pipe!" Let 'em hear you "spit", then say off the phone "Oh, I'll clean it up, Mother, don't fret."
To summarize, bait them with senile incompetence, and the promise of a larger donation than they ask for. Stutter, ignore, stammer, repeat. Talk about nonsequitur stuff, the weather, whatever. Gross 'em out for your own amusement.
Another variation is Try To Get a Bumper Sticker Without Making a Donation. Same sweet old duffer, but you're broke after your pension got cut, and you'd be proud to put Mitt's sticker on your car - "It's an '88 Pacer, but there's not a thing wrong with it!" You'll never get the sticker, but you can kill 15 minutes, if you have a drink, a smoke, and a comfy chair by the phone.
You can make them easily waste ten times, twenty times as much time as "Fuck you. No." would take, plus you got them for a letter, envelope, and postage.
Next time, we'll talk about What to Do With the Mailer from The Nice Young Man.