This is the most recent installment in my series of rants against all things Romney. The cack-handed artwork is my own.
Bob Lemon
Founder and President of the Society for Homuncular Intra-Uterine Transmission
August 26, 2012
Dear Congressman Ryan,
I write first to congratulate you on being chosen as Governor Romney's running mate on history's first cyborg presidential ticket. Go Badgers!
Second, and this is the meat of the issue, if you'll pardon the pun(s), I write to applaud your heroic defense of the Culture of Life. If I may be so bold as to quote the splendid bill that you co-sponsored with the sadly maligned Todd Aikin: “all the legal and constitutional attributes and privileges of personhood” accrue to the human egg at the moment of fertilization. Bravo, sir. This is a bold first step.
But we at the Society for Homuncular Intra-Uterine Transmission do not believe this goes nearly far enough. For too long now women have been muscling into the business of reproduction with their lady parts. It's time that we, the Y-chromosomed, took it back.
Sure, the naysayers may point out that a fertilized egg is just that before implantation, And at the moment of conception we do not yet know whether we are dealing with one individual Blastocyst-American endowed with inalienable rights, or two, or even more. To which I respond with first: twins have always creeped me out. (One of them has to be evil, right?) Second, and this is the nub of my gist, that's just science. And if recent history has taught us anything, it's that the GOP does not have to kow-tow to our lab-coated would-be overlords. No, just as with "evolution." "climate change," and "economics," we Republicans do not have to be bound by the tyranny of facts. I propose a Homuncular Platform be added at the forthcoming Convention. Here you will assert that the Mighty Man-Seed contains all that is needed for life and that the "uterus" is really nothing but an internal incubator, the genetic equivalent of an Easy-Bake Oven.
Indeed, one could go further: human life begins with the idea of sex, or in the Lemon household, the moment my wife (or as I like to call her in our more tender moments, "My Li'l Incubatrix") and I realize that there is no re-run of "Deal or No Deal" that night. They call it conception for a reason.
I have taken the liberty of illustrating my concept of Homuncular Personhood. Please see the drawing below:
Congressman Ryan as Homunculus
I have taken the further liberty of attempting to endow this "little man" with your own dreamy, sad-eyed features, in order to convey the semblance of personhood.
Please do not worry that you have no "scientific authority" to support this theory. Noted luminaries throughout history have susbcribed to the Homuncular Hypothesis, from Paracelsus to Aristotle ( and let's face it, those Ancient Greeks knew their sperm.)
Finally, do not believe the lamestream media's claim that the Society for Homuncular Intra-Uterine Transmission is merely a figment of my fevered imagination. I would never just make S.H.I.T. up.
Sincerely,
Bob Lemon