The Republican National Convention is finally over. The majority Democratic population of the Tampa Bay area can finally exhale a collective sigh of relief. The roads will be open again, the trash will be cleaned up and hopefully we can resume some semblance of normal after hurricane GOP made landfall.
Like our traditional Gasparilla pirate invaders the Republicans have finally sobered up and left town. Kid Rock’s concert tour kickoff wowed the drunken “family value” conservatives and will continue elsewhere making money. Perhaps this was where Rience Preibus knocked back some liquid courage before attending the convention. Where was Ted Nugent? Apparently there wasn’t room for two pompous right-wing hypocritical has-beens from Mitt Romney’s home state at a “family values” convention. Goodbye Kid and we missed you Ted. Our strip clubs will have to settle for business as usual after the influx of conservative dollars dries up.
The theme of the RNC was “We Built That”. The slogan or some derivation was everywhere. On buttons, hats, shirts, banners, pins, balloons, face paint and tattoos. Pity the clean up crews. Wonder how many angry white guys will wake up the next morning like a sailor on a binder sporting a tattoo on his arm of that slogan beneath the name of another delegate’s wife? Ah, family values. Tampa’s mayor declared “We Did It” when asked about security. His benchmark was that there were only two arrests. Amazing!! He also remarked, “We have set the standard for how these events should be run”. Really? While wealthy angry white guys were speechifying about how their freedoms were being usurped by the Communist/Socialist/Nazi Kenyan, they succeeded in suppressing any opportunity for protestors to express their freedom of speech in Tampa. The best example of protecting our constitutional liberty money can buy. They proved once again that “freedomz” and “libertiez” can only be granted by their God and are certainly only for those who can afford it. Only in the fine print is it mentioned that these pirates left the Tampa Bay area holding the bag for a $600k, bill while promising that all costs will be covered. Sound familiar? Where have we heard that as a nation before?
In reality their theme should have been “We Made It Up”. Speech after speech from some angry white guy (an occasional angry naïve woman or Latino) incorporated this new party line chant referencing a non-existent statement by our president. Lying appears to be the newest plank in the party platform. In addition to a record number of outright lies the Romney-Ryan ticket told at the convention, this bunch is on pace to eclipse all previous Republican records. Record deficit, lowest congressional approval, longest unfunded wars, record number of filibusters, record number of people in poverty, on unemployment, applying for food stamps, etc. I think you get the picture. So many lies that I heard that hiring fact checkers was touted as part of the Romney-Ryan jobs package. Rim shot please. Thank you. No, no, thank you. Not my joke. I’m just here pillaging for three days. The GOP comedy tour has left the state and has reconvened in Louisiana for a photo op.
Lying sums up the entirety of the RNC, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan and the GOP. Sleight of hand, smoke and mirrors, nothing up my sleeves. What, you can’t afford sleeves, then go buy a suit you dirty hippy. No vote for you. Looking for a job, hungry, need help with that mortgage, sorry, we’ve got nothing of real value to offer today. Just red, white and blue balloons full of rhetoric. Check back after the election. You say you are homeless, I guess you solved that mortgage issue on your own. We like self reliance, unless it involves a Republican or one of our donors. How about an extra helping of meaningless word salad. Would you like some candy? Trust us, we have experience, we’ve done this before. Did we tell you we hate Obama? Quick look over there we have some trickle down left over from previous GOP administrations. We have perfected the dissembling, obstruction and misdirection process. There are plenty of Republican campaign and lobbying jobs available. Have we told you that Obama is a Muslim? Can we sell you a bridge to nowhere or maybe some shares in a closed steel factory? Aren’t you afraid of those weak, gay, un-American Democrats? Some say they are terrorists. How about some collateralized debt that used to be someone’s pension fund? Please, please don’t ask us any questions that might involve math, science, actual policy or basic reality. Just trust us, again. It’s all about belief. Don’t you believe? We are here to solve your simple problems and answer your easy questions. As long as they don’t require any commitment on our part. Quick look over here!! Have you seen our new campaign video “2016: Obama’s America”? It’s based on exhaustive, nonpartisan reporting from a survivor of the Reagan administration. Did we mention that you should trust us again? We are the “family values” party. Did we mention Reagan, Reagan on Mount Rushmore or a Reagan hologram? Can we see your papers? Your birth certificate or college transcripts will be fine unless you want to vote. Oh, you’re a registered Republican then no worries. See we can speak Australian. We like immigrants as long as they vote Republican. Some of our best friends and family are immigrants. Would we lie to you? We are the party of snake oil salesmen. Snake oil would have made a faster comeback had it not been for those burdensome taxes and pesky government regulations. Did we mention we have minorities? Yes, look over there that looks like a woman, then again it just may be an angry, good looking, blue eyed, white marathon runner. We had an African American as head of the party once, but he was seen too often on those liberal talk shows so now we resorted to cardboard cut-outs. We do have some people with names that sound like people of color so that we may appear to the casual listener that we care. Trust us; we care about you until you are actually born. Here’s where that trust thing comes in again. If you don’t think you can trust us then let us prove it one more time. Really!! We’re not lying this time, really. We’re not making this up. That wouldn’t be the RIGHT thing to do. If you “people” will just vote for and elect Romney-Ryan you too can be filthy rich white dudes like us. We promise. Did we mention Reagan?