Welcome to Awards Edition Plus, your one-stop snark shop. Join us in the snarkosphere: from the News of Dubious Veracity Department to the Golden Douchenozzle Award, we nail the nattering, lance the lying, pulverize the poltroon. While Bill in Portland Maine takes another day off to take his chocolate lab Molly for a pedicure and spa day, AEP will hold the fort.
Awards Edition Plus Editorial with Lenin Cat on Tweety, Andrea Mitchell, and the difference between opinion and fact; the News of Dubious Veracity Department--sporting its spiffy new yellow journalism look-- reports on a new patent infringement by Apple which may impact every living thing; in the You Can't Make This Sh*t Up Department the GOP plans a "counter-convention" in Charlotte, purple band-aid style; and of course, a fresh list of Golden Douchenozzle Award nominees.
So, follow us over the fold for a romp in the cesspool of snark...
Awards Edition Plus Editorial
by Lenin Cat
It is not every day that I find myself cheering on Chris Matthews. He still irritates me more than Tim Russert (largely due to the fact that Russert is dead and Matthews is not) but slightly less than slightly-less-dead-than-Russert John McLaughlin. However, as the election season heats up, Matthews has been speaking an awful lot of truth these days. Speaking with the perpetually nauseating Andrea Mitchell, Tweety excoriated the GOP. You can see the conversation here, and I highly recommend taking a look. Suggesting that these politicians don't even understand the simplest tenets of Politics 101 my favorite snarky quip was his suggestion, with utter disgust, that we've hit a new low when the number one priority of a political convention is to assure the American people that the candidate is, in fact, a member of the human race. The most important exchange, however, came following Matthew's assertion that Republicans in Congress have obstructed the Democrats' legislative agenda at every turn and obstructed the President. Mitchell's reply was that that was an "opinion". Matthews asserted "It's not opinions, it's factual." Good on you, Tweety.
Matthews is right, and for all those who like to say that even with a Democratic majority in Congress "the President couldn't get it done", here is a nifty article from October, 2010 which examines the 375 bills passed by the Democratic House which were blocked by Republicans in the Senate. No,
Dragon Lady Andrea, these are not opinions. These 375 bills and a myriad of blocked bills and nominations since are facts. They were blocked. They were blocked by Republicans. Jobs bills. Recovery bills. Consumer protection bills. Dollar bills that could be in the hands of hard working citizens.
I think it would behoove
the Dragon Lady Ms. Mitchell and other shrill lackeys like her to stop minimizing these kinds of facts, stop providing vent-holes for political effluence, and quit brushing the truth under the rug at every opportunity and start acknowledging what's true--starting with the truth that the GOP has undertaken a campaign of unprecedented recklessness with the sole purpose of destroying this Presidency and is willing to destroy the American people with it if that's what it takes. This is a fact. And if she needs us to draw a picture for her, here it is again, and it's irrefutable (unrefutiatable?):
Thanks, Tweety. Keep it up. You may not be able to get Jon Stewart to like you, but you're growing on me.
News of Dubious Veracity Department
via the Seattle Post-Unintelligencer:
|Apple To Initiate New Lawsuit, Claims Earth Violates Patent On Air
Seattle. Apple filed a motion in Federal District Court yesterday seeking to sue the planet for infringing on its patent for the air we breathe, Apple spokesperson Baldwin MacIntosh told reporters. "We hold a lot of patents" MacIntosh explained. "Apple has patented nearly every aspect of the production process of its products, including elements, molecules and yes, even air and the management systems used in our Chinese sweatshops."
If the court rules in Apple's favor, damages could be assessed against every human being on the planet with surcharges for livestock and pets that also pull Apple's proprietary oxygen and nitrogen mix. Apple is also seeking to attach a surcharge to the sale of plants and tree seeds, claiming that vegetation continues to produce oxygen without license in violation of Apple's patents.
When asked about future possible lawsuits, MacIntosh was guarded in his response: "I can't discuss the inner workings of our legal department but I can say that we do regret not having patented the human genome".
You Can't Make This Sh*t Up Department
Just when you thought it was safe to turn on PBS between the hours of 7pm and 11pm EDT, the GOP is up to no good for a second week. Kossack mdmslle has it here, but here's a taste of the bizarre asshattery in the form of a "conuter-convention" planned for Charlotte this week:
It will be an effort full of gimmicks, including a Romney-Ryan NASCAR race car – number 12 for 2012, of course.I guess Kleenex™ must be the new purple band-aid. What a bunch of asshats. Perhaps some Democratic delegates can convert the NASCAR racer into a flex-fuel vehicle. It would be a truly "across-the-aisle" kind of compromise: it would be capable of running on an alternative fuel but still be able to use gasoline and plus, who doesn't love corn subsidies? See, everyone wins!
And while Democrats have happily made light of Mitt Romney’s “Etch A Sketch” foible, Republicans will bring their own toys, including “You Build It” Legos and “You Build It” Monopoly.
Republicans have tried to woo independent voters who supported President Obama in 2008 but are disappointed in his performance.
To that point, they’ll have plenty of Kleenex – “because breaking up is hard to do” – according to the plan.
Thanks, mdmslle. Love, mmxii.
And now, on to the GDN Award but first, a word from our sponsor:
The Golden Douchenozzle Award
The Golden Douchenozzle Award is given periodically to politicians and public figures for rank hypocrisy and general asshattery. Today's nominees are:
Andrea Mitchell or should I say, the perpetually vomitous Andrea Mitchell. One person's opinion is another person's fact, apparently. Also, one person's "journalist" is another person's corporate media shill. You do the stenography--we decide.
The GOP Counter-Convention: as if all those tricorn hats with dangling tea bags weren't embarrassing enough. I hope the world is watching a soccer match instead this week.
Paul Ryan has a nose like Pinocchio and a brain like Nixon, he just can't stop lying even for a minute. He's continuing to spew his lies about the Obama administration on the trail and
National Public Radio keeps reporting it in their patented "he said/she said" style with nary a bit of suggestion that what he's saying is patently untrue.
Michael Steele Remember him, that guy before Rinsed Prius or Rank P*nis whatever his name is? Well, they've trotted him out to hammer home the "they can't answer the question 'Are you better off than you were four years ago'" meme. I heard him say it on MSNBC just this morning to crickets from guess who?
So, friends, who wins the award today? Tell us in the poll, and in the comments, tell us what you're cheering and jeering about today. Bill in Portland Maine and Cheers and Jeers will be back tomorrow. I hope he shares a picture of Molly's new nail job with us. Happy Tuesday!