During this confabulous campaign, Newt Gingrich once suggested that if you quote anything he said last weekend, you will be a liar. Taking a page from Newt's playbook, the RNC hurriedly called a press conference Thursday morning. Apparently, the stark differences between the RNC and the DNC conventions really hurt.
Here are the key quotes. Once a full transcript is available, we shall post it.
Ladies and Gentlemen:
"It was nice to see Mr. Clinton on stage again. He is a painful reminder of what a real American born president can achieve. If only the current democrat were half as good as he was. That is why this election is so important. Socialist, anti-business, regulation heavy policies simply don't work.
"Today we announce that because of some unusual . . . events, like a unexpected hurricane, we will be repeating the RNC Convention in its entirety. Unlike the DNC, which fears even one drop of rain, we will hold ours outside the entire time.
"Instead of risking yet another Florida Hurricane, we will start from scratch and schedule Convention 2.0 for September 24, 2012 through September 27th. Due to the short time frame, the only location we could secure is Santa Cruz, California, just blocks away from the San Andreas Fault.
"We will also make some minor changes to the schedule. Donald Trump and his walking talking Reagan hologram will provide the entertainment on Monday night, along with Michelle Bachmann, Governor Brewer from Arizona, and Scott Walker from Wisconsin. Sarah Palin will really excite the crowd with her lock and load demonstration on gun safety.
"Tuesday's festivities will include the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (it is a lot closer to Santa Cruz than Tampa), David Vitter and Rob Portman will host a Family Values conference, Ted Haggard will provide the invocation and Paul Ryan will give a revised version of his acceptance speech. The Keynote Address will be provided by Meryl Streep, standing in for Ann Romney, who is resting from her exhausting tour of Tampa's historical buildings. Although Mrs. Romney contributed greatly to the content, using Meryl Streep as a stand in should provide a better comparison to the mean-spirited, nasty lies spewed by Michele Obama. In fact, we call on the Obama campaign to repudiate the hatred, bile, and anger that so consumed Mrs. Obama throughout her presentation.
"Wednesday, in response to some idiot bus-touring nonsense, we proudly present William Donohue, the head of that honorable, progressive, and people oriented organization, the Catholic League. Mr. Donohue will also talk about Family Values, the unwarranted attacks on christianity by the Obama campaign, and the need to return to what real family life is all about. Newt Gingrich will follow Mr. Donohue to discuss economic issues, and how a strong family life equals a stronger economy.
"We proudly invited Archbiship John Charles McQuaid, of Ireland, to provide his blessing and to lead all attendees in a prayer of thanks. Unfortunately, Dr. McQuaid was not available, so Cardinal Connell, also of Ireland, will be present in his stead.
"Thursday, in a feat of technological brilliance, we will have Ronald Reagan appear, and introduce Mitt Romney to the crowd. Not only will this prove that our video is far more powerful than some lame debate scene from decades past, but that we do not hate technology, but embrace it.
"Candidate Romney's speech will also contain revisions and changes, although not as deep or substantial as Vice Presidential Nominee Ryan's changes. Mr. Romney will again describe the biggest threats to America: the growing missile gap with the USSR, the growing space race gulf between America and Red China, the need to take down the Berlin Wall, the need to stop Iran from building a nucular weapon, the need to deregulate Wall Street, freeing our job creators from pesky, costly, and unnecessary rules which interfere with the free market. Lastly, Mr. Romney will talk Family Values. Abortion, birth control, women's access the health care. On all of these issues, Mr. Romney has been the only leader standing up for the rights of women. All these side issues are unimportant, not when a marriage between one man and one girl will safeguard women from the need of intrusive, ungodly acts like birth control (which leads to breast cancer), or the killing act of abortion (which leads to mental illness in women) or women's health care. In a properly structured family, women's needs will all be met. By their husband.
"We look forward to seeing you all at Convention 2.0. Having this second chance is precisely why Mr. Romney will excel as president. If you can't get it right the first time, try it again! And besides, we can point out all the lies and hatred that has been spewed forth by the Democrat Party all week.
"God Bless America!"