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You ever feel that way? When you just get to the point where you know that one of the following things have happened:

1. you can say or do nothing right.
2. The damage [whatever it is] is done, and you cannot let go of it yet.
3. Things are not going to change any time soon.
4. You are just sick of every thing, and are no longer interested in exerting the energy it takes to be mad, or passionate about it, or the world in general?

As a sensitive person things get to me. As a non-sensitive person, I also step on toes which causes people to get angry, which in turn gets to me. I could be the star of my own sitcom--I am sensitive except when I am not.

I think that part of it that has just pushed me past the threshold is the campaign season that has been going on for 4 long years. Starting with the first ugly racist e-mail images aimed at then Presidential Candidate Obama, and going through the whole days of "You Lie!" and the "Fail Doctrine" right up til now.

I don't know about you, but it's just been never ending. And I am tired of it. Because I know that if the other side is busy lobbing insults and doing their time to dig up dirt, then they aren't doing their jobs.

For me, it's been like watching a drunk at a party. All we can do at this point is keep the keys away from them, and hope any fights they start, will be with someone much bigger than themselves.

2 years of drought have seriously gotten me down. The last week, we had a mini-heatwave of 104-105 degree highs in SEPTEMBER! Which in turn killed more plants that I just put in the ground, wasting my precious time and money. Last night we finally got some rain and cold front. So it's not blistering hot and dry outside. Yesterday's high of 105, was a record breaker, AGAIN! It was so hot, we didn't really go anywhere outside all week.

It wasn't a total loss, we got some housework done, but housework is in it's nature, depressing.

If I knew our public libraries wouldn't be consumed or censored in the future by deranged teabaggers, I would sell most of my possessions and live in a yurt. Sometimes I wish we could sell most of our stuff and live in a bus and travel. Not as snowbirds, but as a family with children. I traveled a lot as a child, and I moved frequently in the military, and I really miss being semi-nomadic. With gas prices at 3.75 a gallon though, I will be lucky to afford to go to the grocery store. I know that will only get worse. I am hoping that it will force us use more alternatives, but at the same time this will be a financial hardship for my family. It has already become one. But it's a sacrifice we are willing to make in order hold out for the greater good.

I took a bag of tin cans in to be recycled. we got a whole 1.10 cents for the deposit. Probably a 10th of what it cost for us to drive to that place.

No one wanted our steel cans.

Remember when glass bottles had a deposit and you could get 10 bucks for a red wagon load?

I met someone who seemed nice enough, who informed me that he didn't care what religion a person was, as long as they believed that Jesus Christ is Lord, then it was all good.

Sometimes when I encounter people like that [daily] I think that the insulation on the wiring in their brain must be too thick. I do an interpretive dance of joy, whenever I meet someone in these parts, who knows the difference between ecumenical and interfaith.
And for the record, I have forgotten how to dance. I suspect that there will come a time, when I can also claim extreme age.

I have written several diaries, but not published them, because they are all really, pissed off rants. I am angry, and when I run out of energy to be angry, I am just despondent. Oh I am mostly still functional.

The kids get fed, the clothes get washed, the floor, occasionally vacuumed. But right now I feel no joy. I have wanted to pick up my paints, but I feel no joy at that. No joy at the garden, no joy in reading. Right now it's just get up and get the work done and try not to focus too much on the stuff that sucks.

I really want to finish my degree, but it's been so long. I am sure that the universities, having become mafioso-type institutions that like to get as much money as they can, will not allow many of my credits. Not that it matters. The cost is too high. When I look at online institutions, that depresses me even more. When I see what they do to what we used to call higher education, the urge to stab myself in the eye with a pencil is almost more than I can bear.

Instead of looking forward to the future, I dread it. What new fucked up law will the republitwits try to pass against women this month? What new aspect of their FAIL Doctrine will they try to implement now? What good work will they attempt to obstruct now?

What new bizarre weather pattern will I see today? What animal will be missing today? What new, dumbass comment will I see from the republitwits about how this is all a hoax, --will I see today?

What fresh, stupid hell will I encounter today or tomorrow, or the next day?

It's enough to make me not want to leave my house.

I think sometimes people think, that using words like deranged, and twit or stupid to describe the other political party brings me pleasure. It doesn't. It scares the shit right out of me. I don't want them to be mean and stupid. I want them to be worthy adversaries, but they are not. They are only a monkey wrench thrown into the workings of this great nation. So there is no balance, there is no give or take. There are no checks and "balances". No meaningful compromise.

There is no meaningful compromise because they don't want it. The powers that be, behind the twits and the idiots have made it very clear they want the rest of us to disappear. They want change this entire nation in such ways, that it truly will cease being America. Welcome to Gilead. The Theocracy of the Future. Only it's not really a theocracy, it's actually a plutocracy. The religious junk is just to keep the idiots from asking too many questions.

There is only feast or famine. There are only poison pills and filibusters. There is only the petty fiddling while Rome is burning. They play their stupid little games, while the rest of us on the ground pay, and pay and pay and pay.

And there is nowhere to escape to. Even though we make good money, it's not enough. There have been no vacations. No road trips, because we lacked the funds to go beyond the areas that were under red flag warnings.

No camping, no campfires. No marshmallows. No swimming in Blue Green algae, or amoebic infested waters. You cannot really even walk in that stuff, wade in it, or catch fish in that.

No breaks.

I keep waiting for a sign to appear:

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves.

That's about the size of it.

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Comment Preferences

  •  I'm not so good at this................. (17+ / 0-)

    So I'll just give you a  


    "A squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is fast and me?" - Don Van Vliet

    by AlyoshaKaramazov on Sat Sep 08, 2012 at 09:10:23 AM PDT

  •  It is just amazing (10+ / 0-)

    how heat saps all your energy away.

    The banks have a stranglehold on the political process. Mike Whitney

    by dfarrah on Sat Sep 08, 2012 at 09:24:21 AM PDT

  •  Do you like sailing ? (4+ / 0-)
    Sometimes I wish we could sell most of our stuff and live in a bus and travel. Not as snowbirds, but as a family with children. I traveled a lot as a child, and I moved frequently in the military, and I really miss being semi-nomadic.

    "Drop the name-calling." Meteor Blades 2/4/11

    by indycam on Sat Sep 08, 2012 at 09:35:42 AM PDT

  •  This too shall pass, keep the faith :-) (4+ / 0-)

    -1.63/ -1.49 "Speaking truth to power" (with snark of course)!

    by dopper0189 on Sat Sep 08, 2012 at 10:21:16 AM PDT

  •  hey, we love you GM (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    blueoasis, GreenMother, DawnN

    sorry it's lousy.

    it's frustrating.

    we all need backup.

    it's been hot here too, though not like what you face.

    An ambulance can only go so fast - Neil Young

    by mightymouse on Sat Sep 08, 2012 at 10:51:43 AM PDT

  •  PS - thanks for all you do. (4+ / 0-)

    An ambulance can only go so fast - Neil Young

    by mightymouse on Sat Sep 08, 2012 at 10:54:05 AM PDT

  •  i'm so there with you (6+ / 0-)

    and the " he didn't care what religion a person was, as long as they believed that Jesus Christ is Lord"

    lol as a person raised Jewish, who now leans pagan in an eclectic manner, well I rarely waste the breath to try and explain why i'm offended anymore.

    Fine think what you want, but don't waste my time C'est vous plais

    fact does not require fiction for balance (proudly a DFH)

    by mollyd on Sat Sep 08, 2012 at 11:43:22 AM PDT

  •  Hang in there Greenmother. (6+ / 0-)

    BTW, as someone who has suffered several bouts with crippling depression over my lifetime, I'm wondering if you might be suffering from a little more than heat exhaustion and stupid neighbors.  

    I've had periods so bleak, all hope disappeared and each day was a struggle to even get out of bed.  Struggles I did not always win.  After one period after a bitter divorce, 10 year probate battle over custody of my son, and some unfortunate health incidents I lost my business, my house and all my assets.

    But, before they could get my out of my 2 acre estate in one of Boston's wealthiest suburbs, I barely got out of bed, for six months, except to go down to a food shelter, and take walks in the 80 acre forest adjacent to my property.

    An SSRI antidepressant helped out a lot.  Please see you local community health clinic, or ask at the food shelters, as they will having occasional roving health clinics that will know where you can get free help, if this is part of what is bringing you down.

    Sorry, if this seems insensitive, please know I'm not suggesting that any of your issues, and feelings are not valid.  There are so many oppressive issues, situations, and people out there I'm sort of surprised we have so many cheerful people out there.  

    Humorously, some studies have shown many "depressed people" have a better grasp of reality, (are more objective), and are more sensitive, on average, than "non-depressed" people.

    But, one issue, is that if for some reason your brain is not producing sufficient serotonin, and other neuro-chemicals, the glial cells of your brain has a tougher time taking care of the "little grey" cells, and can lead to such feelings of hopelessness, loss of energy, and dysfunction that a persons  ability to cope with even the most basic challenges can be come overwhelmed leading to a viscous cycle into disfunction.

    I am one that can make this joke, "I hate it when this happens," with credibility, because I've been through it many times.  

    If you are concerned about the many issues people have brought up, about SSRIs, you might check out the latest book by the fellow who wrote Listening to Prozac.  He was a critic at first, and at initial raise the issues, like "what if we had given Beethoven, Nietzche, Kark Marx, Van Gogh, etc Prozac" would we have had any progress?

    But, after substantial greater research, he came around to believing medicinal treatment can sometimes be essential, and prevent damage to the brain.

    And, speaking of Van Gogh, there are a lot of other factors than can induce neuro-chemically based depression symptoms such as heavy metal poisoning, tumors, endocrine imbalance etc.

    In my own case, I just got out of the hospital  day before yesterday for diverticulitis, (which fore some reason I often get during bouts of severe depression) but the Cat Scans detected nodules in my lungs so they are going to do a Pet Scan of my whole body. They had already discovered nodules on my adrenal glands, and kidneys decades ago, and when I was in my mid 30s they thought I had pheochromocytoma which would explain the off the top of the charts adrenalin byproducts in my 24 hour VMA.

    My first psychiatrist suggested that whenever they do my final autopsy they will probably find some dysfunction in my endocrine system.  But, in the meantime, he said we had to get me off the battlefield to recover, so filled out some categories to put me on disability, and gave me SSRIs, Wellbutrin and all sorts of stuff I was skeptical about.

    About two weeks later I was  just driving across the overpass of Route 128 outside Boston, on one of my expeditions into Waltham to the food kitchen, when it was like a tremendous dark cloud lifted and I felt like my brain had turned back on.

    I suddenly realized that because I was now divorced, and one my one I could go anywhere I wanted to, I was no longer chained to the systems that was bringing me down.  

    It was as if the whole horizon lit up, and angles sang.  Even though I was pretty hungry, just to test out this new idea and feeling of freedom I quickly turned onto North 128, and it was amazing.  I started to laugh, realizing what a tremendous relief this divorce actual was.

    I was free.  Free at last, free at last, thank the Lord, I was free at last.  I would never have to come home to my ex-wife again, explain where I've been, ask permission, or make proposals of where to go.  I couldn't believe I'd wasted six month laying in bed crying about it.

    I started to imagine all the things I could do, laughing the whole time.  Why I could just start driving West, back to my home state in California, North to Canada.  

    I decided to go to the Burlington Mall instead, and just walk around and look at other people, who seemed so purposeful.

    But, my ability to make and carry out plans improved etc.

    If you have issues, about doctors, and having to interact with the system, (like I do also,)  some people, and study claim Saint John's Wort can "naturally" increase serotonin levels, and you can buy it over the counter.

    But, I recommend you get checked out by docs first because, of possible side-effects,  to rule out organic, toxic, or other cause, and also, some of these so called "natural" supplements turn out to have impurities, that get concentrated along with the pollen, to get to the dosages one needs to be effective.  I've probably done them all, (so others don't have to) and many do work, but you are safer with pharmaceutical grade chemicals, where you get six standard deviations of quality control and purity.

    Whatever... I hope you don't take this the wrong way.  I'm just trying to make sure you don't overlook certain options that I found to he helpful, in the event that they may, (or may not) be appropriate in your case.

    Another advantage of getting and keeping your brain in top notch shape is that you can think of things to say to all the bastards and insensitive people fast enough to "help them improve" as well.

    Plus, as an extra bonus, if you act now, once you find a good psychiatrist you can get all sort of other good things, that other citizens could get sent to jail for a decade just possessing.

    Most of the drug abusers I know seem to me to be attempting to self-medicate and escape mental torture, and other mental health issues, , and problems that if we lived in a civilized society with universal health care, they could get better treated for with our health systems.

    In this primitive and cruel society we put these folks in jail, or leave them to sleep under bridges and die slow and painful deaths of health problems, and malnutrition we could easily solve nationally for about the same price of a Naval aircraft carrier group, or couple of Stealth Bombers.

    If we do not destroy our ecosystems and obliterate ourselves  into extinction in any one of a half a dozen plausibly and increasingly like ways, through stupidity, future generation may look back to how we treat our mentally ill, and "drug abusers" with the same horror that we do when we remember the "dark ages" when we burned them as witches.

    Sometimes, I hope the Republicans and this primitive right-wingers turn out to be correct in their intolerant, and extreme theologies, because then we might all get what we deserve -- a good roasting in hell, or purgatory, for a long time.  And, I'm certain the Republicans will be in a lower ring of Dante's inferno that the rest of us, which is going to be great, because then in addition to their primary suffering we can pee on their heads, and laugh and make fun of them.

    Bwa, ha, ha!

    Just joking here on that last part, as I strive to come from the place of love and compassion that Gandhi, described, and was apparently poorly translated as "non-violence" but, according to his autobiography was really the forth Chakra of Hinduism.  

    Otherwise, you would have already heard the heavy metal song I wrote for my ex-wife, after my antidepressants kicked in and I got back from the Burlington Mall, (mentioned several pages above, lol sorry).  It was title  "(I hope you) Burn in Hell Forever!" and sound a little like Metallica's Searching, Seek and Destroy.  

    But, out of compassion for my son, I never published it.  

    But, I very well might, now that he is 22, if she doesn't shape up soon. (just kidding.  Now that she's an ardent Democrat I've had to forgive her based on our principle here of electing more and better Democrats.)

    Good luck follow traveler, and keep on truckin'

    The means is the ends in the process of becoming. - Mahatma Gandhi

    by HoundDog on Sat Sep 08, 2012 at 12:16:37 PM PDT

    •  Oh, I meant to close on the advice my dad gave (4+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      GreenMother, mollyd, mightymouse, grover

      me when I went off to college, "don't let the bastards get you down!"  

      The means is the ends in the process of becoming. - Mahatma Gandhi

      by HoundDog on Sat Sep 08, 2012 at 12:17:36 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  You are very thoughtful houndog. (3+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        HoundDog, mollyd, grover

        Thank you.

        •  Well, I hope I cheered you up some, at least. (2+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          mollyd, grover

          You gotta admit that part about us getting to pee on the Republicans heads and laugh at them forever for being in a lower ring of Dante's Inferno, if we turn out to have a just God, of the sort they seem to like to imagine, is pretty funny.

          Just saying.... I'm still laughing.


          The means is the ends in the process of becoming. - Mahatma Gandhi

          by HoundDog on Sat Sep 08, 2012 at 12:41:04 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  I will figure some things out sooner or later (2+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            HoundDog, mightymouse

            And bring things around.

            I do feel awfully sad. I don't feel it's due to a chemical imbalance. Just my country having a supernaturally, bad-hair century.

            I am a big fan of dignity. And  don't see that in our politics at all right now. It looks awful. I see some fits and sparks here and there, like the post before about the DNC speakers. They had some really great speakers. But I want more than words.

            It's so hard to make things happen when the other half of an institution is doing all that it can to obstruct and destroy from within.

            I don't know which is worse. Having hope, and missing the goal due to sabotage, or having no hope at all, because realistically we know something isn't going to happen no matter how much we want it or need it.

            •  I hear ya, and know the feeling. (2+ / 0-)
              Recommended by:
              mightymouse, DawnN

              And, yes, we may be having an unusually, bad century.

              I do feel awfully sad. I don't feel it's due to a chemical imbalance. Just my country having a supernaturally, bad-hair century.
              Love your quote, here.  Humor has helped me a lot.  Especially bitter, dark, and biting sarcasm, cheers me up a lot. So, let it all hang out.  That's one of the main reasons I sought refuge in the anonymous UIDs here.  In real life, with a son, extended family, and sensitive social positions, and job responsibilities, I've had to be so damn positive and supportive about everything, and it turns out there are infinite things to be sensitive about, if you start really tracking down consequences.

              Hey, your "bad hair century" joke reminds me of a routine by that comic Gallager, (or the guy who likes to smash watermelons with big mallets, I can't remember how to spell his name right.)

              He was saying how he sometimes envies women, for being able to use the "bad hair day" excuse.  He imagined someone who had gone postal coming before the judge, saying "Auhhh, my hair was just all wrong, and the whole day went bad." Or, something like that.

              I don't know which is worse. Having hope, and missing the goal due to sabotage, or having no hope at all, because realistically we know something isn't going to happen no matter how much we want it or need it.
              You remind me of another finding in that study I mentioned was that, on average, depressed people tend to have more realistic perceptions of reality.

              Ideally, though, wouldn't it be great it we could combine these elements in different ways, like having hope, but also enough realism, that we don't self-sabotage, or fail from lack of realistic perception, or planning.

              Although, the major concepts of Buddhism can seem bleak, at first, I've found some solace in the realism and honest to start with the observation that our worlds are filled with suffering.  Everyone, and everything in the external world will eventually die, and to the extent we are emotionally "attached" to it we are going to have even additional suffering.

              This challenging concept doesn't mean we shouldn't love our  loved ones, but rather recognize the transient, and temporary nature of everything "sentient" in the external world.

              All desire leads to attachment, all attachment leads to suffering.  Therefore, the only way to transcend suffering is to transcend desire and attachment.  Which I interpret to mean to find some transcendent place within ourselves so we have our perceptions, hopes, dreams, loves, losses, feelings, etc, but recognize that these are fleeting, and try to connect with an invisible essence that transcends all these things, and do the best we can to get by day, by day, minute by minute, and even second, by second.

              But, most of all do everything within our limited powers to alleviated and avoid suffering, for ourselves, and others.

              Acts of kindness, compassion, and mindfulness, are the best we can do.  And, then this vast out of control external system is going to lurch in all sort of crazy directions beyond out control.

              It's been helpful to me to imagine we all have some transcendent spiritual essence where we are all part of some greater spiritual whole that will continue, forever past the ultimate heat death of the universe hundreds of billions of years from now.

              In a way that transcends time.  

              But, whatever, at least in the moment now, it seems like we might as well make the best of it.  And, to the extent within our limited capabilities choose acts and thoughts that lead to more of the good things, and less of the bad things.  

              Among the good things are reducing suffering for all sentient being.  Acts of kindness to ourselves, loved ones, strangers, animals, and even insects, -- all living beings, may add up to less suffering and more goodness in other dimensions that transcend space and time, as we know it with our finite limit ability to perceive just a fraction of what is going in the world.

              Finding solace and comfort in playing and listening to music, reading, writing, learning things, helping others, helping my son launch his life, learning how others experience themselves and reality, like our discussion here, are the kinds of things that help me get through each day.

              Oh, and making fun of some of the exceptionally stupid things Republicans do, to help them learn, and try to do better.  I figure if God didn't want us to make fun of them, he wouldn't have made them so stupid.  But, we should do this in the nicest possible of ways, with compassion, leaving open a pathway where they can get better.  

              And, yes, humor, and biting sarcasm. These are among the good the good things, that help me get through the day.  

              Hey, thanks GreenMother.  You've help me in my spiritual growth.  I had already distilled my values down to compassion, mindfulness, more of the good things, and less of the bad things, and reducing suffering in myself and others.   Now I can add humor, tormenting Republicans, and biting sarcasm, to my notebook of spiritual insights and goals.

              See, it is possible to have hope and realism combined together in whole new ways, that make the world a better place.

              PS  I'm watching a rerun of this weeks episode of Lost Girl, a sort of silly Fantasy show on the Sci Fi channel, I somehow got hooked on.   Hey, here is another good thing for my notebook -- escapist sci-fi and fantasy stories.

              Uh, oh, this isn't good.  I'm finding too many good things, here amidst the gloom, and talking too much.  I'd better check my meds, as these are warning signs -- I may be having a manic episode.  (I'm just joking.  I actually stopped taking my antidepressant last year, as I figured I was getting to comfortable with mediocrity, and not making enough effort to change things for the better.  I was only reccing them above, for a crisis.) If you spend to much time with psychiatrist everything you do or think becomes a possible symptom of something.


              The means is the ends in the process of becoming. - Mahatma Gandhi

              by HoundDog on Sat Sep 08, 2012 at 01:45:03 PM PDT

              [ Parent ]

  •  Your writing is so important re the climate (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    GreenMother, mightymouse, DawnN

    and I scan for your posts. What you write matters. You have the ability as a writer to make people see the world through your eyes for a few minutes; eyes that care about nature in a rare way. You teach.

  •  i've been stuck there for a bit...... (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    GreenMother, mightymouse

    a short hospital stay (read: never ever admit you might have a plan), some SSRI's and a wait for a referral for counselling are what I got - I know I just want my own abyss to either cease or win, I just don't want it to linger.  

    my best to you.....

    Damn it, I would've been the Simon Cowell of death panelists!

    by OneCharmingBastard on Sat Sep 08, 2012 at 01:24:13 PM PDT

  •  It's incredibly hard for me, a devoted tree (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    Hugger right now. I can only imagine what a Green Mother must be experiencing. We have gone backward so quickly on so many issues that matter do much, rolling back regulations at the very time that the earth is warning us that our unbalanced way of life will be the very death of our species.

    The year old oak tree in my back yard thats well over 100 years old requires daily watering in our weather that now stays above 100 degrees pretty much daily.  How is this possible? How do I justify wasting pure fresh water like that ? How do I justify letting this great old tree that cleans the air and  provides food and shelter for wildlife die?  This tree belongs not to me, but to the ages.

    It seems that  I face decisions like this constantly.

    We have to keep moving and trying and going. If not us, then who will?

    © grover

    So if you get hit by a bus tonight, would you be satisfied with how you spent today, your last day on earth? Live like tomorrow is never guaranteed, because it's not. -- Me.

    by grover on Sat Sep 08, 2012 at 02:24:20 PM PDT

    •  I understand grover. I really do. (0+ / 0-)

      Do we run from fire to fire to fire [proverbially speaking]? Or do we simply sit back and let artificially enhanced, "nature" take it's course.

      I bet there are a lot of people feeling like that right now.

  •  I'm with you, GM, and glad you had the energy (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    scarvegas, GreenMother

    that I don't to at least post your feelings. Hope it helped you some - it did me. ((((GM))))

    Sadly, I don't feel that a party that, for instance, welcomes the money of Duke Energy's Jim Rogers, is really a better option than the party of upfront declared haters of everything except money and the apocalypse.

    We travel together, passengers on a little spaceship, dependent on it's vulnerable reserves of air and soil. Preserved from annihilation only by the care, the work and the love we give our fragile craft. Adlai E. Stevenson

    by DawnN on Sat Sep 08, 2012 at 03:01:14 PM PDT

    •  Well here is where I put my tin foil hat on (0+ / 0-)

      If we are kept at each others throats constantly, and if we are faced with constant, outrageous assaults on our rights and resources--then when will anyone have the time to make sure that the government [regardless of party] is doing all that it should, the way that it should?

      The kind of people who practice Vulture Capitalism know that if you are too busy trying to keep your job, hopping from one burning foot to the other, that they can accomplish a lot of bad shit while we are tending to necessity.

  •  Faith, Mother (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    Times are hard, but a new day is coming. I feel right now the feeling I had right before I met my wife. It is an overwhelming sense that something wonderful is just around the bend. Smile, Mother. Joy is coming.

    "Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed." Eisenhower.

    by Mxwll on Wed Sep 12, 2012 at 05:46:51 PM PDT

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