You ever feel that way? When you just get to the point where you know that one of the following things have happened:
1. you can say or do nothing right.
2. The damage [whatever it is] is done, and you cannot let go of it yet.
3. Things are not going to change any time soon.
4. You are just sick of every thing, and are no longer interested in exerting the energy it takes to be mad, or passionate about it, or the world in general?
As a sensitive person things get to me. As a non-sensitive person, I also step on toes which causes people to get angry, which in turn gets to me. I could be the star of my own sitcom--I am sensitive except when I am not.
I think that part of it that has just pushed me past the threshold is the campaign season that has been going on for 4 long years. Starting with the first ugly racist e-mail images aimed at then Presidential Candidate Obama, and going through the whole days of "You Lie!" and the "Fail Doctrine" right up til now.
I don't know about you, but it's just been never ending. And I am tired of it. Because I know that if the other side is busy lobbing insults and doing their time to dig up dirt, then they aren't doing their jobs.
For me, it's been like watching a drunk at a party. All we can do at this point is keep the keys away from them, and hope any fights they start, will be with someone much bigger than themselves.
2 years of drought have seriously gotten me down. The last week, we had a mini-heatwave of 104-105 degree highs in SEPTEMBER! Which in turn killed more plants that I just put in the ground, wasting my precious time and money. Last night we finally got some rain and cold front. So it's not blistering hot and dry outside. Yesterday's high of 105, was a record breaker, AGAIN! It was so hot, we didn't really go anywhere outside all week.
It wasn't a total loss, we got some housework done, but housework is in it's nature, depressing.
If I knew our public libraries wouldn't be consumed or censored in the future by deranged teabaggers, I would sell most of my possessions and live in a yurt. Sometimes I wish we could sell most of our stuff and live in a bus and travel. Not as snowbirds, but as a family with children. I traveled a lot as a child, and I moved frequently in the military, and I really miss being semi-nomadic. With gas prices at 3.75 a gallon though, I will be lucky to afford to go to the grocery store. I know that will only get worse. I am hoping that it will force us use more alternatives, but at the same time this will be a financial hardship for my family. It has already become one. But it's a sacrifice we are willing to make in order hold out for the greater good.
I took a bag of tin cans in to be recycled. we got a whole 1.10 cents for the deposit. Probably a 10th of what it cost for us to drive to that place.
No one wanted our steel cans.
Remember when glass bottles had a deposit and you could get 10 bucks for a red wagon load?
I met someone who seemed nice enough, who informed me that he didn't care what religion a person was, as long as they believed that Jesus Christ is Lord, then it was all good.
Sometimes when I encounter people like that [daily] I think that the insulation on the wiring in their brain must be too thick. I do an interpretive dance of joy, whenever I meet someone in these parts, who knows the difference between ecumenical and interfaith.
And for the record, I have forgotten how to dance. I suspect that there will come a time, when I can also claim extreme age.
I have written several diaries, but not published them, because they are all really, pissed off rants. I am angry, and when I run out of energy to be angry, I am just despondent. Oh I am mostly still functional.
The kids get fed, the clothes get washed, the floor, occasionally vacuumed. But right now I feel no joy. I have wanted to pick up my paints, but I feel no joy at that. No joy at the garden, no joy in reading. Right now it's just get up and get the work done and try not to focus too much on the stuff that sucks.
I really want to finish my degree, but it's been so long. I am sure that the universities, having become mafioso-type institutions that like to get as much money as they can, will not allow many of my credits. Not that it matters. The cost is too high. When I look at online institutions, that depresses me even more. When I see what they do to what we used to call higher education, the urge to stab myself in the eye with a pencil is almost more than I can bear.
Instead of looking forward to the future, I dread it. What new fucked up law will the republitwits try to pass against women this month? What new aspect of their FAIL Doctrine will they try to implement now? What good work will they attempt to obstruct now?
What new bizarre weather pattern will I see today? What animal will be missing today? What new, dumbass comment will I see from the republitwits about how this is all a hoax, --will I see today?
What fresh, stupid hell will I encounter today or tomorrow, or the next day?
It's enough to make me not want to leave my house.
I think sometimes people think, that using words like deranged, and twit or stupid to describe the other political party brings me pleasure. It doesn't. It scares the shit right out of me. I don't want them to be mean and stupid. I want them to be worthy adversaries, but they are not. They are only a monkey wrench thrown into the workings of this great nation. So there is no balance, there is no give or take. There are no checks and "balances". No meaningful compromise.
There is no meaningful compromise because they don't want it. The powers that be, behind the twits and the idiots have made it very clear they want the rest of us to disappear. They want change this entire nation in such ways, that it truly will cease being America. Welcome to Gilead. The Theocracy of the Future. Only it's not really a theocracy, it's actually a plutocracy. The religious junk is just to keep the idiots from asking too many questions.
There is only feast or famine. There are only poison pills and filibusters. There is only the petty fiddling while Rome is burning. They play their stupid little games, while the rest of us on the ground pay, and pay and pay and pay.
And there is nowhere to escape to. Even though we make good money, it's not enough. There have been no vacations. No road trips, because we lacked the funds to go beyond the areas that were under red flag warnings.
No camping, no campfires. No marshmallows. No swimming in Blue Green algae, or amoebic infested waters. You cannot really even walk in that stuff, wade in it, or catch fish in that.
I keep waiting for a sign to appear:
The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves.
That's about the size of it.