By defying the expectations of conventional post-convention wisdom, President Obama and the Democrats have come under increased scrutiny, and may be facing charges from their political adversaries that their convention benefited from the widespread use of performance enhancing substance. As the dust settles and it becomes clear their convention bounce will exceed previously contemplated estimates, questions have been raised that suggest they may have performed at levels beyond that which experts consider likely without the aid of substance. These allegations are currently being investigated by the National Coagulation of Quite Serious Contemplators (NCQSC).
Injection of performance enhancing cortical stimulants such as Mathenol®, Scienaid®, Empiricol®, Includerol®, and Tolerancien® have been known to cause behavioral changes in humans that can include excessive inquisitiveness and mental acuity, increased communal synergy, excited vocal outbursts, and heightened levels of accomplishment-oriented agitation. It is not known whether these symptoms are reversible, but it is believed they can have serious and long-lasting consequences.
If the allegations are determined to have merit, sanctions imposed by the NCQSC could include one or more seasons of involuntary random patriotism testing and, more than likely, the vigorous administration of potent substance inhibitors such as Equidroll®, Vanipreen®, Logorol®, Banalysisten®, and CNN. A spokesperson for the NCQSC would not comment except to say that they take allegations of substance use very seriously and they have always made it clear they maintain a zero-tolerance policy.