There's two people in heaven: Jesus and Mr. Rogers. So unless you speak Aramaic or like stories about magic trollies for eternity, don't go.
No matter how great the iPhone5 seems, know that in the deepest, darkest night it will never cuddle you back. Nor will anyone else, really.
"Sorry I looked at your girlfriend, dude. I’m such a fucking asshole for thinking she’s attractive. You definitely have a right to be angry."
"Bro, look at me. I’m gonna say this once and only once. Where the fuck is my Tickle Me Elmo?"
History is written by bored teens screwing around with Wikipedia.
That Operation game is a lot easier if you pretend you're doing an autopsy.
I saw a cashier at Walmart try to leave her register before it was her break and she burst into flames, and no one seemed to notice or care.
All I’m saying is that the economy was doing just fine back when Jamie Lee Curtis couldn’t poop.
The fact that Obama could order a drone strike on Mitt Romney at any time but doesn't really shows that he's a class act.