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Like many writers, readers, thinkers and lurkers here at the Great Orange Unprintable Phrase, I have been thinking a great deal about Mitt Romney's recent video debacle.

Oh, no, not that video.  I meant this video, wherein crack journalists Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan ask Mr. Romney the most penetrating question of this election season.  Quoting Strahan, who closes in like he's sacking the quarterback, "Now, the most serious question of all: Honey Boo Boo, or Snooki?"

For those who cannot stand to listen, I will share the oddly creepy verdict:

“I’m kind of a Snooki fan.  Look how tiny she’s gotten! She’s lost weight. She’s energetic.  Just her spark plug personality is kind of fun!”
Now, being fair, the question was fairly ambiguous, and it appears as though Romney's interpretation was something like, "who would you rather take on an uproarious date?"  If so, choosing Honey Boo Boo would appear even creepier than the answer he gave. However, a closer look at the facts suggests that Snooki's "spark plug personality" may have been another clever Republican ruse.  Judging the evidence with a fair and balanced eye, it becomes immediately apparent that Snooki is a shining example of the 1%, while Honey Boo Boo is a mud-splattered miscreant of the lower 47...

Let's take a look at the Snooki versus Honey Boo Boo scorecard, if you join me below the fake-tan-orange "The Situation" abs logo:

Now, in the interest of maintaining judicial balance, it is important to note that President Obama was also once asked about Snooki, when he was a guest on "The View," on July 29, 2010.  The relevant question and answer arrive right at the one-minute mark:


"I got to admit," Obama said, "I don't know who Snooki is."
The veracity of this statement, as it turns out, is in serious question.  For this and several other key reasons, it appears that Honey Boo Boo got hosed by the Romney brush-off.  Let's compare:

Net Worth, Snooki:  Snooki's net worth is estimated at $4 million, which is probably a low estimate, as it only includes her TV income.  She earns $150 per episode of Jersey Shore.  She has numerous commercial products, such as slippers and handbags, her own book, and her own perfume.  She has many other fine products available, either as a gift, or just a gift to yourself!

Entrepreneur
Snooki is widely known for her shopping sprees and makeovers.  She is a job creator!
Keeping the economy afloat
Net Worth, Honey Boo Boo:  HBB's net worth is estimated at $50 thousand.  That's right -- her entire portfolio is worth exactly the price of one plate at Romney's infamous fundraiser! Coincidence? Oh, I think not.  It's a slap in the face, hidden under a silver cloche.  
Some of the lower 47 percent
Honey Boo Boo's family live in abject poverty.  Her mother is famous as an extreme couponer, and in the first episode of the show, the family visits a food auction where they outbid the competition for expired cookies.
Honey Boo Boo at the weekly expired food auction
You might think this squalor and general "commoner" behavior might immediately disqualify Honey Boo Boo from receiving Mitt's favor, but that is not fair!  According to a new story today, HBB is demanding that TLC increase her pay to $10,000 per episode.  She's striving for the pathway to prosperity!  Come on, Mitt!

Political Views, Snooki:  Snooki's sole political claim to fame is her often-quoted attack on President Obama, for imposing his dastardly "tanning tax."

"I don’t go tanning tanning anymore because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning. I feel like he did that intentionally for us, like McCain would never put a 10% tax on tanning.. because he is pale and he would probably wanna be tanned."
As it turns out, where there is smoke, there's fire!  In fact, three months before Obama stated on "The View" that he did not know Snooki, he made the following joke at the White House Correspondents Dinner (May 1, 2010), in what has become known as Snookigate:
“This next provision (in the health care bill) is called the Jersey Shorah. It reads, ‘The following individuals shall be excluded from the indoor tanning tax within this bill: Snooki, JWOWW, The Situation and House minority leader John Boehner.””
So, not only has Snooki spoken out against Obama with the zealotry and acumen of a Tea Party champion, she helped expose him in yet another Kenyan Muslim Socialist lie!  And speaking of being Kenyan, it is rather suspicious that Obama apparently wants to keep all the tans for himself, and his base.  Perhaps he is more cunning than we think, and he uses that tan for political gain?  
Romney and Snooki cry "havoc!" and release their orange fury...
Political Views, Honey Boo Boo:  In a recent television appearance, Honey Boo Boo offered a powerful if indirect endorsement for the Obama campaign.  When asked which candidate she prefers in the upcoming election, HBB responded:
"Like most Americans, I support whoever is the most glitzy and whoever's got the prettiest hair.  And, of course, whoever is gonna get me that MONAYYYY!"
 
Mama and Honey Boo Boo get political on SNL
Despite being in the "wrong" segment of society, having endorsed the "wrong" candidate, and having a slightly more preposterous name than Snooki, it should be noted that Honey Boo Boo is a strong supporter of temporary tanning!  Mitt should have considered that before he cast her asunder like one of his lesser mansions.  Did he not see HBB compete in "mud-pit belly-flop" at the Redneck Olympics?  If so, Romney might have taken a more charitable view of HBB.  At least she fully committed to her temporary tan, even having it on the back of her hands!  (At the same time, it may have counted against her when her show got higher ratings that Paul Ryan's speech at the GOP convention.  I am beginning to suspect that Mitt's apparent Snooki preference is really just another example of craven political calculus...)

(It's okay to thank me for that video...  I know, right?)  Anyway, the point should be clear.  This score-card could go on forever.  We could compare Snooki and Honey Boo Boo along countless dimensions, from their favorite snacks (pickles and pork rinds, respectively!) to their wardrobe, from their aspirations to their preferred charities.  It wouldn't matter.  In this political contest -- this "most important question" -- the fix was in.  It was decided as soon as Snooki ascended to the role of a "maker" in society, while Honey Boo Boo is just another "taker" in a fake-glittery dress.  Hence, she was cast aside, like a mansion that's grown irritatingly dusty, or a spare cadillac.

Honey Boo Boo deserved better, Mitt.  Nobody can watch the video above and convincingly deny that HBB has one hell of a "spark-plug personality."  She deserved more consideration in this contest, just like when she was relegated the crappy princess title Georgia's Most Beautiful Girls pageant.

Bastard.  I have never hated him more.

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