Deep in the bowels of Romney, Inc. tonight, three sad people sit around a table.
The candibot is in his recharging niche, its grooming nanos swarming to replace every hair and nibble the last of the Univision spray tan from its carapace.
Ed Gillespe: Drink?
Stuart Stephens: Like that'll help.
EG (throwing back a slug): Can't hurt at this point.
SS: Some help you are. Why don't you retire retroactively?
EG: Talk to the chair, boyo.
Andrea Saul: Come on, guys. We've got to think of something.
EG: What, Andrea? We've tried everything. Move right, move center, don't move. Friday tax dump. Sleeping in the nude on Kelly and Michael, gag me, thank you. It doesn't matter. They hate him.
SS: We could send Ann out again.
AS: Madame does not move needles. Go figure.
SS: Fine, no Ann. What the hell are we going to do? Come on, people, think!
A long silence, permeated with the stench of despair, then. . .
AS (snaps fingers): I've got it!
The other two look up.
AS: Irony! There's a whole generation of voters who live steeped in it. They don't even know anymore what they believe. They say whatever's contrary to what they hear others say in a sneering tone.
AS: Doesn't matter. They think it's funny or it helps them deal with the futility. Who cares? It's what they do.
SS: Well, that's great, Andrea, but what does it have to do with us?
AS: It's simple, Stu. We have to channel that irony, turn it to our purposes. We simply have to convince people that voting for Mitt is an ironic statement, that it means the opposite of voting for Mitt.
EG: That's stupid. Who would think that?
SS: He's right, Andrea. Who would be dumb enough to believe that voting for Mitt was actually a protest vote against Mitt?
AS: Hopefully, the same people who line up to buy iPhones, Stuart. All we have to do is make "faking" a vote for Romney the new thing to do. We'll have to make a Facebook game about it, get a band to do a video...
EG: The bot's gonna need some serious programming, make it look like it doesn't know the difference between winning and losing.
SS (glancing back to the recharge niche): That's not going to be a problem, I don't think.
AS: I'm going to write up some ideas for the social media team. We need some slackish slogans. "Voting Romney is the new black."
EG: "The original Droid."
AS: "Hell, you buy water flavor packs."
SS (turns back to the candibot): What do you say, Mitt. Think you can be ironic?
Candibot: Whateverrrrrr. . .