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Bit of a personal rant and realization...

I unfriended her on Facebook today. She is a friend that runs in the same social circles (I’ve known her for years), with some of the same interests. She has fallen entirely into the Tea Party spell. Her posts are filled with the “mean girl” joie de vivre; since I was bullied by girls like her all though my school years I’m a bit sensitized to it. She has a joy of being nasty to liberals, although apparently she did think of me as a friend.
Well, as much as being an evil liberal could be. I always saw her as a friend (not close), with political beliefs that I dislike. She apparently sees me as a liberal first, then as a friend.

She’s had employment problems and house problems (upside-down rental, reverse-mortgage on her mother’s home before she passed). She’s worked in the public school system as a history teacher, but now works teaching a class or two in the community college system and some tutoring on the side. She worked before that for dept stores as a clerk. She really is smarter than she acts, but keeps making bad choices for the wrong reasons.

I’ve refuted her posts on Facebook – and she responded with the usual gunnysacking and goalpost moving that I’ve seen in my family. I hate arguments like that... you can never win, but you hate leaving it because it feels like you lost. I’ve explained how the economy works and how startups, small business, and large business scales of economies differ (5 yrs in the public sector, and 25+ years in various size companies in the private sector as a professional is my experience). She called me ignorant, and said  I don’t understand how business really is.

In the interests of keeping peace, I restricted her from seeing my posts, while keeping the lines of communication open. She could only see the public posts I make, nothing else. I share quite a number of pictures, sayings, other posts – all proudly liberal. I don’t share things that actively coarsely insult the GOP – their own words and actions will serve well enough. I do post some liberal shares publically – mainly about voting.
She comments on friend’s political posts, and I respond (politely – they’re my friends too) with facts. I do the research before I answer her. And I’ve watched her get slapped down by others after I post comments.

Yesterday she posted the blurb about then-Senator Obama’s redistribution video, and I flat out asked her if she ever bothered doing the research. And thus the holy war began... Apparently I’ve been insulting her every time I refute her statements. How dare I suggest she doesn’t do the research on the things she posts (if she did the research, then maybe she wouldn’t post them? But then I try to live in a truthful world.) She’s a history teacher – she know what the score is! (well, except for business logic, gov’t procedure, basic US events like the Japanese interment camps, etc). I only have a BA in History – I never went for my master’s. But she is a history teacher with a master’s... though it doesn’t look like she actually learned a great deal getting that degree.

She worked herself up to a high dudgeon – you could practically hear her voice becoming shriller as she ranted. She says that I keep questioning her intelligence, but won’t allow others to question mine. I can dish it out, but cannot take it. How could I imagine or even try to live her life – and she’s better than me because she can get a job anywhere. (I’m a tech writer – guess how transferrable my skills are, and how many industries I’ve worked in.) I don’t respect her, and how could I think so little of her? And on and on... the usual rants that I’ve heard in my family that makes me immediately want to try to make up and smooth things over.

Why? Why should I pay attention to someone that thinks so little of my life that they call me liar in all but words? Why should I worry about someone that obviously doesn’t think of me as anything other than the stupid liberal that spoils all her fun? Why should I care about someone that tosses off statements that denigrate and insult without ever realizing what she’s said? Why should I deal with someone who doesn’t think I am intelligent, who doesn’t think that my experiences mean anything? Why should I get upset with someone that things any criticism of her stupidities is worth getting into a rant over?

So I unfriended her. I thought about disengaging, about blocking her even more, but why? She pissed me off. She insulted me. So there it is.

And now, I’m in the arms of nice girl guilt. The thought of oh no, I shouldn’t have gone that far. I should have just sucked it up, apologized, then there would be no problem in our social circle. Then things would be nice and smooth again. I should have been the nice girl. Again.

I looked at the calendar. I will pass the half-century mark next year. I have spent my life making nice, making sure that things are smooth, hiding my convictions and my beliefs. I don’t like to yell at the top of my voice; I don’t like to make a scene. I've hidden a lot of what I feel so that others feel serene. No more.

Time to put away the nice girl guilt, and indulge in a bit of middle age rage. No more hiding my convictions. No more smoothing over stupid-assed political statements from others (and especially her). And no more being guilty about not being nice, about thinking about everything I post on Facebook (what if my conservative friends see it? If they do, tough. If they comment, I will engage.)

And why am I writing this diary? Because of you, Kossacks. Because of your diaries, your support for my miniscule writing, the crowd here that makes me feel supported for being a liberal. For making me realize that nice girl guilt needs to be put aside. Because of you, I feel free to indulge my inner bitch. In the pursuit of liberalism, of course.

Originally posted to efrenzy on Sun Sep 23, 2012 at 09:29 PM PDT.

Also republished by Community Spotlight.

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