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The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.

 I’d like to imagine that in an alternate universe, moonwalking is the primary method of transportation.

 I  think the main thing that's wrong with the world these days is there are too many idiots who think they know what's wrong with the world.

Being ugly isn't so bad. Women will fuck ugly guys if they have a good personality. Men will fuck ugly girls because men fuck stuff.  

I'm not weird. I just use my brain in a more imaginative way and that scares boring people.

Excuse me, Prime Minister Netanyahu? Wile E. Coyote called. He wants his bomb back.

Mitt Romney said his heart aches for struggling Americans. It's probably just indigestion.  

FACT: Mitt Romney would never have been able to thwart Goldfinger.  

Maybe Donald Trump bit Dennis Miller & Victoria Jackson back when he hosted SNL?

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