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It's been a while since I sat down and actually wrote one of these - but since I've reached a dead end on things I can resolve today - I might as well share.

If you're LOST on LOST, we've got you covered!  Take it away untangled!

I live on a work in progress sailboat on the Oregon coast.  It was an eventual living small goal that became a sudden necessary reality when the job situation started to turn for me.  I also deal with some mental health issues - not crippling, but they have an impact.  But while I am reasonably comfortable for my standards - bed! electric! dryness! - it pretty much horrifies people who live in houses to see it.

My parents are hardcore retired military Republicans in Louisiana.  They LOVE them some Bobby Jindal and my mom is pushing the voting issue as they are worried about Romney's chances.

They are not really aware of how I live.  I mean - they know I live on a tiny boat, they know things are tight and I have SNAP - but they don't grasp it on an emotional level.  

They don't understand I don't have a door for the winter other than a blanket and a piece of plywood.

They don't understand that the closest grocery store is three miles each way on foot.

They don't understand that I wash my clothes in a bucket with a hose when I can't afford the $1.50 a load wash and $2.00 to dry.  Or that I collect bottles and cans to make sure I can buy cat food and cat litter - and sometimes pasta.

They don't understand that the death of my phone means even with a replacement IN HAND, I still have to get to the next town to get it activated - I can't afford bus fare and the friend I gave my soda cans and bottle collection to for gas money blew me off.

They just can't grasp that I don't have the convenient access to what they are used to being there - car, door, food, communication.  They don't understand that a dead car (I have a dead car! WOO!) is actually a burden on a poor person.  I can't afford to get it fixed and plated - so I end up continually moving it - or losing it because it will get towed if I don't.  I won't be able to afford to get it back if that happens.  I'm not entitled to a parking space at the marina without the car plated and current, even as a resident.  Instead of freedom - it's just a symbol of how I don't have access.

The grinding sameness of it all.  The frustration of it all.  Having to ask people for help only to be ignored or blown off - like with the phone today.  I have a replacement. It was from a marketing test I did when things were better and forgot about in a box in storage - so it's even a pretty decent phone compared to the tired little flippy I was hunting for in storage.  

You need a phone to get calls back about jobs - that's pretty basic shit.  But getting there has been an ordeal of texting and emailing and waiting - to no avail.  Which is why I have time to ramble about this.  No one is going to hire someone they can't reach.  Shabbos begins in a couple hours - and we have Sukkot starting on Sunday - I likely won't have a phone until after the 8 day holiday is over simply because I have to rely on other people.

So my mum actually gave me the poor people need less support crap.  I explained how I live.  I have some kind of special exception  (whiteness? her child?) that makes it ok for me to be on SNAP - it's those OTHER PEOPLE you know.  I pointed out I've been on them a couple years at this point.  Ignored.

Then she went for the evil covering of healthcare for the poor.  I reminded her I need medication to be a functioning member of society - and can't get it.  But I'm not sick or dying enough to get help.  They help my brother when he needs his insulin - he works for VoldeMart so you know he's broke too - but G-d forbid I get $4 for a script to not have to listen to the political opinions of herons at 3 am.

She doesn't understand a trip to the emergency room when I'm manic just causes more trauma and expense than it's worth - and it sure as hell isn't free.  I have a couple thousand in bills from the pneumonia I had several months ago - when I thought I had coverage and made the mistake of trying not to die.  I'd rather listen to the herons, they're not that bad as conversationalists really. Better than most Republicans I've met.

And then she hit me with Israel.  My mum, who does not give a SHIT about yiddishkeit tried to tell me that Romney is more Toradik than Obama - and will BE there for Israel.  Just - NO.  Romney doesn't give a shit about me as an American citizen who votes - what difference does my being a Jew make?  NONE.  In fact it kind of smacked of - well you have to vote for Romney because you're religious - and he wants you to die for Jebus, YAY!  Um, thanks, mum?

Back to the reality that I'm one step above a box.  She doesn't have anything to say about that.  She definitely sent money to Romney and other rethugs while her own eldest child struggles to stay off the street.  And she pretends she doesn't know.

That's what it's like to be the defective child of a Republican.  Invisible.

So on voting day I will walk my happy poor ass up the dock from my doorless home and I will cast my vote for president.  Barack Hussein Obama, Jr. is getting my vote - he keeps me from starving to death.  

Even the herons like him.

Originally posted to Mortifyd on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 04:44 PM PDT.

Also republished by Community Spotlight.

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Comment Preferences

  •  I don't think my family gets it either. (12+ / 0-)

    And I know my other half's doesn't. For one it's very hard to understand if you're not living it, or at least close to living it. For two, it goes against their 'world view' to see what it's really like. They are happy in their denial.

    That doesn't make it right. But sometimes herons have more empathy than humans.

    "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

    by FloridaSNMOM on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 06:10:14 PM PDT

  •  {{{{{{Mortifyd}}}}} (18+ / 0-)

    Btw, do you know the plunger trick for clothes washing? I discovered that washing clothes in a bucket or the tub goes amazingly better if you use a clean plunger to agitate the clothes - much more effective than hands.

    Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? . . . and respect the dignity of every human being.

    by Wee Mama on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 06:39:05 PM PDT

  •  I'm sorry Mortifyd. (16+ / 0-)

    I'm an outcast too. I guess it is sort of on my own terms because I just don't bother talking to the folks I know would stop talking to me if they knew I was gay. It's pretty sad when people let their ideology get in the way of caring about their own family.

    Poverty = politics.

    by Renee on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 07:13:30 PM PDT

  •  in case anyone wondered about the herons (16+ / 0-)

    I'm not actually kidding here or being funny.  They talk to me and I talk back because - hey, it's rude not to.  We have a nice couple here in the marina, I call them Aaron and Erin.  They're hard to tell apart in the dark when I usually see them.  I'm a bit night blind.

    It doesn't particularly bother me that I live in a reality a little more... colourful than most people - it just is.  

    I don't actually want to be medicated to the point I can't understand animals anymore, just enough to hold down a job with people.  Medicated into "normality" doesn't actually work, it just makes me awkward in different ways.

    And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

    by Mortifyd on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 07:15:34 PM PDT

  •  SAD (9+ / 0-)

    This is a sad story. Parents not understanding or helping a sick family member.

    •  I will point out, I am not sad, it's just reality (11+ / 0-)

      thanks.  I do read these.

      Yes, I have mental illness.  That doesn't make me an object of pity, just someone who has to work harder to be in the same world you are.

      Not every family is a family.  Some have members like myself who are sort of accidents they can't get rid of.  But I can still understand and feel sorry for THEM more than me.

      Can you?

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 08:36:03 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Did Not Mean Pity (11+ / 0-)

        I read your diary. It moved me. My brother suffers from mental illness and cannot work anymore. My family is not unaware of the difficulties a person suffering from mental illness experiences. My brother has been in treatment for 17 years. He lives with my parents, and someday, he will live with me.

        I always find it sad when families do not understand the suffering of their own family members. It would make the world a better and kinder place if families did.

        •  At least your family is there for him (12+ / 0-)

          I was sent out at 17 and told have a nice life.

          My brother's physical illness Type 1 Diabetes - has been his ticket to whatever he wanted - in the state he graduated HS in it meant a scholarship to degrees - he wasn't interested in school and works at Voldemart.  My family is broken and doesn't value normal things like education and bettering yourself.

          My mental illness was apparent by age 3 and ignored - because it would hurt my father's career.  So I live this way, speak 4 languages and long for education I can't get, while teaching myself Korean now in my spare time - and he gets help from my parents while being a full time employed alcoholic.

          Life is just not fair. LOL

          And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

          by Mortifyd on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 09:35:31 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  You are right "life is not fair" (6+ / 0-)

            We do not get a chance to pick our parents nor them us.

            Whenever people grow up to be broken for whatever reasons they cannot overcome there is no fairness. I have a very superficial relationship with my parents because of my dad being a broken person. He also was military but not successful at it. Not at anything in his working career which I attribute to mental illness of some sort. He too is incapable of caring about anyone but himself even my mom.

            So, Mortifyd you probably inherited your condition from one of them. They are incapable of feeling and caring for you because the mirror is too startling to look into. I have seen this behavior many times.

            My friend I do hope that you can overcome this difficulty and find yourself in a better place. I know that it can happen. There are many caring and helpful people in the world. Distance does help to keep the wounds from opening up again.

            •  I realise it's inherited (2+ / 0-)
              Recommended by:
              Renee, FloridaSNMOM

              I have a good idea where it came from - that doesn't make it any easier to live with when I get tired and hurt.  Last night I was tired and hurt.

              Today I'm just tired.

              They are not incapable of caring for me - they choose not to see it as their responsibility - and that is a HUGE difference.  They show empathy to others, to my brother, my cousins - they are perfectly capable of it - they choose not to.

              I have goals and dreams that don't include them that take up most of my sane hours - but sometimes I get set off by how seriously out of touch they are with reality - and I'm the fucking crazy one.

              And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

              by Mortifyd on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 01:53:02 PM PDT

              [ Parent ]

          •  Stigma (4+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            Yo Bubba, Mortifyd, Renee, asterkitty

            I think a lot of the problem is that mental illness still carries a stigma. Many people do not understand that mental illnesses are diseases just like physical diseases. In fact, many people can lessen their chances of certain physical diseases and do not, but there is no way for people to avoid mental illnesses, and there is no cure for them. Far too often people see mental illness as a moral or character failure, which it definitely is not. Treatment is not always available. Mental illness is a second class condition.

            I hope you are doing okay. There are people in this world who care.

            You are right that life is not fair. I really don't understand why it is so unfair. I don't understand why there is so much suffering. I wish I did. I might then be able to make sense of this world.

  •  My bipolar client, Thomas. (13+ / 0-)

    I'm a lawyer. I handle Social Security disability cases in higher-level appeals.

    I took over the appeal for Thomas about three years into his case. He was bipolar, in his 30s. He'd lost everything--marriage, home, car. No one to turn to.

    He remembered a friend from high school whose parents had been nice to him. He had not seen these people in almost 20 years. Showed up on their doorstep one day and said he had nowhere to go. They took him in. When I started working with him, he'd been living with them for 2 years. Rent-free.

    After about 2 more years, we eventually won his case.

    Mortifyd, you need to find somebody you can call on. No one is an island. Aunt? Uncle? Cousin? Friend from high school? Parents of friend from high school?

    If you need a lawyer for a disability appeal, I can vouch for this guy who represents Oregon clients in higher-level appeals--he's good:

    His brother and sister-in-law (Ralph and Etta Wilborn) are also excellent, and also in Oregon.

    If you're not taking your meds, it's gonna be harder to win your claim. That's just the way it is.

    You need someone. Reach out.

    "The true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals." - Barack Obama

    by HeyMikey on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 08:06:57 PM PDT

    •  fuck shabbos this week, sorry Hashem (8+ / 0-)

      I can't afford the meds, or even the doctor to get refiills.  without insurance - I can't afford to see her so she cut me off.

      So I'm kind of nuts right now.

      Who do you reach to?

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 08:15:33 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Surely there is some kind of free clinic or (6+ / 0-)

        community service organization that works with folks with mental health needs who could help with the doc appt and prescriptions - maybe your snap worker could point you in the right direction.  If you talk with someone at the same place that handles the snap they are bound to be able to give you some guidance.  I don't know what the resources are in Oregon, as I'm on the opposite side of the country, but I can't believe that nothing exists to help - you just have to talk to the person who knows where it is.

        Don't give up.

        "I like paying taxes. With them I buy civilization." - United States Supreme Court Associate Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes (Republican) -8.12, -5.18

        by ncarolinagirl on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 08:35:42 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  No there's not. (8+ / 0-)

          At least not that I know of.  I live in a rural area, in one of the poorest counties in the state.   The local DHS office offers jobs leads I am not healthy enough to follow up on or hold down - and that's about it.  They can't even help me get bumped up on the Care Oregon waiting list and I'm batshit crazy and talk to birds.

          Its all in one building - and they have done what they can.  CCA - Clatsop County Action offers services for the county, but I have no children and I am male - ie FUCKED.  About the best the can offer me at the moment is some toothpaste and maybe a voucher for some interview clothes.  They do provide mail service for me so I don't have to pay for a post office box - I can't get mail at my boat because it's not actually considered a legal residence.

          It's too small here for a free clinic and Portland is out of reach being $36 round trip - and then I'm taking services from people in another county than my own.

          And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

          by Mortifyd on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 08:45:01 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  Talk about insane. What you are describing is (4+ / 0-)

            just wrong, just criminal - that no services exist to help with medical care for the indigent.  We don't have much, where I live, as the righteous right is in charge of services - but there is a little bit of help for folks in your shoes.

            I feel stuck just listening to your plight.  And then I feel angry that this situation exists - and I'm sure you aren't the only one experiencing it, and that makes me angrier still.

            "I like paying taxes. With them I buy civilization." - United States Supreme Court Associate Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes (Republican) -8.12, -5.18

            by ncarolinagirl on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 08:53:10 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

    •  No, I have no one. (6+ / 0-)

      No kids, no family that gives a rats ass or a nickel about my continuing to breathe and embarrass them - no.

      Wasn't good at making friends. The few I have are as poor as I am and not exactly close by when the meds run out.  That's just the way it is.

      My mum didn't even bother to respond to the last email - she's retreated into "this can't be happening, someone might find out about it" land.  Her sorority sisters opinions are far more important than my life or wellbeing.  

      My wife abandoned me.

      It's me and the cat.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 08:27:00 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  It's you -- (10+ / 0-)

        -- the cat, the herons, and HaShem.

        I'm not being catty or snarky, Mort -- may I call you Mort?

        I truly wish for your well-being.

        There are spiritual and internal resources you have to draw upon.  I have survived some extreme situations, and I know whereof I speak.  

        It sounds like you are in the middle of nowhere -- three miles to the nearest store.  Yet you have internet access, which is an incredible tool.

        I would be willing to help you research (google) your area for programs/organizations that might be able to help you get your meds and/or some other basic needs met.

        I see it's only about ten minutes since your last comment (even though I'm on Eastern time).  I'll stay online until midnight (ie, another 15 minutes or so, unless I lose my connection).  If you are willing, you can send me a message (here at dKos) and tell me whereabouts you are -- nearest town, nearest city (ie burg big enough to have a Food Stamp office).

        I'm thinking things like emergency hotlines etc. to see if you can get meds, food, winterization.

        If you were willing to post your location here (general whereabouts, not your exact location) there might be some Kossacks in the aera who might be willing/able to help.

        I'm just brainstorming.  But you are not as alone as you might feel that you are.  And even if you are that alone, you CAN survive.

        Actually, Mitt, I AM entitled to food.

        by CroneWit on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 08:49:10 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  I'm actually IN the County Seat (6+ / 0-)

          we are the big town, sadly.

          My docs will do sliding scale, but it still requires income.  I have zero.  At this point I have SNAP coming on the 4th of next month.  That's it.  It still takes $20 to see the doc.  They don't DO credit.

          There are 3 foodbanks in town - but I try to avoid hitting them because people with children need more than I do.  I also keep kosher which means what I get, I usually can't eat anyway because it's processed, packaged food that is decidedly NOT kosher.  No fresh food is given out like veggies - I could work with that.

          We have the DHS which is the Dept of Human Services and holds SNAP upstairs and employment downstairs.  Upstairs also handles the Care Oregon applications and I am on the waiting list for the lottery for poor people because I made too much one month before I almost died.

          Being alternately housed also eleminates my qualification for heat, rent, etc help because it's not a "real home," just where I'm not entirely homeless at.  Again, older people and families with kids have priority.  

          We offer as much as we can - I just don't qualify for most of it.

          And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

          by Mortifyd on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 09:05:10 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  Where do you worship? (7+ / 0-)

            Do you have a synagogue, or a group of ten you pray with (sorry, can't remember the term - is it minyan?  I have memory problems.)

            " people with children need more than I do.

            WRONG.  Wrong Thinking.  Actually, Mort, you ARE entitled to food.

            No room for false pride.  (And is you anorexic-thinking telling you that you don't deserve food?  Nip that in the bud.)

            Interesting that you mention keeping kosher -- I'm reading Terry Prachett's new book (Dodger,(a 'historical fantasy' including characters from Dicken's Oliver Twist) and the Fagan-like character (Solomon) has just gratefully accepted some donated pork from his lodger, Dodger, and has reminisced about how he escaped from the pogroms and ended up in London.  Ending his story, Solomon says, " . . . and now I sit in a place that is rather dirty, but I am free.  And I am free to eat pork, if God so wills it that pork comes my way."

            The above intended to illustrate that in your current situation perhaps giving thanks for sustenance might be more important than keeping a set of rules.

            I know that it's a drag to have to keep explaining to people who don't know the situation that you've already tried everything available, and none of the 'safety net' programs have anything to offer you.  When I first  became disabled 15 years ago, I was in my mid-40's, competent adult woman with no kids.  I din't fit inot any of the categories, either.

            Actually, Mitt, I AM entitled to food.

            by CroneWit on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 09:32:15 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

            •  at home (5+ / 0-)

              The closest shul is in Portland - and I'm not exactly Mr Welcome there.  A bit too liberal.

              As long as there is still pasta and lentils up in here - I'm not allowed to eat treyfe.  I know some people are more lax about it than I am - but I hold there - treyfe is for when you are literally starving to death I can see your ribs - and I still have a fat ass.

              I do eat.  Just not very much.

              The rules keep me from screaming unstopably  and stabbing myself in the face.   Generally they are pretty important for me, though I am breaking Shabbos not to stab myself in the face tonight.

              I figure Hashem doesn't want me to stab myself in the face tonight  and will work with it.  Food is a personal thing that just has issues for me.  

              And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

              by Mortifyd on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 09:57:25 PM PDT

              [ Parent ]

            •  I Samuel 21. (8+ / 0-)

              The priest gave David consecrated bread for himself and his men, because that's all that was available.

              God intends the rules to ennoble us, not to degrade us. If you need the food to avoid being degraded, the food will be ennobled by its service to you, whether or not it complies with the rules.

              Bless you, CroneWit.

              There are 500,000 DailyKos members now. Should be around 10,000 in Oregon. Perhaps somebody there is willing to do something to help.

              Maybe we could do a Kos-wide fundraising diary?

              "The true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals." - Barack Obama

              by HeyMikey on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 10:01:24 PM PDT

              [ Parent ]

              •  I don't want to ask because I've been helped (5+ / 0-)

                by KOSsaks.  I've had my boat saved because of Kossacks.

                So - eh - this is just reality for poor crazy people.  We get sicker and sicker and we die.

                But I still get to vote as long as I'm still breathing.

                And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

                by Mortifyd on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 10:11:39 PM PDT

                [ Parent ]

                •  I feel some of it. (7+ / 0-)

                  My housing and utilities are entirely dependent on the goodwill of an eighty year old woman who hates me like poison, but won't let her son (to whom I am married) go without.

                  Mind you, at least four times a week she reminds him of his shitty choice in a wife....

                  I'm going round with the free clinic about my psych med. I have a diagnosis, they have my records, I'm on a TINY dose, but it's the difference between things working and things not working. And first it was, "we don't give out psychoactive drugs on the first appointment" and then a month later it was "You have to be seeing behavioral health for us to prescribe anything for you." I am about ready to throw things.

                  When you come to find how essential the comfort of a well-kept home is to the bodily strength and good conditions, to a sound mind and spirit, and useful days, you will reverence the good housekeeper as I do above artist or poet, beauty or genius.

                  by Alexandra Lynch on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 12:30:03 AM PDT

                  [ Parent ]

                  •  I've begged for mine, and do yardwork when I can (6+ / 0-)

                    or clean boats - whatever I can manage.  I do look for work and turn in applications - I just don't get calls back - and yes, I do follow up for those who wonder.  This month's bills were paid by yardwork.  Next month?  I have no idea yet.  And the phone is going to cost me money too - turns out it's a "smart" phone and can't be dumbed down - so I won't have that on very long unless I get a job - someone else has me on a family plan and data isn't available to me.

                    I needed a refill on my antidepressants and my mood stabilizers and couldn't afford the appointment - so no meds.  I went off cold turkey because there wasn't enough left to step down.  I quit smoking pot because my supplier can't afford to give it to me anymore.  So now everything that normally keeps me levelish is gone and has been for a bit now.

                    There always seems to be some requirement that just can't be met - if you work you make too much.  If you don't work you end up homeless.  The meds you need to work you can't get without the money and time and appointments in the first place.  Without money, no one will see you and the drugs aren't free.

                    Sometimes I wonder if hurting myself would help me get help - but then I realise all it will do is give me more bills - and possibly make me dead.

                    So I just... exist.

                    And sometimes, I get a little down, like tonight.  But I'll keep going - I always do.

                    "Family" can be a real bitch, can't it?

                    And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

                    by Mortifyd on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 01:11:28 AM PDT

                    [ Parent ]

                    •  Cell phone (7+ / 0-)

                      Have you tried Access Wireless?

                      If you qualify for food stamps, you qualify for the phone. I get mine through it. It's only 250 minutes and 250 texts per month, but it's enough for job calls and doctor's appointments and such. And if your phone breaks, they replace it for free.

                      They send you the phone as well, for free, by the way.

                      "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

                      by FloridaSNMOM on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 05:15:22 AM PDT

                      [ Parent ]

                      •  Yes, it appears the program is available in Oregon (5+ / 0-)

                        Here's the link: Assurance Wireless .  You definitely qualify if you're receiving SNAP.  

                        •  I have the application on my desktop in PDF (2+ / 0-)
                          Recommended by:
                          Renee, FloridaSNMOM

                          but no jump drive or printer.  I'll have to check into alternative ways to apply.

                          I saw a diary on the "Obamaphone" and I did see that I was poor enough to qualify - and figure that will get me off the friends family plan - he's a rethug too, but a practising Jewish one, unlike my mum.

                          And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

                          by Mortifyd on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 01:57:38 PM PDT

                          [ Parent ]

                          •  They do have a number to call if you can borrow (3+ / 0-)
                            Recommended by:
                            Abelia, Mortifyd, cai

                            a phone. Also, I have a paper application here, they always send me a few extras. I could mail it to you if you kosmail me your snail mail addy.

                            How can I apply for Assurance Wireless?
                            Call us at 1-888-898-4888 and an advisor will be happy to assist you in the application process. Or, you can print an application online.

                            That's the phone number, or if it's easier, as I said I can mail you one of the ones I have here. They send me extra applications with everything they mail me.

                            "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

                            by FloridaSNMOM on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 07:43:54 PM PDT

                            [ Parent ]

                          •  I spoke to the people who have me on their family (3+ / 0-)
                            Recommended by:
                            Renee, FloridaSNMOM, cai

                            plan now that Shabbos is over.

                            I will be applying for the Assurance phone via the 888 number.  
                            I will also continue my search for my "dumb" phone that works, and have the smart one deactivated when found.
                            They will cover the usage of either phone until the Assurance one arrives to make sure I have service.

                            I am SO glad to know this exists, and I am going to use it.

                            And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

                            by Mortifyd on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 08:17:58 PM PDT

                            [ Parent ]

                          •  Glad I could help (2+ / 0-)
                            Recommended by:
                            Mortifyd, cai

                            I did without for a while, though FlSNDad has the one on his mom's plan, but that meant when one of us went out (via public transportation) someone went without a phone. If we had to call for a pick up or cab home, then there was no phone left at home, or vis-versa. Not a great idea with all the disabilities we have between us plus the two kids. Now, I can take my phone with me when I go out, and he can take his, without leaving either one without.

                            "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

                            by FloridaSNMOM on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 08:23:58 PM PDT

                            [ Parent ]

  •  Look up Mortifyd (12+ / 0-)

    See the sky and feel the breeze.  You are not alone.
    I am not talking religion here,  I am talking about your ability to communicate and yes that is very valuable.
    It does not compute about Mothers who give money to candidates and their child suffers,  that does not compute with me but you will see a change coming.
    I think you are probably happier than your Mother.
    Dig deep and write and write and write....Change what you are saying.. Tell folks you are a starving artist and for some reason people want to be surrounded by talent and then feel it.  Your diary proves you are an excellent writer.  

    The boat is your refuge.   You find comfort there.  Don't worry about your medical bills..We all have them.  Find a local food  bank and get some vitamins.  Apply for SSI and eat healthy as possible.  You are who you are and I for one am looking forward to more writings.  ((((hugs)))))

    We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

    by Vetwife on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 04:31:14 AM PDT

    •  I do write, not as much as I should (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Vetwife, Renee

      though.  One of the benefits of being crazy again is that my writing ability gets stronger.  The meds - they make it hard to get it to work right.

      I'm also struggling with the fact that while I used to be the one with word talent in my family - that "one not shitty thing about me" has been taken over by my mum.  She's a published author of several children's books and now two young adult novels.

      I haven't finished anything in years and I've never been published.  I'm surrounded by talented people who are all way better than me - even in my fraternity - we have a LOT of published authors and were founded by one.  A  famous one.  And there are others who are as well. So while I write - it doesn't go anywhere.

      I have difficulty making the leap from "I have stuff" to "stuff becomes money" - largely because I have a difficult time grasping the necessity of money past basic expenses.  I understand how money works, the concept is clear, but it has no meaningful value to me as a thing to possess.  So I never have any because I pay bills, buy a treat (soda, ecig tips, food)  and give away the rest.  I'm not sure this is something I can actually change - it's some sort of cognitive problem with money and me.  So my wife was in charge of money because I don't handle it rationally.  

      I'm also very shy when it comes to anything for myself.  I have deep anxieties about "wasting people's time" with anything - that is a whole other story - but particularly with my less than perfect writing and weird stories.  I get frustrated with the need to self promote and submit submit submit because I am overwhelmed by the different options.  I can't pick a place to begin because I can't make a value judgement on what is the best for me.  I don't matter to me very much.

      My best friend and I are working on our sailing trip for next year.  She is in charge of promotion and fundraising - she's a working poet - and that helps me stay focused on what I can do.  It's called the Emuna Endeavour and you can find it on facebook, tumblr, twitter - all those thingys and some other I don't even know about.   She does all that because it makes my head hurt.

      We have lots of amazing ideas for a video blog, regular segments, essays - we want to make the trip interactive and the world a smaller happier place.  We're dorks like that.  We also play off each other amazingly well - we're a walking comedy show just in the same room.  I'm just not very good at the part where we get people to give us the opportunity to show them how awesome we are.  That puts a burden on her.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 02:29:10 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  I knew you were talented !!!!! (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Mortifyd, Renee

        You sound like my husband regarding money.  It has to be handled by me as he does not really care for the stuff but in our circumstance we have kids.    He could be happy living on a boat and did before he met me, or the woods, or as he puts it, anywhere on the planet, he feels at home.  He is not shy.  He too is a poet, muscian and writer and does not sleep.  He has problems finishing a project, he just does not know it is a problem.
        He has not interest in or month..even year.  
        If it works for you, then it works.   I have to say, your life, I have found familiar dealing with my own husband.
        Is it a burden?  It is at times when the whole things falls on my shoulders but it is never perceived that way so I keep going.

        We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

        by Vetwife on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 06:07:42 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  that sounds very familiar. (2+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          Renee, Vetwife

          VERY familiar.  Time?  Oh yeah, I've heard of that.  Some people mark it.  LOL  

          I do know I have problems finishing things - and that it's actually a problem.   This is why I have a partner for EE.

          The Emuna Endevour project is something that CAN be done, I enlisted the help of someone who has worked with and known me for years - so my quirks and hers mesh.  We met as co-workers at a Fortune 500 and ended up neighbours and besties.  So she really does know how to work with me and get results we both like in a timely manner.

          She is the organiser, I can sail.  We are both creative and just naturally funny together - and we have a working outline of what kind of videos and writing we want to do on the journey.  

          We are also taking into account the time needed to write, film and edit so that we can produce segments in a timely manner - to be able to provide consistent content to tune into.  We have a plan and a goal, maybe an open ended one - but a goal.  

          And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

          by Mortifyd on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 06:54:10 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  I just found your facebook page. I like it a lot. (2+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            Mortifyd, Vetwife

            She has good social media skills.

            Poverty = politics.

            by Renee on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 08:33:15 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

            •  she really does! (2+ / 0-)
              Recommended by:
              Vetwife, Renee

              We are also definitely open to suggestions to make our goals clearer and more appealing to people - so weigh in if you have a suggestion!

              And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

              by Mortifyd on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 08:45:42 PM PDT

              [ Parent ]

              •  If I have anything I'll let you know. I just got (2+ / 0-)
                Recommended by:
                Mortifyd, FloridaSNMOM

                back from a social media mastermind meetup today. I love social media but I'm not an expert or anything. It's like a language that I have an affinity towards.

                But often during the meeting I wanted to bolt when they would talk about how they won't even consider hiring anyone who doesn't have a linked in page. It made me feel trapped. I'm not going to get hired by anyone anyway, that makes me feel trapped too. I have to learn how to support myself.

                Anyway. I'm just blabbing.

                Poverty = politics.

                by Renee on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 10:50:40 PM PDT

                [ Parent ]

                •  I never thought about it as a language... (2+ / 0-)
                  Recommended by:
                  Renee, FloridaSNMOM

                  that's an interesting way to put it.  I do have an affinity for languages in general - and I could see how different platforms could stand in... now I'm rambling!

                  As to the feeling in the meeting - yeah I get that!  One more little hoop to jump though that you just discovered...  I have to learn how to support myself as well -  and it is a learning process to find ways that are meaningful, valuable and managable to build upon.  But damn sometimes it's a hell of a long hike.

                  And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

                  by Mortifyd on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 11:49:30 PM PDT

                  [ Parent ]

                  •  I'm in that same process. I'm learning to trust (2+ / 0-)
                    Recommended by:
                    Mortifyd, FloridaSNMOM

                    a little. The first part of my life I did the whole this is how you follow the rules thing. I thought I had to be mostly mainstream for my kids although I look back and don't see much mainstream activiity… but I was trying anyway. And now? I'm going to learn how to suck the marrow from the bone.

                    Poverty = politics.

                    by Renee on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 12:07:23 AM PDT

                    [ Parent ]

      •  So while you are off meds, I hope you write more. (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:

        For myself I have to break things down into really small pieces. When I was a kid the people with money in our family used it to gain access to abuse me so I really struggle with dealing with money at all. It is easier for me to just do whatever thing it is without focusing on the money part.

        If you and your best friend are going sailing it seems like the more you write the more people will be interested in your journey and the easier fundraising will be. I really enjoyed your writing. Just because other folks in your life write too that doesn't give you less of a shot at being a published writer.

        I went to bed last night worried about you. I'm glad to hear about your friend.

        Poverty = politics.

        by Renee on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 06:08:21 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  me too! (1+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:

          I have a plot for the NaNo this year, the outline and part of the text written for a graphic novel - and about half a dozen short stories in some stage of being written.

          I do have to break things down into smaller pieces or I get sidetracked easily -  three of the short stories were started while I was planning to work on the graphic novel. :P

          We have some people who have really impressed and inspired us - and give GREAT advice - that has really helped shape the EE project and what our goals are.  It's help us narrow down  what we think people will be interested in and to not try to put out too much content at once - rather to be consistent in putting up material of the quality that we can be proud of.

          I wasn't in a great place last night, but I honestly didn't mean to worry anyone.  Today is much better.  The point of the diary was that I would be out there voting my own interests, not to scare the hell out of people.

          And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

          by Mortifyd on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 07:01:57 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  •  Have you considered SSDI/ SSI? (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Mortifyd, Renee

    I know you mentioned that you're trying to find work but that sustaining employment has not been possible for you.

    Social Security Disability Insurance is awarded to disabled individuals who have worked five of the ten years, tallied in quarters, before the onset of their disability.

    Supplemental Security Income is awarded to disabled individuals who do not have enough of a work history to qualify for SSDI.

    You can get an application (which covers both programs) by mail by calling the Social Security Administration at 1-800-772-1213.  Live customer service agents are available on this line.

    These are fantastic programs that mean a check every month for disabled people.  There is some wait time so approval comes with a retroactive award as well.

    Another thing to consider is public housing for people with disabilities.  Rents are income adjusted, a true life saver.  Here is a list from HUD of public housing authorities in Oregon.  There may be others as well.  Each authority will have its own application.   Your doctor only has to complete a simple form certifying that you are disabled.  These authorities are also life savers for people with disabilities.

    There is help out there for people with mental disabilities.  It's just a matter of finding it and negotiating your way through the approval processes.  I wish you all the best and hope that this info proves helpful.    

    •  oh sure, I thought about it (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:

      and then figured I can't get it.

      I don't have a nice fat medical history, I've been a nomad my entire life.  Doctors can't even agree on what is wrong with me - largely because I don't like being medicated to the point of drooling - and I've never been able to afford or receive consistent care for anything other than general depression.

      I can jack up any kind of MMPI thing you give me.  I have to lie about "symptoms" because my reality - it's different.  If she knew I talk to birds and they talk back - I don't want a huggy jacket or to lose the comfort of my animal friends.  Or the bill I'll get once they dope me up and throw me back out in the street.

      I've learned to adapt to the reality I live in and work with it for the most part.  I just struggle functioning as well in the outside one because the rules make no sense.  I also wear a mask automatically in the outside world - trying to be as normal as I can be with people.  It's reflex.  I seem relatively normal unless I'm a mess.

      As the county seat, we have a Social Security office right here in town.  I just have no idea how to get help when I get rejected for not having the right paperwork to show I'm broken enough to help.

      And that's exactly what I expect to happen - you're fine you lazy asshole, get a job.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 02:39:33 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  I know someone (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Mortifyd, Renee

        who was awarded SSI, albeit on appeal with the help of a lawyer, for chronic depression, in spite of not having a lot of medical history.  He did however have a recent and current history with a doctor.  Perhaps that is enough.  It's certainly worth a try.  As I said, that check is a life saver for so many people.  I am guessing that if you were to put in your application that you battle urges to hurt yourself, as you have mentioned in this diary, it would go a long way toward your winning approval.

        And re. public housing, you mentioned having no income: the housing authority in my town in MA, a state with many local housing authorities, has a $0. rent available to those with no income.  They also give priority status to those with a disability who are homeless.  I am guessing that most housing authorities would have similar policies.  It's certainly worth a try.  You could end up with a very nice apartment at a rent you could afford.

        Disabled people and their advocates worked long and hard to create the system that makes these benefits available.  I'm not a doctor but it sounds to me like your mental health is an incredible burden for you at this time.  You sound to me as entitled to these benefits as anyone.  Again I wish you all the best.

        •  I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE MY BOAT (3+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          Renee, FloridaSNMOM, allensl

          sorry for the shouting there.  I just kind of feel people are not getting that.

          It's my home.  I'm deeply emotionally attached to it in a way that is not about housing as much as self identity.  My boat is ME.  

          We are kind of weird looking, a little damaged, but we have so much potential.  This little baby can go around the world if I can just get the pieces to finish her off.  

          We're talking $2000 - $3000 would turn it into a floating palace.   I could put in the bulkheads, the wiring harness, the plumbing, a door - rebuild the interior so it's more space effective and it would be brilliant.  I would be able to just get the materials and DO it, rather than think about it.  The idea of paying rent and being able to be thrown out at someone elses whim - scares me.  I've already seen what happens - you end up living in a boat.

          I have lived here 2 years and have some local medical records at least, and a working diagnoses of several things that are "wrong" with me.  If I had some kind of income - SSDI or whatever - I would be ok and actually able to get things done here or there.  My monthly expenses are really low on purpose.  It doesn't take much to keep me going at all, just more than I have or see coming in at the moment - and that scares me.

          And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

          by Mortifyd on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 05:14:08 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  •  To Mort: Instructions for Survival (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Mortifyd, sallym

    Okay.  Here's the deal.  ('Here's the deal':  That's what we say in my family after we've listened to the long complicated story.  'Here's the deal' is followed by a synopsis of the facts, then by a prescription for action based on those facts.  So that's what you're getting.)

    Here's the deal:

    You're effectively homeless.  The same as if you were living out of your car.  You're living on the water in a boat with no door and winter is coming.

    You're chronically malnourished.  Which plays Ned with your psychological well-being, as well as your physical strength. For you, food acquisition has the added complexity of keeping kosher while battling the demon Anorexia.

    You've recently gone cold-turkey off your psych meds, which you know wreaks havoc with your biochemistry.  You are now at the point of writing in a public forum about thoughts of self-harm (stabbing yourself in the face) and about suicidal ideation.

    You're too far away from the publicly-available sources of help to get help, and don't have transportation.  A double-bind here is that if you go into town (Astoria) to stay, what will happen to your cat?

    You have walled yourself about with walls of shame and a self-imposed sense of non-deservingness.  If you are going to choose to survive, you cannot afford the self-indulgence of letting shame prevent you from seeking help – or of using shame as a tool to let yourself avoid getting help so you can die.  Unacceptable.  Unacceptable, too is exercising the anorexic's death-wish.  (Unacceptable to me, that is.  And what does HaShem think about it?)

    You still have the physical ability to walk to town and to do odd jobs.  Good.  Exercise gratitude for that.  And get ready to use it, if you intend to try to save your life.

    I am going to give you instructions.  I am going to speak to you in the Voice of the Survivor, which I had the privilege to learn through adversity.

    My credentials:

    During the times when I was close to death (between 12 and 15 years ago), living alone three miles past where God left his shoes in the deadly winters and still having to tote the wood from the barn every day, every day,  I discovered that there is a voice within, and not just a voice but a force within, deeper than misery and the wish to just rest, that says:  Do this.  Now do that.  Now: Roll out of bed.  Now: Feed the fire.  Now: Feed the cats.  Now: Drink the coffee; get dressed, layers and layers.  Now:  Carry wood.  Now:  Tend the fire; Eat.

    It is a stern voice, and a stern force.  It is the voice and the force within that will keep you alive.  I have heard other survivors of extreme circumstances describe it, and their experiences are just like mine.  This taught me that The Survivor's stern wisdom is inbuilt, deeper than bone.  It disregards pain and mocks self-pity.  Keep moving, it says.  Breathe.  Do it now.

    Now I will give you instructions.  You may choose to do other things.

    Contact the Kossacks who helped you before.  By email, if possible, so that you can write only one message to all.  Tell them you need help and you are working on a comprehensive survival plan.

    Post a message to the Pootie People here at dKos.  Tell them you may need a cat-sitter and/or temporary foster care until you can establish a safe home for you and your cat.  (Your cat, by the way, would count as an 'assistance animal' under the Fair Housing Act, which would allow you to keep him/her with you.  You may need to get a medical care provider to write you a note for this, and you may have to fight a little bit for it.  But for now, you may have to be prepared to be without her for a while, in order to build a better life for both of you.)

    Pack an overnight bag (backpack etc) with 2-3 day's of clothes (& extra socks), some non-perishable food (include some proteins)and a not-too-heavy water bottle.  Include your medical records, car records, ID including Soc Sec card and birth certificate if you have it, and any other papers you might find relevant – Food Stamp documentation, electric bills, lease, and/or other proof of residence.

    On Monday, put out abut 3 day's worth of food/water for the cat (if you've not found a sitter.)  Dress properly for the weather and take protection for rain/colder temps. Walk into Astoria – I'm assuming that's your 'town'.  Go to CCAServices.  (  Get there as early as you can. Tell them you need CASE MANAGEMENT SERVICES.  Tell them you need immediate help with housing, medical care, and food supply.

    Tell them you are living on the water in a boat with no door and you are likely to die from exposure and/or illness unless you have better shelter for the winter.  (This could take the form of improving the boat, but frankly I want you to be in town, near services.)

    Tell them that you went off your psych meds cold-turkey due to poverty, and you don't have the money to get meds, and that you are having the urge to self-harm and having suicidal thoughts.

    Tell them you live three walking miles from the grocery store and that your Food Stamps don't go far enough.  Tell them that your food acquisition is complicated by both anorexia and your decision to keep kosher.  Tell them that you would be willing to do some volunteer work at the Food Bank in exchange for being able to choose food you can eat.  (And switch to brown rice & other whole grains instead of pasta.  Really.  More nutrition.)

    Tell them you have no transportation and you need to be within walking distance of services if you are going to get the ongoing medical care you need.

    If they (or another agency) offer lunch and/or dinner, eat it.  Take Mikey's advice re: David & the troops – you are in a battle, too – actually a war -- so the 'rules' are off.

    Be prepared to go to a shelter that night, if you need to stay in town for a few days to take care of business.

    Be prepared to go to Behavioral Health (or its analogue) on an emergency basis – I mean, be prepared to go immediately, if CCAServices people want to send you there.  Be prepared to go (and here I mean 'to take yourself') to Behavioral Health, or the hospital Emergency Room, with the thoughts of self-harm and suicidal thoughts as your presenting problem.  Be prepared to be hospitalized, if necessary, so they can get you started on meds.  (By 'be prepared', I mean be mentally prepared.)

    Fill out any and all paperwork that CCA asks of you.  Go to, and cooperate with, any other agencies they advise.

    Based on my experience with the 'safety net' in Indiana, I will say:  Be prepared to tell your story over and over again.  Find a way to tell the most salient points as briefly as possible – it will save wear & tear on you and save time for the workers.  Agency workers may be rude, disinterested or have a kind of lascivious personal curiosity about personal details.  PLAN ON making follow-up visits and/or calls to make sure that your case/application/ whatever is moving forward.  Have any agency make copies of every bit of paperwork you submit and they prepare (that is, after you give them papers and they have you sign papers, get a copy of the entire packet).  Be prepared for your paperwork to get lost, be prepared to deliver it again and again.  CCAServices has phones, fax availability etc so you can follow up on this kind of thing.

    Persist.  If you end up going back to the boat after Monday's events, plan to go back at least once a week – more often if you are able.  Go to the Food Bank outlet and TAKE WHAT YOU NEED.

    One truism in Poverty-World is that Time is Money; that is, since you don't have Money you have to spend Time, which is much more costly.  Nothing happens quickly – or if it does, it's a miracle and should be celebrated accordingly.

    After you've taken steps to put the Survival Plan into action, let your local Kossacks know what you've done, what the next steps are, and let them help if they have suggestions or offers.

    On other issues:  

    Phone:  someone mentioned Assurance Wireless.  I have that, and it's OK.  But it takes a while for processing (and Rush's 'Obama phone' campaign seems to have increased demand, thus slowing processing even more.)  The fact that you are on Food Stamps will get you on their program.  You can apply on line or by phone or fax – CCAServices can help with that.  But you may need to have a working phone sooner than Assurance can get to you.  This may be one thing that your local Kossacks could help with, either with your own phone or by buying you a phone & minutes from (say) the Dollar General – here, a basic phone is $20 plus another $20 for minutes.  That might be a stopgap until the Assurance phone comes through.

    Transportation:  From where to where?  If you stay in the boat, you'll be on the water in winter – which sounds like a prescription for pneumonia to me.  My advice:  Find housing in town.  Sell the car.  Some might say – as someone said to me once – that 'a car is an asset, and you don't sell an asset'.  He was wrong.  Past a certain point of poverty, a car is a burden, not an asset.  The money you would get could help with startup costs for housing.  Food Stamps considers a car an 'asset' so having one lowers the level of Food Stamps you receive (at least in IN).  The income 'bump' from selling might mess up your Food Stamps temporarily until you 'spend down'.  Find out from your Food Stamp office how they would handle this.

    Found Food:  Dandelions and Burdock are both easy to find and very nutritious, both as greens and as a root vegetable.  (Burdock is 'cocklebur' – the burrs are a sphere made up of many tiny hooks, like velcro, and the sphere breaks apart and is impossible to get out of
    your pet's fur or a wool coat.)  The greens you can cook like any dark green (slice small, saute briefly with sliced garlic, put over toast with a hard-cooked egg chopped up – heaven!)  The roots you can use like carrots (although they are tougher, so cut them small, and they don't have much flavor.  But use them in soup.)  You can also cut the roots small, let them dry, then toast them dark (skillet or oven) and boil 1 teaspoon to 1 cup of water for about 4-5 minutes.  Tastes like coffee, no caffeine but LOTS of minerals.  Peasants (like my Italian grandfather) carried a small knife with them, and would pick the greens and cut off the first few inches of the taproot.  Don't try to dig up the whole thing.

    Okay.  That's it.  

    Be tough.   Be persistent.  Determine to survive, then do it.  Day by day.

    Oh yeah:  Kasha (buckwheat).  Lots and lots of kasha.  With pasta and egg & onion, maybe mushrooms, cottage cheese – great meal.  And try millet.  Lovely grain.

    Oh, and BTW:  You don't have to TRY to 'live small'.  You are poor in America.  'Living small' goes hand-in-hand with that.  The trick is getting really good at it.

    Actually, Mitt, I AM entitled to food.

    by CroneWit on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 03:31:37 PM PDT

    •  Thank you. (0+ / 0-)

      There is a lot in there to address - and don't take all of it as arguing with you.  LOL  I am a bit stubborn.  I'm also very vain and will not stab myself in the face.  It is an expression I use.  I'm not an active self harmer.  I kill myself with neglect.  Poor nutrition, poor mouth care, poor sleeping habits - poor is the operative word here.  I don't have the energy.  It's a quarter mile around the docks to take a shower and then back.  Laundry is the same.  Just going to the toilet involves a 25 yard walk.  It's not a problem when not depressed, but when you are down - it might as well be another planet.

      Lucky for me, I am actually technically IN town.  I'm just the other end from the grocery store, which is why it's 3 miles from me.    I'm not off in an industrial area or anything - the port is a big part of the city such as it is.

      I love my boat.  I intended to live here eventually, I just thought I would be able to have it finished before I had to move in.  So I don't want to leave the boat because it's my home.  I don't sleep well on land anymore.  I am comforted by the movement and the smallness and the living sounds my home makes.  It's an organic thing that I am working to achieve symbiosis with, not struggle to get away from - my home now represents the eventual freedom that a working car used to - when it's done, I can literally unhook and leave.  

      I've spent the last two winters in here.  One more is just par for the course.  I just want to be able to finish it.  A door that closes and locks so no one steals the little things I do have.  The bulkheads put back in and the mast up so she's a real boat again.  I am in here a lot - so I hear the things people say as they walk past - and it hurts.   These things take money - and also some physical help - but if I have the materials I can certainly get the help - boat people are awesome like that.

      The idea of being forced out of my home, or taken out of my home, or separated from Nigel to get "help"  is just not workable.  This is my home.  It's MINE.  I have starved and begged and cried and struggled to keep it - and it's a representation of ME - it's broken, but it's still floating and got a lot of potential.  And one day we are going to sail out of here together not as broken and find our peace meeting other people and seeing the beauty of this planet I call home - but with the convenience of my own home with me.  I need my shell.

      Emuna - the name of my boat - it means FAITH.  If I lose that I have no reason to live - and I would rather die here than lose Emuna.  If I am not here to take care of it and pay the bills - the port will seize it, junk my belongings and sell it to someone else.  That will kill me.

      The car can't be sold as near as I can tell right now.  I have paid off the note for the car, but I owe the CU that holds the title for a credit card I have been paying off for 6 years.  So I can't sell the car because they won't give me the title - despite the car NEVER having been collateral for the credit card - I got that because I worked for the CU - it was a benefit.

      So they won't release the title until I pay them - and I can't sell it if I can't get the title.   Add to that the car was originally bought from my parents.  Getting rid of the car will cause drama there because they are my parents.  I can't afford a car with no income - but I love to drive - and I really miss the freedom.  Being able to drive to the store... what a luxury.  Being able to drive to the grocery in Portland where I could get kosher food - like a dream.  But it's a good dream.

      Even the Dollar Store - you need a car to get there.  Astoria is situated on a point where the Port is located - but more and more business is going into Warrenton, which is 6 miles away across a bridge over the Columbia river delta.  There are retail jobs in Warrenton if I had my own transportation to and from that worked.  Fred Meyer is there, a CostCo, a new shopping center with AutoZone and JoAnns and the like.  Warrenton is where all the businesses are relocating from Astoria.  The local bus service is iffy and not really conducive to working people.  There is a marina there, but it's scary gross and not as well located as this one comparatively to services - and I would still have to be able to sail in under my own power to move there.  Staying in this marina is better for me - the services they have like free internet and showers that don't make my skin crawl when I do use them are vital.

      The found food information is helpful, thank you.  I know there are some areas not sprayed with chemicals I could try to forage in around here.

      I want to get my own phone, even a free one because I'm just racking up money I owe to my friend the longer I am on the family plan.  It's not free, it's just a loan they don't bug me about.  Adding the new expense to turn this one on even for a little while will have to be explained, apologised for and paid for regardless of if I get to keep it or not.

      I can't ask people to give me money.  I've done that too much already - particularly here - which is part of why I post infrequently now - I feel like if I make a diary people see it as me asking for money AGAIN - even when I'm not.   I feel ashamed when people offer after a diary - that I might need help doesn't really matter to me in terms of how I end up feeling about it afterward.

      If people want to help - that's awesome and I will take it awkwardly and without much grace - but a lot of gratitude.  But seeking out money or expecting help or demanding it from other people - not capable of it at this time.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 04:57:58 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  My last words. (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:

        I'll put your words in block quotes.

        I'm not an active self harmer.  I kill myself with neglect.
        Neglect IS abuse.  Therefore you are abusing yourself and harming yourself.  'Killing yourself with neglect' is just a passive -- indeed a passive-aggressive -- for of suicide.  Is that kosher?
        It's a quarter mile around the docks to take a shower and then back.  Laundry is the same.  Just going to the toilet involves a 25 yard walk.

         A door that closes and locks so no one steals the little things I do have.


        Like I said before -- you are (functionally) living out of your car.  You are technically homeless.  And you've already almost died from it.

        [Losing the boat] That will kill me.
        No.  The boat is NOT YOU.  You are very emotionally invested in the boat, and it will hurt emotionally to lose the boat, THE BOAT IS NOT YOU. I'm not going to tell you any more of my stories, but I've had losses, too, that I though would kill me.  They didn't.  And think about people whose homes are destroyed by a tornado or tsunami or hurricane; they weep & grieve and pick through the rubble but they survive.
        I need my shell.
        No.  Protecting your 'shell' -- and I don't mean the boat here -- is what's killing you.  What I'm challenging you to do is, precisely, to break through  your 'shell'  and PERFORM ACTIONS THAT WILL LEAD TO YOUR PHYSICAL SAFETY SO YOU CAN STAY ALIVE.

        One thing I am glad to see in your list of cant's and won't is:  You have not excluded GETTING CASE MANAGEMENT so you can get MEDICAL ATTENTION & MEDS.

        So give the car to the Credit Union and get clear of the debt and of the need to worry about/pay for the car.  Get modest-but-decent housing for the winter (with your assistance animal) and find a part-time job to pay for materials for the boat.  Sleep in a hammock with white noise.  You may find that indoor plumbing and a furnace count for a lot.  Stop giving your money away -- CCA will probably have, or know of, a way for you to get budget-management support so you can at least make sure you can but your freaking meds before tossing you money out the door.

        My challenge to you was for you to make a determination to survive and establish stability in your life.  You appear to have made a determination to live in fantasy, protect your 'shell' and kill yourself through neglect -- except when you want to have other people offer you emotional, psychological, and monetary support, which you can then 'yes, but . . .' away.  This old woman can't be having any more truck with that.

        Actually, Mitt, I AM entitled to food.

        by CroneWit on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 05:38:00 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  whoa. hold on a second now.... (1+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:

          No, I'm not opposed to getting better or getting care for my mental state - which I KNOW is not good right now, but it's better than yesterday.

          I can go pick up paperwork at SS on Monday.
          I can check by CCA and see if there is anything I don't know about I can qualify for.
          I can tell them that I am struggling with budgeting skills.
          I can call my doctors and see if they can help me with the paperwork without an office visit which would cost money I don't have.

          I'm not opposed to doing those things at all - and those are steps I got out of what you said. Perhaps not spelling them out was a poor decision on my part.  But my feelings and my identity DO matter, whether they are unhealthily tangled up in my boat or not.

          I am opposed to losing control of the shelter I have.  I am terrified of being locked up - which is my perception of what happens to people who are labeled crazy in our society.   If that is not correct - then it's not - but I have no experience that will tell me otherwise at this time.  I have only my perceptions of what could happen - and they are worse than the reality I experience now.

          I understand the boat is just a thing, if it sunk I would start over because I have to.  

          I am not walking around in crusty clothing with oozing sores - I do take some basic care of myself.  But I struggle with some things day to day because some days things are just overwhelming for anyone, not just me.

          I am already ON the CCA housing list and have been for a year.  But as far as the county is concerned, I DO have shelter.  I'm not on the street.  I pay something called rent and I am legally entitled to live here - as weird as that is.  That it doesn't meet code is an entirely separate matter.

          The CU is in another state and WILL NOT take my car.  I asked them to already.  Repeatedly.  It's not worth it to them.  They talked me into paying it off telling me I could have the title and sell it - and then said that wasn't possible.  

          What am I supposed to do in that situation?  I worked there - I talked to everyone I personally knew in management that could give me a break.  Sometimes they say no.

          When I talk about giving money away - I'm talking about less than $10.  The bills come first, then my little wants, then tzadukah.  I'm not throwing hundreds at people, I'm giving them change for the bus, food, cigs, etc.  That gives ME a certain amount of dignity to give to those who have even less than I do.  Bills come first and always have.

          I'm frustrated as hell that I can't make things any better.   I'm not supposed to talk about it either?  

          Yes, I write in a way that is emotional.  But did I ask for money?  I did not.  I wrote a diary about my experience, thoughts and feelings as a mentally ill person with republican parents - and that I am going to vote MY interests.  THAT is what my diary was about.

          And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

          by Mortifyd on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 06:27:59 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  •  Ok, one more thing. I really think your writing (0+ / 0-)

    is eloquent when you are telling people the parts of your life that you love and you don't want to leave. Write that.

    Sadly, I do not know what to tell you to do with it because I am only a blocked and frustrated writer. Personal essays are a way to connect with an audience though. There is a writing group on DKos called I think Write On. There are some amazing writers here.  

    Here is something I finally allowed myself to think: there are people who actually do earn their living writing. I know some of them, so there are more of them than say, Presidents of the United States or Rock Stars. It seems to me that your writing is as valuable as what you envision your boat to become and it isn't going to cost you anything to build it.

    If I come off as some irritating cheerleader I'm sorry about that. I can see things are hard on you and I know all about self neglect so I'm reading between the lines and thinking that you have a steeper uphill struggle than you are letting on. Still, I'm compelled to encourage people. I see it as a sacred duty. That's probably crazy.

    Poverty = politics.

    by Renee on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 06:21:24 PM PDT

    •  thank you (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:

      I like words.  They sometimes like me back.

      This diary wasn't meant as a pity party for myself - and that seems to be kind of what it devolved into, so I probably need to keep working at it.   But I do need to push myself harder to get things out there in some form so that I can improve - there is always room to improve.

      It is my hope that I can use my writing to be able to get the project going - and to make it something that will be larger than just dorks on a boat trying to be friendly.  I believe strongly in the power of words, but I have to find something to say people want to hear.

      There is nothing wrong with encouraging people.  The world needs more of it.  It IS a sacred calling.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 07:13:10 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Ah. We agree then. :) (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:

        I really didn't see it as a pity party. But … I guess there is a bunch of compassion around these parts. One of the things I found in meeting with my local Occupy group was that the folks who were drawn to Occupy knew about suffering, either their own or someone close to them. I think parts of Daily Kos are the same. If you have suffered then you hear it in others and you want to help.

        I'm glad to hear you have people who are encouraging the creativity. It helps.

        I'll go follow you in hopes that I don't miss your writing. I'm not very good at checking my follow list though and my radar tends to move around.

        Poverty = politics.

        by Renee on Sat Sep 29, 2012 at 08:20:16 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  Well-written and thought-provoking. (0+ / 0-)

    With the dire circs, it's hard to say, "Excellent!"

    a script to not have to listen to the political opinions of herons at 3 am.
    I went back to read that a few times.  First to make sure I had it right, and then just to enjoy the idea.  I'm sure it's not pleasant to experience all un-asked-for, but there are probably people out there paying a fair amount trying to find a pill that makes the herons talk to them.

    © cai Visit to join the fight against global warming.

    by cai on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 07:43:46 PM PDT

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