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I have been somewhat confused for several months on some really non issues and then again maybe they are real issues.  You be the judge.  I think soul searching is relevant to us all.  What is important and why?  I am not talking politics here, I may seem like a rambler but I do have a point.  

My husband had a heart attack back in March.been hospitalized many times and came up missing more than once,     He has acted somewhat strangely since we moved to Florida in my opinion with his obbsessive behavior of taking things apart and leaving a mess.  I am talking about old computers, old electronics, things that do not work and probably never will again but just IMO creating havoc in my dining room and of course the bedroom where most of the music recording equipment is.

I have spoken to VA about how it looks like early dementia to me but I have no faith at all in the VA in Florida.  Worst healthcare in the United States,   I have thought about getting a storage shed for the back but met with resistance.  I have pleaded to please get that junk off the table so we can eat.  It is met with resistance as it is some sort of
rebellion due to the fact he complains that people eat whenever and can't get the family together for a meal.

 I have tried but it is difficult when you have a teenager who grabs a bite and has online classes and trying to graduate this year.  Me, I get caught up in work and he sleeps at really odd times.  We just eat after I cook and sometimes it was at the table and sometimes not.  What does it matter?  We all have family time..Maybe too much.  The kids don't want to be bogged down with constant input day in and day out.  Music..Music..Music and other things that are not interesting to them or me.

My husband keeps dragging in old computers or cabinets or whatever and is constantly  never finishing a project.  He is expanding here lately.  I end up getting really frustrated and angry about a mess.  I cannot stand it.  I get angry but say little because when he is in this frame of mind to him it is an attack.   He now has started piddling in the yard and staying up for days on end with endless projects in the yard and will never let anything be OK.  Everything has to be replanted, mowed, pulled up or rearranged.  That is OK because it is outside and actually looks better except the Cedar trees he had my son cut limbs off half way up the tree,  His thinking to me is so unorganized that I can't grasp it.  He is piddling.  Tinkering.  I will not let it become hoarding,,,But IMO he is very close to hoarding electronics.  I am talking wires and junk that is antique.  8 tracks, old old...things to be disassembled and just put in the dining area or bedroom.  I buy groecries and have to sit the bags on the floor to put up because that table is covered.  Now he has started taking light bulbs out of the bathrooms to save money because he is tired of telling everyone to turn off the bathroom light.  What does it matter?  That little bulb is not running up the bill but him keeping the AC down to 73 does.  I actually called him Mitt the other night, and he got pretty angry about that.
He has totally quit going to church.  That is not like him at all so I suspect someone has said something about his behavior.   I feel, he feels we are in the great depression yet at a whim will disrupt the banking account on a whim.  Buy something, forget about it and I have to go back and cancel the order.   There is no way he knows what he has strewn and what is good or not.  

I talk to doctors and therapists and they are non concerned.  I try to talk to him and he gets angry.  Angry enough that the rage is intense and you can see it,  I know what is happening. He is trying to stay busy and trying to accomplish and with his health it turns to chaos and he is trying to figure it out.  He forgets, loses track of time and I get no help whatsoever with the mental health at the VA.  If I just live with the tinkering I have a little peace but only until he decides to start a new project and he wants us all to particiapte.  It is hard.  The little one loves the tinkering but the teenager is like me..We have to clean things up.  Does it matter?  As long as he is not wandering off, should we just accept this kind of behavior?  Should it matter that we are inconvienced to the point of pulling our hair out so he is stable?  Last night our teenager had her boyfriend over and my husband wanted her in the room to test the microphones.  He doesn't go to me anymore because I won't participate.  I ignore,  It is sad and it is frustrating.
I am at my witt''s end because I am thinking of talking him into going to Phoenix with DaNang for awhile and maybe DaNang could get him into the Arizona therapy program.
I don't know anymore.  We live here as a unit.  We all need out time and he remidns me of someone who is methed out with the tinkering and staying up all night but he is not doing meth or anything else.   I wonder if the meds are crossing up and causing that effect but who would change anyting since we have the sorriest VA and mental health facility in the world.   I don't get it and I can't change it.

I went with this kind of behavior with my Dad with early dementia.  I have seen this type behavior with my Daddy and wood before he was diagnoised with alzheimers.  I mentioned this to his doc but she asked three questions and stamped OK on the computer.  How?  He has a method to remembering certain things....He totally loses memory in other areas.  When being tested he knows how to give correct answer and fake it.  I just don't know.
Does it matter about us?  Should I be happy he is tinkering and expecting us to pick up a pretty heavy load?  Does it matter?  It is beginning to.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Tip Jar (17+ / 0-)

    We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

    by Vetwife on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 06:25:03 AM PDT

  •  Mental Changes Are a Known After Effect of Some (9+ / 0-)

    heart attacks and open heart surgery.

    Both my mother and step father had heart attacks and had some mental changes. My mom noticeably improved for several years after and was basically back to her old self. Bill Clinton was the subject of considerable speculation here during the 08 campaign over this (he'd had bypass surgery).

    Best wishes to you both and I hope you get your questions answered expertly.

    We are called to speak for the weak, for the voiceless, for victims of our nation and for those it calls enemy.... --ML King "Beyond Vietnam"

    by Gooserock on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 06:37:13 AM PDT

  •  Lots of bad side effects from all kinds of meds on (8+ / 0-)

    the market these days, due to less regulations at FDA, Greed and over medication. Many reports out on long term use of anti-depressants- brain shrinkage, lobotomy-like seen on MRI scans, dementia, diabetes, violence, inhibition and lord knows what else will be revealed down the road.
    Children the elderly and Vets are the biggest 'targets' for these bad drugs too.

    "Time is for careful people, not passionate ones."

    "Life without emotions is like an engine without fuel."

    by roseeriter on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 06:37:44 AM PDT

  •  Goose, I thought of that and so glad..so glad (5+ / 0-)

    you reinterated that fact.  So, does it matter?  Should we just try and figure out what to do to cause less stress in our own lives?

    We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

    by Vetwife on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 06:39:43 AM PDT

    •  I'm Sure for the Short Term You Have to Just (5+ / 0-)

      roll with it. My mom for example had short term memory degradation and had to develop a strategy of making notes about all sorts of things. She was fortunate that in her case there were no mood or temperament issues though the memory issue for the first year was very frustrating to her.

      I would think there must be some kind of psychological or neurological expert who could do an assessment and offer, or point you toward advice because these problems don't seem to be especially rare.

      Yes avoiding and lowering stress would be an obvious strategy, and changing your expectations as you learn about the kinds of situations where different behavior and results would be another.

      We are called to speak for the weak, for the voiceless, for victims of our nation and for those it calls enemy.... --ML King "Beyond Vietnam"

      by Gooserock on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 06:45:53 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  It could be the meds, it could be effects from (5+ / 0-)

    the heart attack or the treatment, it could even be dementia. I lived with my husband's deteriorating health for over 4 years and saw plenty of behavioral changes.  Some of them I could help him address, others I just learned to live with.

    Do you have caregiver support resources nearby? I think you need a place to gain some perspective on what is going on with him and how to best handle it. Even in the best of places, the VA is not set up to provide you with support, and it sounds to me like you could use some extra support right now.

    I'm sending thoughts and prayers your way........

    "We have created a Star Wars civilization, with Stone Age emotions, medieval institutions, and godlike technology."-Edward O. Wilson, in "The Social Conquest of Earth"

    by sparkysgal on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 06:45:21 AM PDT

    •  You guys are my caregivers and you (3+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      DaNang65, Joy of Fishes, glorificus

      are great.  Trust me on this.. This place is awesome.
      I would be a little afraid of him going to Az. because he might totally deplete the checking account on a whim.  I do have some control over that though.   I could put enough in an account not to bankrupt us but not leave him in a lurch.

      We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

      by Vetwife on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 07:00:46 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  No...None..ask DaNang.. (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    DaNang65, Joy of Fishes, glorificus

    Florida is just off the charts.  DaNang talks to Jack lots of times ..he and llbear but mostly DaNang.  They have a bond to have never met.  I saw he is on here and I know I can call him but he could tell you there is no lifeline here.
    He has reached out on my behalf before.  Nada.   I am seriously think DaNang of sending him on a vacation to visit you hon.

    We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

    by Vetwife on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 06:48:25 AM PDT

  •  If you answered your telephone you'd get more (4+ / 0-)

    phone calls, lol. Seriously, you've got a whole passel of problems on your plate there.

    In no particular order, there's what's up with "Devan". For any number of reasons he's more than a little around the bend, naturally he's difficult, nay, impossible to live with. Is the VA dropping the ball? Sure, but no more than he is.  As we've discussed before, it only takes one shrinky type person to change a light bulb, but the light bulb's got to really want to change.. "Devan" doesn't, at least not now, and the bitter irony of it all is that confronting him with the negative consequences of his misbehavior will probably only drive him further into wherever he's living that's better than the here and now. I know - I've been there, done that,  ate the tee shirt.

    What you can do something about is the terrible toll all this has been taking on you, and to a lesser extent (i.e., what you can do something about), the children. Somehow, some way, that conundrum belongs in competent, professional hands.

    By all means send the miscreant out here to one of, if not THE, finest VA hospitals in the nation, but if he goes to Phoenix he'll be sorely disappointed. Tucson, T-U-C-S-O-N, the bright blue bastion in a sea of red. There's help here, and a place to stay. At worst it'll give you guys a break there.

    Call me.

  •  I want to say publicly (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Joy of Fishes, glorificus

    Danang has been a jewel.  I would never dump problems on DaNang 65.  The whole purpose would be to get him involved in a program DaNang is feverishly working with that is working called Mindful Nature.  It is an awesome treatment but he can't gather his thoughts enough to explore or either hanging on to what is clearly NOT working.  

    We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

    by Vetwife on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 07:04:49 AM PDT

  •  By the way...I didn't out your location on purpose (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    DaNang65, Joy of Fishes, glorificus

    I said Phoenix but I knew Tuscon.  Glad you stated it correctly.  Got an idea how much a ticket would cost DaNang?

    We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

    by Vetwife on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 07:13:03 AM PDT

    •  Sorry to be touchy about Phoenix. (3+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Vetwife, Joy of Fishes, glorificus

      Phoenix and Tucson are not exactly in the same state. Barely on the same planet. We have no desire to be tied to the state populace which repeatedly returned Kyl (you go, Dr. Carmona) and McCain to the Senae, yet alone the county that re-elects Sheriff Joe and gifted us with S.B. 1070. We send politicians to Washington like Raul Grijalva and Gabrielle Giffords. You'll forgive my quickness to draw the distinction.

      Let me look into airfares for after the middle of the month

      •  OK...I can understand that (3+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        DaNang65, Joy of Fishes, glorificus

        He will be on a plane in a heartbeat if he thinks you really could use him and actually you probably could.  He could do a little picking for you and do some one on one with your friends maybe for fundraising.   DaNang, I really want him checked out physically.  I need a real strong diagnosis on him.  He would be content for a couple of weeks as he used to live in Tempe.

        We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

        by Vetwife on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 07:28:38 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  As you all see... (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Joy of Fishes, glorificus

    I will go or have him go to the end of the earth for his health issues.

    We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

    by Vetwife on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 07:35:40 AM PDT

  •  llbear said back in te spring he should (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Joy of Fishes, glorificus

    be seen out of state..Illinois or anywhere for some kind of help.  The kind Florida seems to be lacking in.

    We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

    by Vetwife on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 07:37:30 AM PDT

  •  DaNang..this could be a spotlight on (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Joy of Fishes, glorificus

    Florida if we documenting how little care they are getting here.  I get tons of letters from vets  and sending them to DC does not seem to help.  Anglejean even as names and complaints, as I sent them to her.  We seem to be hitting dead ends.

    We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

    by Vetwife on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 07:39:31 AM PDT

  •  Just got word my son's Daddy died (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    glorificus

    this morning.  My ex husband.  

    We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

    by Vetwife on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 10:34:37 AM PDT

    •  My condolences, Amanda. If not about your ex, (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Vetwife

      about your current situation.

      I didn't take my cell phone out of my pocket when I did laundry Thursday so have to get my new one activated.

      Best wishes for YOU!!!!

      "I believe more women should carry guns. I believe armed women will make the world a better place. Women need to come to think of themselves not as victims but as dangerous." Anna Pigeon

      by glorificus on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 12:39:08 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Very sad (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        glorificus

        Been crying all evening.  Sad for my son.  He was my x and we both had one one birth child.  Been upset all evening and my husband has been so supportive.  He is sad for us and I am so worried for him as well.

        We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

        by Vetwife on Sun Sep 30, 2012 at 06:00:31 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

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