Like dog crap on a Vibram soled shoe, we can’t seem to get rid of Rick Perry. Despite all evidence that his campaign is nothing more than fodder for comedians, he carries on, sharing his insipid insights, apparently oblivious to the inevitable reality that he’s only splintering the field and handing the nomination to a job-killing Massachusetts Mormon. Either that, or he's not oblivious, just having a little Aggie fun at the expense of his donors and the GOP.
According to the Houston Chronicle:
Last week, the few political analysts who still bothered writing about Gov. Rick Perry's presidential bid had only one question: Why is he still in the race?
Theories abound. Perry is in denial, they say. Or: He doesn't want to go out on such a sour note. Or: South Carolina is a more natural battleground for him than Iowa. Or: He believes, Alamo hero-style, that a Texan should never surrender or retreat.
Follow along below the still fresh cow patty for more...
Here in Texas, we have our own theories. Chief among them: our Secessionist-in-Chief knows that showing his face here in the Lone Star State won’t win him any points, now that he’s been revealed to be even more of a witless charlatan than we’d suspected. How else can you explain his nanosecond-long return to our state to “assess” his campaign after his poor showing?
A proper assessment would involve, oh, I don’t know… time? Soul searching? Meetings with trusted advisors, campaign staff, key donors, family members, maybe even your pastor. Even a little time alone with his thoughts (although for Perry, this wouldn't take more than a minute or two, so you can probably scratch that off the list.
You needn’t be Nostradamus to see that this campaign has no future at all, once the late-night comedy shows run their course. As if the voters of Iowa and New Hampshire haven’t spoken loudly enough, there’s the fact that a bunch of evangelicals gather right here in Texas and pick a homophobic Pennsylvanian Catholic in a sweater vest as their preferred alternative to the Dark Lord of Bain who will walk away with the nomination at this rate.
So why is Perry continuing this charade? The Houston Chronicle article continues:
But there's another explanation we find compelling. As Chronicle columnist Patricia Kilday Hart recently noted, Perry's campaign still has millions in the bank, and his consultants won't get a piece of that cash unless he spends it. "This guy can raise serious money," wrote Hart. "Back in July, in the cottage industry known as campaign consulting, Perry was an untapped gold mine."
Observers estimate that Perry raised between $15 million and $30 million for his presidential bid, and that even after Iowa and New Hampshire, he still had millions left to spend.
Probably true. After all, there’s only so much money you can spend on travel, food, entertainment, hotels, alcohol, bumper stickers, signs, and hush money. The "untapped gold mine" hasn't exactly panned out, although Perry's deep-pocket donors have certainly gotten the shaft.
In what will surely rank as the understatement of the century…
His return on investment has been disappointing. "You gotta start with the math," says Bill Miller, an Austin political consultant. "Rick Perry has raised north of $20 million - probably $30 million - and he's gotten how many votes?"
Well, Perry pulled in a humbling 12,604 supporters in the Iowa caucuses (fifth place), and around 1,770 in the New Hampshire primary (dead last).
"That works out to what?" asks Miller. "$500 per vote? $600? $750?" Assuming that Perry has spent $10 million, it's roughly $700 per vote. (Wow!)
But, I - and the Houston Chronicle, digress, because here’s the thing:
Texas state Rep. Garnet Coleman, D-Houston, a sharp political observer, notes that in campaigns where spending is measured in millions, consultants for both political parties pull down "real money." They generally charge a percentage of what the candidate spends (often around 15 percent). When "set-up" fees, salaries and such are added, a quarter of a campaign's spending can end up in their pockets.
"I always thought that was one reason that Perry is running for president," says Coleman. "It's a great payday for his people.
Perry's advisers include old friends like Dave Carney (his lead campaign consultant until recently) and Mike Toomey (who's raising money for Perry's Super PAC). Consulting has treated them well: The pair co-own a private island in New Hampshire."
Uh, oh… I sure hope it’s not anywhere near where Mitt has his Granite State place. That could be awkward, as Perry and Toomey zoom by in their noisy speedboat, swamping Mitt’s quiet lakeside picnic of brie and baquettes and chablis.
Is Perry blindly accepting his consultants' advice, forgetting that they earn island-buying sums only as long as he runs? Or is he consciously lining the pockets of "his people"? Either way, it doesn't look presidential.
Not presidential... Ya think?! This goes well beyond "not presidential". It confirms that Perry's utterly unconcerned about taking down his party and betraying the evangelicals and conservatives by sticking them with the Dark Lord of Bain as their nominee. As long as he and his cronies had a little fun and made a pile of money in the process, it's all good.
From the outset, there's been no evidence that Rick takes this campaign seriously. He’s like the perpetual class clown...except that he's still carrying on with his high-school shenanigans long after everybody else has graduated, gotten a job, married, and had kids.
Assuming that money’s the issue (a pretty safe bet), he’ll probably keep this shtick going for a few more weeks, railing against his opponents, joking about his mental lapses, stumbling through some more debates.
And while he squawks plaintively about “vulture capitalism”, the truth is: he’s the carcass by the side of the road. Hungry as they are, the vultures know to leave this one alone... He's toxic.