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The Republicans and the Tea Party. Two wrongs make a right wing. In a Romney administration, even the manufacture of consent will be outsourced. Welcome to the Global Pillage.

Mitt Romney’s current difficulties always were just fate. It’s not that he is a bad candidate, (he is) but as any comic can tell you, you are only as good as your material. Assume that he and the President have roughly equal debating skills. Obama has theory and facts on his side but since Romney hasn’t even settled on a set of facts of his own yet, he can run only a defensive game. Counting on a “Hail Mary” play from your own end zone just to put you back in the game, (football references end here) does not bode well for his chances, unless he brings in a replacement moderator, of course. To President Obama: When challenging Romney’s facts, bring a ten thousand dollars ante, just in case. No reason not to bring free enterprise into this.

This is part of an essay that I wrote earlier this year and I am now posting on DK, with some updated entries, new observations and a brand new “third act”. The original bits were written during the throes of the primaries when there was just too much usable material for the taking, handed out by Republican strategists and Romney surrogates like so many “elitist Liberal entitlements”. Can’t wait for the run-up to the election. I’m going to need a cigarette after, even though I don’t smoke.


Sometimes A Penis Is Just A Penis
It’s Moaning In America
The Drivel Is In The Details
The Usual Rejects
What Can Clown Do For You?
Honourable Mentions
Cumming Attractions
Tea For Number Two
ConTEAgen II
Think Inside The Booth

Sometimes A Penis Is Just A Penis  

Judging by the recent all-consuming attention to sexual issues, it is obvious that Republicans have sex on the brain. Therefore I must respond appropriately and parse the explanation of all of their efforts into Freudian terms, with some common sexual innuendo tossed in. Along with their eternal quest for more war, they have subsequently concocted this additional sexual component (Snort, snort, he said “coc”!) to form a collective theme of “sex and death” for their campaign. They have become Woody Allen.

The Religious Right has commandeered the Republican agenda, (again). Lets face it, the Republicans always were the bottoms in that relationship and there never was a safe word. They have reverted to the worst of their arcane ideals in the scramble to become the most “severely Conservative” candidate that they can be. They want women back in the kitchen, gays in prison, minorities hampered from voting using labyrinthine qualification protocols, healthcare standards returned to the 1950s and Creationism, not Evolution, to be taught in schools by driving home the story of how the human race began with a man, a woman and a motherfucking snake in a motherfucking garden.

Republicans discovered long ago that the easiest way to make money is to take it away from someone else, so entitlements have to go if they want to hand off more benefits to their rich contributors. You know where this cropping of prudent social assistance is headed. To a debilitating form of economic eugenics that will remove funding for those needing assistance (Deadbeats!) and give it to those who will use it to line their pockets (Job Creators!). Their meagre, constipated philosophy promoting “survival of the fattest” proclaims that only invigorating hard work will lead to wealth, (your hard work, their wealth) so don‘t expect any help from them. Sure. OK, I’m a cynic. My innate scepticism veers me away from childishly simple solutions and the idea of prosperity realised by sheer dint of entrepreneurial spirit. So how am I supposed to generate great personal wealth, while not having to provide anything in return? Lol, by starting a mega church?…OK, bad example.

It’s Moaning In America

So much for the comforting illusion of Regan’s duplicitous abstract optimism. Republicans do nothing except belly-ache now. It’s all about petty, irrelevant wedge issues. Birth control, of all things, is their most burning issue, (insert your own STD joke here). Fear and loathing in Washington propels national talk radio daily rants about the urgency of lynch…I mean removing….the President. Yet again, the world is headed for biblical-level destruction, this time due to a healthcare plan. Who knew? Their prophesied mechanism for the coming end times is not a piffling little magnitude twelve earthquake or mere giant asteroid with a grudge. No, it’s healthcare. Is this how the world ends and the planetary destruction and rampant pestilence begins? Jeez, well, I’m sure glad there’s going to be healthcare.

The Drivel Is In The Details

The GOP party platform does not have resonance with anything near a majority of voters. Their message, despite a feeble attempt at foreplay to disguise the same old “ Friday night, lights out, no talking” platform planks, is resulting in party enthusiasts faking orgasmic excitement. Their press releases are awash with the usual calcified Right Wing, social re-engineering white noise so they need some new type of pitch to bring women into the tent, a demographic that is giving them the cold shoulder. I’m waiting for Mitch McConnell to do an ad, surrounded by candles and dressed in a Speedo. “Oh baby, baby, who’s your great great granddaddy!!’

The Usual Rejects

Just look at the recent ridiculous selection of Republican primary contenders and you will appreciate how high the party has jumped the shark in order to attract Tea Party votes. This is the zed prime team, (a little of that much heralded math). The massive wins by the Tea Baggers in the last midterm elections convinced the GOP that their new favourite drink is Earl Grey, even if it means strapping a pyramid on their heads and eating their own children. It will require some really aggressive and dismissive, hard-nosed Libertarian rhetoric. The price of freedom is eternal flatulence. Here’s a sampler of the what today’s Republican party has to offer:

Rick Perry, (Deericus Inheadlighticus) in a stark example of electile dysfunction, flamed out early and never had a chance to voice an opinion publicly on the transvaginal ultrasound controversy. Just as well. He wouldn’t have seen the need anyway. “An ultrasound down there??  Hah. What could they possibly be listening for??” His campaign foundered when it was discovered that he played football in high school without a helmet. He has left the political limelight to return to his hobby, hastily performed executions.

Newt Gingrich, (Vindictus Hypocriticus) after baying at it for decades, he has finally proposed building a base on the Moon. In space they can’t hear you demagogue!! Gingrich blamed Obama for sky-high gas prices but the price of gas is subject to many factors, from tensions in the Middle East to tensions in the Middle East. He has a plan for $2 gas. I’m thinking cow farts. GingrichCare, or “Bleach As You Go” would make you, your doctor and the nurse into a threesome. The biggest problem with Gingrich-based healthcare is that your doctor would abandon you as soon as you got sick.

Rick Santorum, (Blatherus Sanctimonus) is yet another flavour of monolithic would-be Conservative telesaviour. Granted that all Republicans are required to stumble over themselves to prove that they are even more religious that the last guy and must vigorously proclaim their mindless deference to a spiritual higher power, (yes, a “Super Pac”) but he goes the extra mile. He makes no bones about his crusade to turn America into a cringing theocracy where American Mullahs will decide how you will conduct your life under pain of eternal damnation, every time he opens his sixteenth century mouth, (other than to throw up all over his sweater vest). One thing is certain: under Santorum Care, a women’s eligibility for benefits would be determined by having the local Bishop toss her into a lake to see if she floats.  

Popular wisdom has that the reason he gained so much support during the primaries is that he is so sincere and actually believes what he says. In a speech he tried to display his earnestness by offering to lose his teleprompter and the written script and to show “what’s burning down here”, (I wonder if it hurts when he moralises?). Ron Paul called him a fake. No, I think he sincerely is the toxic asshole that he appears to be. He really does believe that only “snobs” want to go to college and that America needs it’s own Kristallnacht to silence intellectuals. Kids, stay out of school.

During his Presidential man(ondog)date he would start a new crusade, this time against Liberalism. His chief weapons are SURPRISE!: Ruthless inaccuracy and a fanatical devotion to Foster Friess.

Joseph Kony….oops, sorry. Wrong list of dangerous fascists.

Herman Cain, (Hornycus Perpetuous) felt that as the former Godfather’s Pizza CEO that he had the qualifications for the Oval Office. The generosity of the Mob rolled up with the wisdom of Pokemon. He can deliver spicy sound bites in 45 minutes or less or the ignorance is free.            

Ron Paul, (Yosemitus Samicus) wants to gut all of society’s safety nets and provide healthcare only to those who can pay. As a medical doctor, he apparently believes that the Hippocratic Oath is a pledge to hypocrisy. Ironically, his chance at becoming the candidate died because of a lack of a campaign safety net. Nonetheless, he is still engaged in a session of heavy petting with bi-curious young potential voters, who are somehow able to reconcile legalising marijuana and murdering hobos, but soon they will find out that he is just a flock tease.          

Mitt Romney, (Convictionus Reversicus) says that he is an “Severe Conservative”. Apparently he is a RINO in name only. Despite vigorously stroking his potential voters it is uncertain if they will get a happy ending. As the eventual nominee, he won’t need secret service protection as he changes position so quickly that no assassin could possibly get a bead on him. He comes across as an unprepared phoney, a cubic zirconium in the rough. Hobbies include firing people and gauging the heights of trees.

Romney has elevated lying to an exquisite, sophisticated science with nuanced layers of intertwined and ever increasing prevarications. He has created a symphony of slime, a Faberge egg of shit.

He would have let Detroit go bankrupt. Just as well that he was not the ultimate arbiter of the fate of the auto industry. I can hear the ad now, “When Gm needed financial service, they just called Mr GoodStench. He liked it so much, he bought the company. Then harvested it”.

He has promised that his employment plan will produce twelve million jobs, although I don’t know where he will get the twelve million passports in time.

What Can Clown Do For You

This group puts the tic(k) in politics and has to be seen to be believed.

Bob McDonald, (Peepingus Tomicus) as the “vaginal probe guy” has exposed his voyeuristic streak by his persistence in invading the doctor/patient relationship with recording equipment. He has reduced a possible VP nomination into a likely weekly spot on Fox, dispensing pre-fabricated misinformation as talking points to receptive idiots and delivering a vigorous hard sell for buying gold, while the price is still inflated. Sadly, his request for 8 X 10 glossies was summarily denied. Perhaps he can recapture the momentum he had earlier as a rising darling of the Right, if only people were better informed about his activities. Maybe a congressional probe?

Roy Blunt, (Homo Flacidus). When the Junior Senator from Missouri’s anti-contraception bill failed to perform, said Blunt, “I swear, this has never happened to me before!”. Despite the bill’s failure he was quoted as saying that the fight is not over. (“The definition of insane…”).

Joe The Plumber, (Comedicus Reliefus), the country’s first Zombied-American to run, is hopelessly out of his league. He answers all questions with tired talking points that he doesn’t even understand himself. Failed businessman and unemployed plumber is hardly a resume for a job creating innovator. His abortive run is the campaign’s equivalent of a dry hump.

Scott Brown, (Racebaitus Beefcakus), in an act of wanton desperation prompted by the recognition of his campaign’s impotence, has based his entire re-election bid on the possibility that his opponent, Elizabeth Warren, identifies herself as partly Native American, when obviously she is not because she doesn’t wear a headdress to work. Is he disappointed that she is not a certified Native American? I guess that means that he can’t justify forming the pick-up trucks in a circle? Not all descriptions need to be confirmed officially to be true. There is almost certainly no documentation to prove this but Scott Brown definitely is an asshole.

Todd Akin, (Legitimatus Dufus). This freeze-dried American used his inside knowledge of all things vagina to confirm the existence of magical “No Means Not Yet, Handsome” antibodies attendant in all women’s, what, uteruses?? God moves in hysterious ways. The Republican party brass at first utterly disavowed him after a scathing backlash to his comments but when it became obvious that they still need his seat to retain the Senate, are now starting to hold their noses and endorse him again, even though the candidate is starting to draw flies. It is expected that the voters of Missouri will act like a huge vagina and kill his re-election bid due to a lack of consent.

Honourable Mentions

These inductees were not running in the primaries themselves but have added to the spectrum of craven debauchery and spectacular stupidity in other noteworthy ways:

Sarah Palin, (Annoyicus Persisticus) in repeated episodes of campaignus interruptous, kept stalking the nomination process, periodically threatening to join the fray. She always backed off, though, as presumably somebody reminded her that the Presidency isn’t a two year gig, like being Governor of Alaska. She teased her Conservative supporters to the point of giving them red balls. She then returned to the woods, happy to bludgeon a lost puppy for lunch. She has dug a huge hole for herself by her consistent lunatic fulminations. Drill baby drill.

Ghillie Suit Barbie once claimed that she could see Russia from her house but apparently has trouble seeing the writing on the wall. With her Prayer Warriors she has turned “Speaking in Tongues” into “Speaking From Asses”.  

Grover Norquist, (Pettius Dictatorus) as the unelected perpetrator of the many restrictive anti-tax, blackmail pledges that have rendered lawmakers impotent to enact necessary legislation and possibly yet to be exposed Clown-dressing serial killer, he is the GesTeapo’s gleeful enforcer and the human equivalent of anal leakage.                  

Rush Limbaugh, (Creepious Ignoramus) has worked tirelessly as an enforcer for partisan hypocrisy. He has offered to provide aspirins to all women at Georgetown University who want birth control, to hold between their knees. After all, he has connections when it comes to getting pills. He felt that since the taxpayers would be paying for these women’s birth control then they should have to provide lurid videos as a repayment. If he’s really looking for arousing video footage, the DEA could post on the internet their secret surveillance video of his last illicit nocturnal transaction leading to his prosecution, (hubba, hubba, now there‘s video of somebody getting fucked!).  

Cumming Attractions

Chris Christie, (Homo Phobicus) is positioning himself for 2016. He is pandering to any significant voting block to set himself up for a pay-off later. He championed the effort to lower the State flags to honour Whitney Houston’s passing in an attempt to curry favour with the African-American community, probably adding the shout out, “Chaka Khan” at the end of his speech. He very publicly aligned himself with career homophobes by threatening to veto the effort to allow gay marriage in New Jersey, even before his own court approved it. Hopefully ChristieCare will have treatments for premature ejaculation.

Jeb Bush, (Emporus Myturnicus) might make a play for the nomination next time around, POTUS envy compelling him to follow in the two other Bush’ footsteps. Are the “Three Strikes, Your Out” laws still in effect?

Paul Ryan, (Sadisticus Draconius), Selected as Romney’s running mate and as policy candy for ghoulish Tea Party spectres. With every chance that he gets, he demagogues the fact that more people are on food stamps now than ever before and points to that as a metric for Obama’s failure. His solution is to cut food stamps. In high school he was voted “Most Likely To Foreclose On His Grandmother’s Trailer”. He moved from his parents house early, prompted by them to encourage self-sufficiency, but mostly to make the cattle mutilations stop.

Tea for Number Two

The Tea Party has managed to degrade the national dialogue to unabashed racial slurs and inarticulate, boiler plate rage. They don’t believe that humans evolved from apes but are just a couple of PoxNews disinformation segments away from throwing their feces. They deliberately vote against their own interests, causing themselves personal discomfort while seeking some undefined gratification and look as though they are headed for an episode of auto-erotic asphyxiation. Their disproportional success in the last election was born of the generous use of fear and volume. Wild snarling and the thousand yard stare give them the appearance of curiously self-important, rampant zombies. They’re just not as coherent.

Their party is the political equivalent of the Repo Man. It doesn’t matter the reason. If you can’t pay, you don’t deserve any services, benefits or any of that mythical Compassionate Conservatism. “If you’re not rich, it’s your own fault”. They wear their callousness as a badge and hate science, except for the part where they get to dissect frogs.

By the way, can we finally acknowledge the eight hundred pound liar in the room and admit that the Tea Party always was a cancerous outgrowth of the Republican party, only? Early in it’s contagious phase, the Tea Potty made the laughable claim that they didn’t belong to any political party, that their ranks were comprised of both Democrats and Republicans. Maybe to them, a Democrat is a Republican who owns a European handgun? Easy mistake.

The explosive rise of the Tea Baggers and the Republican surge in 2010 prompted GOP cheerleaders to declare that “There is a Conservative wind blowing”.  So that’s what that smell was.

The spectacle of these political machinations leads me to conjure the inevitable future GOP Hellscape as a backdrop for a bio-political thriller and cautionary tale that I’ve been thinking about pitching:

ConTEAgion II:

Scene: There is a viral breakout of self-righteous ruthlessness (Acute Cardio-Atrophy Libertarianitis) overtaking the population, spread by mindless pod people obsessed with drinking only tea forced in under high pressure. These "Tea Frackers" are few in number but able to take control of the government simply because it was believed that acceding to their demands was the only way to get them just to shut the fuck up. They hypnotise the gullible chattering class, (citizens with lenses and microphones that erupt from their stomachs, the logical synthetic evolution of a parasitic journalist/paparazzi race) with the promise of a rollicking, ratings bonanza freak show which causes them to stumble over themselves trying to chronicle the Fracker's antics, after all of the fact-checkers have already been eaten.

Once they take over the government that they claim to hate, they begin eating the brains of the townspeople. As the anticipated feast turns out to be only a super-model-sized snack, the virus propagates in all directions in search of more and more brains, (the comedy relief in the film as the first stop is Congress). Finally, the fate of some peace and quiet and a return to sane culinary delights rests on JUST ONE MAN: Biff Crouton, an obnoxious rogue chef with a penchant for skewering underlings, played by Gordon, the rescue is a wash.

In his first acting role, Ron Paul plays a compassionate doctor, (I did say he was acting). Herman Cain is the owner of a rural fast food restaurant catering to the new carnivorous ruling class, “Hick-Fil-A”, which features fricasseed redneck, (“Dork, the other white meat!”). Rick Santorum has a cameo as a boil on Biff's ass, delicious retribution as Biff turns out to be gay.

Score by Pete Townshend, including an upgraded version of one of his classics: "WILL get fooled again". Emmy gold is assured. No Oscar, though, as the film is slated for televised release only because the producers feel that forcing large groups of people to share an experience in a single large room (a theatre) smacks of Socialism.

Think Inside The Booth

Even though it looks good for the Obama team now, you still need to follow through and vote because you never know until the last minute if those illegally manoeuvring, vote-suppressing Republican bouncers will let you into the voting booth. You could try telling them that you’re with the DA.

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