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pen on paper: 'Dear diary'
Hello, human diary. It is I again, Mitt Romney, your better.

I do not have time to write today, I am busy preparing for the upcoming debate. I have been instructed to come up with a variety of witticisms so that I may demonstrate my obvious superiority to the audience. My staff has been telling the press units that I have been practicing a variety of zinged statements for many months now, but in truth we have found very few. I think we have used up all possible material on who did or did not build things, for example. Goodbye for now, Mr. Diary, I must engage in some brained storming now.

Possible zinged statements

I know you are, Mr. Obama, but you have not yet told me the nature of my own characteristics.

I have had many past business experiences, which you would know if I had allowed you to examine my tax returns.

I would like to point to one of our best business accomplishments, Staples (hold off on this one)

Mr. Obama, I know money. Money has been a constant acquaintance of mine. You are not money.

As governor of Massachusetts a certain state, I assisted the commoners in obtaining better health insurance did nothing that I can currently remember.

As president, I promise America that I will never let any dogs out.

You are too inexperienced to be president, Mr. President. I think I should be president instead.

As the cow said, show me the moo-ney. Tagg wants me to say this one

I do not know who Paul Ryan is. You are stupid for saying that name. You should not be stupid.

I only invested in that aborted fetus disposal company so that I could gain monetary advantage from it because Ronald Reagan.

I am like Reagan, except that I am alive and he is not for various reasons.

One of my horses was in the Olympics. You have no horses in the Olympics. You do not know how to run a business involving horses and the Olympics.

I have more money than you.

I believe all Americans who own sport teams should pay fewer taxes.

You are a jerk.

This is hard.

I will pay you ten thousand dollars to be quiet right now and let me win. (this is good, go with this one?)

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