I can't believe I've been so blind. The Enemy was sleeping in my bed the entire time and Jim Henson put it there! That yellow, plushy, orange-legged Thunder Buddy your child cuddles up to every night is making him a liberal.
I hate to break it to you this way but there's no other way to tell you that Jim Henson was a seductive, subversive siren that continues to intoxicate your children with his hippy-dippy colorful, diverse, psychedelic ideas, even well past his death. He's campaigning for Obama from the grave, the wicked, wicked clever bastard.
Why can't Romney/Ryan get some dead guy's puppets to do some damage to the Obama campaign?
Can you even picture a show that awesome?!?
First thing is location. Sesame Street reminds me of a bunch of rowhouses in Brooklyn, NY. Everybody knows that's not the Real America.
Let's call this ideal, perfect, highly representative slice of real American pie; Reagan Parkway instead. A tranquil little gated community of wealthy white, straight Christians; you know, the Real Americans. Rows and rows of wonderful little half-million-dollar cottages lined with trees that are just the right height.
The riff-raff that hangs out on Sesame Street would not be welcome on Reagan Parkway. Nobody would have to be accosted by a homeless grouch that lives in a trash can. One call to the police and his ass would be hauled outta there.
And who the hell do those Sesame Street Latinos think they are, teaching our children Spanish words? The only brown people you'd see on Reagan Parkway would be the gardeners and pool boys and maids. They're seen in the background a lot but they don't have any lines in the script.
What's up with that drugged-out looking Sesame Street puppet band?!?! You know those guys smoked a fatty before they were carried out to the stage by their puppeteers between takes. Look at that drummer, for chrissake! He's on crack, for sure. Your kids are watching this, America!
You wouldn't even hear any music on Reagan Parkway because of the noise ordinances but even so, nearly all the rock and roll bands will sue the pants off R.P.'s producers if any of their songs or images are used. That being said, live appearances are out of the question as well. Besides, Ted Nugent is an asshole, Kid Rock is completely inappropriate for audiences of impressionable kids, and Jessica Simpson just plain sucks. It is quite apparent that right wingers are simply terrible at music and so we just won't go there at all.
And let me ask you, how long have we all fallen for the ol' male "roommate" psyche-out, a major play-off of homosexuals? Who do these guys, Bert and Ernie think they're fooling? I may have been born in the morning but not THIS morning, bygawd. I know two gay dudes shacking up and playing house when I see it.
On Reagan Parkway there are only Real American Families with a mom, a dad and 2.5 kids wearing cardigans in every single house. You don't have to worry about explaining to your children why two men that aren't brothers live in the same house. Just don't let them buy the house. Tell them it's sold. Problem solved. How hard was that?
You'd think that Jim Henson was a vegan or something, the way Sesame Street promotes the cuteness and vulnerability of animals. Those adorable little 15 second clips of kittens frolicking and hippos yawning are assaults on your true red-blooded hog killin, BBQ dinosaur leg-eatin, Real American self. I'm sure most people don't eat kittens and hippos but that's hardly my point. I see what he did there.
The residents of Reagan Parkway love their pets! How dare anyone imply otherwise. They love their dogs so much, they have a special carrier on the roof of their vehicles especially made for the dog because dogs love that kind of shit. They especially love when it's a 9 hour trip at 60 mph.
And why are your kids learning how to count if they aren't counting money? What business do your kids have knowing how to read if they can't order from the menu of an expensive restaurant? Sesame Street does nothing to promote the values of Real American people. What is that fruit stand on the corner? Where's WalMart? Saves the servants on RP a lot of time when they can shop for everything at one store.
"Sponsored by the letter M". Bullshit! Letters don't have any money! They lie to you, America. Wake up. The producers of Reagan Parkway would never lie to you about their sponsors. It would be apparent as soon as you were 3 minutes into the program and it took a break for 16 product ads in a row. Sesame Street has no commercials whatsoever. So unAmerican. Kids deserve to be interrupted from having their counting education reinforced by the entertaining, psychedelic and catchy songs to sit through at least 8 ads featuring sugary drinks and candy and toys.
America, if you can't see the damage Jim Henson and his giant canaries, elephants on heroin, gay roommates, drug-addicted hippie band and...LATINOS TALKING NOT ENGLISH has done to our children, then you've been sleeping next to your Elmo plushy for much too long. It's time we did something about this deceased, flaming liberal gay hippie sorcerer and his toys of destruction.
Vote for Romney so that he can bring us the yellow head of this canary on steroids that leads the entourage of weirdos that were conjured out of Henson's devious mind. He can get that frog, too. That frog is on TV more than Ryan Seacrest. He's the MC for The Muppet Show, he's a beat reporter on Sesame Street, he's starring in the Muppet films, he's recording songs and marrying a horny, bad Mae West impersonation of a pig, (If that isn't an endorsement for mixed marriage, I dunno what is...) I mean, when does this frog SLEEP? I bet he's on crack during most of these tapings.