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In a devastating setback to the Obama campaign, a new Pew poll shows that 100% of self-identified Romney voters intend to vote for Mitt Romney in November.  According to the randomized sampling of attendees at a recent $50,000-per-plate Romney fundraiser, every last respondent indicated a strong intention to vote for the Republican in the upcoming election.  "This bodes very ill for Barack Obama," said independent non-partisan analyst Mitt Romney.  "I think it shows how Mitt Romney is surging with independent voters," said another independent analyst named Mitt Romney.

But not everyone agrees with the overwhelming consensus among people named Mitt Romney that Mitt Romney is surging toward victory.  One or two dozen biased polls - all of which surely come from Communists, Frenchmen, or Communist Frenchmen - vaguely suggest a remote, minute possibility that Americans strongly favor President Obama.  "Not so," says election expert Mitt Romney, of the Mitt Romney Institute for Mitt Romney Studies.  "I have on my payroll hundreds of people who say I'm winning, that I gave a masterful debate performance, that I'm a sexy beast irresistible to women, and that once I'm elected I'm favored to win Olympic gold medals in every event.  One or two disagreed once, but I fired them, of course - they weren't giving me accurate information.  It's like I've always said: You gotta hold people who aren't me accountable."

Obama campaign strategist David Axelrod, upon seeing the poll, was so shocked and dismayed by the news that he collapsed in a fit of strange, spastic behavior that has been identified as a non-Republican phenomenon known as "laughter."  Eminent psychiatrist Mitt Romney of the Mitt Romney Psychiatric Research Foundation described this reaction as "an obvious sign of deep feelings of envy and fearful admiration toward Mitt Romney, and a plain indication that the Democrats expect to lose in November."  

Following the release of the poll, the climate was jubilant on the message boards of Mitt Romney's private web network, Gott Mitt Uns / RomneyTopia (headquartered in the Cayman Islands).  One user, "mittromney2278145" said "ZOMG, Obama doesn't have a chance!" but was warned by moderator "mittromney1724" for mentioning the Democratic incumbent's without an accompanying racial slur or deranged conspiracy theory.  User "mittromney528174" was more measured, saying that his certainty in Romney's eventual victory had gone from "super-duper" to "really super-duper."  One comment, complaining that the poster had not yet been paid for his earlier comments, swiftly disappeared from view.

The mood among some Democrats, however, has been gloomy.  "I'm just so upset!" said construction worker Tyrone Biggins.  "How can 100% of these people be Romney supporters?!  I'm scared and anxious.  I just...(sob)...I just want to crawl in bed with a big tub of ice cream and watch Little House on the Prairie reruns."  Another Democrat, New Jersey Longshoreman's Union delegate Tony Dellaface, said he's been knitting sweaters and petting his kitten all day to deal with the stress of his dawning realization that Obama is doomed.  "It's obvious that Mitt Romney has won - he said so.  It was all over the TV.  At first I hoped he was wrong, but then the pundits got up and said he said so, so I thought 'this is really happening.'  It's a good thing I have Miss Biggles here to pet or I would have broken down crying.  I hope we can get good terms by surrendering now."  Maybe a few Democrats disagree with this narrative, but this reporter is not going to waste his time talking to such disagreeable people.      

In preparation for the inevitable Romney landslide as evidenced by the poll, frugal Republican governors across the country have announced plans to cut costs by using thinner, shredder-friendly paper on ballots used in Democratic-friendly districts, and save the cost of ballots entirely in Republican districts by simply multiplying an official GOP template by the number of votes they want.  In particular, Governor Scott Walker (R - Walkerstan) has promised the same reality-based vote-counting methods in the upcoming national election as in the one that defeated an attempt to recall him from office last June.  "I guarantee that Mitt Romney's victory in Wisconsin will be impressive and imposed with not one bit more force than necessary."

Questions about the poll and Romney's obviously impending victory shouted at the President from reporters during a campaign stop were answered only with a brief, enigmatic smile and the remark "Real questions, please."  Pundits were swift to condemn the response as a sign of weakness.  "Why that cowardly, spineless, gutless, amphibian of a pacifist jelly-based hermaphrodite," shrieked normally measured commentator Rachel Maddow, while tearing out her hair and repeatedly beating a cowering intern about the face.  "He just gave away the whole election right there," opined former DLC victory strategist Loserio McLoserton, now a highly-paid MSNBC commentator.  "John McCain is definitely going to win now - it'll be McCain in '08, just like I've been predicting all along."  

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