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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…

The Week Ahead

Space shuttle Endeavour resting temporarily in the Drollinger parking lot in Westchester, California, on it's way through the streets of Los Angeles to the California Science Center
"License and registration, please."
Monday Mitt Romney points to six more studies proving that his tax plan is better than the president's. The studies turn out to be crib notes hastily scrawled on his advisors' palms and PolitiFact rates them "mostly smudgy."

Los Angeles erases its budget deficit in an instant after issuing its first-ever ticket to the Space Shuttle Endeavour for violating every motor vehicle law ever written.

Tuesday President Obama and Mitt Romney meet for debate #2 at Hofstra University in Hempstead, NY. Moments later, Republicans switch places with Democrats on window ledges.

Paul Ryan finally emerges from the bathroom in Danville, Kentucky where he's been peeing since last Wednesday night.

Today is Dictionary Day. Look it up.

Wednesday After doing nothing to create jobs over the last four years, Republican members of Congress continue campaigning on their theme that Obama has done nothing to create jobs over the last four years.

President Obama greets people in the midwest. Mitt Romney greets corporations in the midwest.

Austrian daredevil Felix Baumgartner and his parachute are finally freed from Gladys Higginbotham's Albuquerque chimney after she reports to police that all that Austrian swearing wasn't in her head after all.

Thursday Unemployment claims for the week are announced and prove to be good news for Democrats but not Jack Welch, who drives to the Commerce Department building and starts beating on it with a tire iron

Proving he's the president of 100 percent of Americans, Obama hobnobs with the 1 percent at the 67th Alfred E. Smith Dinner, and then hangs out with the 99 percent on The Daily Show. That's, like, a Jedi move right there.

The "leading economic indicators" for September are released. Economists agree that, based on their analysis, the United States should immediately switch over to a campaign ad-based economy.

Friday Today is Evaluate Your Life Day. For best results, grade on a curve.

Oh, and according to the Mayan calendar, the world will not end this week. Please plan your life accordingly.

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Monday, October 15, 2012

Note: Today is the start of Rub Your Shoes On The Carpet And Then Touch Your Cat's Nose With Your Finger season.  Or as emergency rooms call it: finger reattachment season.

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the general election: 22
Days 'til the Keene Pumpkin Festival in New Hampshire: 5
Percent chance that Paul Ryan urgently requested federal grants and other financial assistance for programs he now promises to cut as part of a Romney administration: 100%
(Source: AP analysis via Americablog)
Budget surplus the U.S. government ran in September, the highest since April, 2008: $75 billion
(Source: Marketwatch)
Number of people throughout the world who had cell phone plans at the end of last year, worth about $1.5 trillion to telecom companies: 6 billion
(Source: United Nations telecommunications agency via USA Today)
Weeks Roger Federer has been #1 in the world tennis rankings so far in his career: 300
Stats for the birth of Laila Fitzgerald in Iowa: 8 pounds 9 ounces, born on 10/11/12 at 13:14

Random NFL Score:
Cleveland Browns 34  Cincinnati Bengals 24

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NEW!  "The President is Distant and Aloof and I Can PROVE it!"

I tell you the President is distant and aloof---here's proof!!!

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Elizabeth Warren with her trusted canine advisor Otis.

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Joe Biden and President O'Bama high-five
"Ohio's holdin' steady, buddy."
"That's a Big Fuckin' deal, Mr. President."
CHEERS to putting some pluses in the plus column.  The only political news I need to hear to get me through the day is that President Obama is winning in my home state of Ohio.  Because if he wins in Ohio, he wins the election---Mitt has no wiggle room without it.  So I was happy to see Saturday night that the latest PPP poll says that Obama leads in Ohio by 5.  Plus: one-in-five Buckeyes have already cast their ballot, and of those 76 percent of them appear to be voting for Obama.  Plus Plus: Obama is also favored on the economy in Ohio.  Plus Plus Plus: he's also favored by Ohioans when it comes to Libya.  Plus Plus Plus Plus: his approval rating stands at 50%.  Happy Monday.

CHEERS to fun in Fajita Land.  A wonderful time was had by all at Saturday's New England Kossack Meetup at Margaritas Mexican Restaurant in Portsmouth, New Hampshire.  I've been going to these for at least seven years, and this was by far the biggest turnout.  Making a joyful noise were with us were:

2012 October Kossack meetup in Portsmouth, new Hampshire
New England Kossacks pretending like there's not
a teabagger bound and gagged under the table
(Photo by brillig)
bjedward, Nhox42, Fennster, Clytemnestra, Mataliandy, Mayim, Commonmass & GreenMountainBoy02, Brillig & Mik, LoreleiHI & Cailin Ard, Ed Tracey, Nautical Knots & Mrs. Nautical Knots, Thestral, Vacationland, Simple, Moody Loner & Mrs. Loner & Kid Loner, Debbie in ME, Dave, Parsons Beach & Jim, Sadie Sue & Rick Deville, Jim Wilson, Angela Quattrano & John, Common Sense Mainer & BiPM…and our guest of honor, all the way from the left coast and complete with flowers in his hair, sfbob!
What a great group, and when Bob walked in it was like having our own "Livingstone, I presume" moment.  There was a general consensus among us: Obama good, Mitt bad.  Fall pretty, winter ugly.  Elizabeth Warren middle-class protector, Scott Brown Wall Street putz.  Democrats sane, Republicans crazy.  Then it got really quiet when the food came.  And what happened after that will only be revealed when it gets chiseled into the wall of the Daily Kos National Monument.  (Note to sculptor: we'll need four marble slabs to fit it all in.)

JEERS to America's #1 pubic hair expert.  Twenty-one ago today, in 1991, Clarence Thomas was confirmed by the Senate to become the Supreme Court's first justice with a neatly-catalogued porn collection (#1 on his list: The Adventures of Bad Mama Jama).  Today he sits on his fat ass seething at liberals for exposing his X-rated lifestyle.  Say this for Republicans: at least they're consistent.

Still from the movie
Felix Baumgartner during his
historic ascent to 128,000 feet
CHEERS to the man who fell to earth who is not David Bowie.  Felix Baumgartner, the Austrian daredevil who never met a law of gravity he didn’t love, used a giant balloon to float 23 miles into space.  He then did what any normal human being would do: he jumped.  What ensued was a death-defying leap that had millions of viewers pearl-clutching and sweating bullets of uncertainty bordering on panic, but all ended well when the charismatic hero used his smarts and competence to land in the winner's circle as cheers of victory drowned out the naysayers who had prematurely written his epitaph.  The aftermath was a bend-down-and-kiss-the-ground moment.  For both
Baumgartner and the creators of political metaphors.

CHEERS to letters from the C&J mailbag:

Dear Taliban in Pakistan,

Hello! We hope you're enjoying the fall colors and the fresh cool breezes as the year begins to wind down.  How are your blueberry crops looking this year?  Ours have been BERRY good.  Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!

Hey, I'm writing because I see that you're in a bit of trouble at the moment.  It seems declaring a fatwa on a 14 year-old girl and then sending goons into a classroom to shoot her in the head has made your group kind of---oh, what's phrase---hated, hunted and despised.

Well, good luck with that.

Sincerely,

BiPM

Delivered via drone, along with a hailstorm of shoes.

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Five years ago in C&J: October 15, 2007

CHEERS to Al Gore.  We congratulate the 43rd president for adding the Nobel Peace Prize to his Oscar, Emmy, Webby, and Prince of Asturias Awards, and we'll give him some room to celebrate.  But...he's still got a long row to hoe.  No C&J endorsement until we see that George Van Biesbroeck Prize on your mantel, lazy ass.

JEERS to thinning the herd.  You'd think doctors would pay extra attention to the health of our children.  And you would be wrong, says Newsday:

[F]indings revealed that kids nationwide, regardless of insurance status, are receiving only 46 percent of the care they should be getting in doctors' offices, emergency rooms and hospitals. ... The researchers found, for example, that only 19 percent of seriously ill infants with fevers taken to doctors had the correct laboratory tests to determine the underlying ailment.  Only 44 percent of children with asthma, the study found, were on the right medication.
Unbelievable.  Unconscionable.  This situation presents a grave danger to a critical component of America's future.  Namely, my Social Security checks.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to commercial interruptions.  If you love old presidential campaign commercials, you'll be in Heaven at a site called The Living Room Candidate:

Daisy Ad for the Johnson campaign in 1964
Johnson's "Daisy" ad.
(Real subtle there, Lyndon.)
SEE! Dwight Eisenhower do his best Charlton Heston impression!

SEE! Lyndon Johnson nuke a little girl!

SEE! Richard Nixon torture Duke Ellington on the piano!

SEE! Michael Dukakis drive a tank over a kitten! (According to Conservapedia)

SEE! John McCain and Sarah Palin as the "original mavericks" who turned out to be neither original nor mavericks!

SEE! Bob Dole demonstrating how Viagra changed his life!

Sorry, but I can't link to that last ad.  Every time I try my computer seizes up and starts sparking...

Have a nice Monday.  And if that's not possible, go for the kneecaps.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

Bill in Portland Maine soars in early Cheers and Jeers reviews
---Reuters

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Poll

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