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In the past, they targeted states.  Then districts.  Then came Reagan Democrats, followed by Soccer Moms, then, the Grizzly Mama.

Now, just in time for Election twenty-twelve comes:  "Micro-targeting Undecideds!"

Billy Pinkerton's left lobe finds the cool logic of Obama appealing, but his right lobe finds the creative accounting and mystery of Mitt Romney exciting!

But this election will not be decided by Billy's left or right lobes-- this election will be decided by . . . his scalp dander!

Those notoriously fickle undecided flakes!

[Polling has progressed to such a powerful micro-level, undecided flakes have become crucial to deciding the future of our Republic!]

The latest poll of Billy's scalp dander finds fifty-point-one percent of undecided flakes found Obama too aggressive in the debate, while forty-nine-point-nine percent found him passive and unfocused.

Thanks to the growing political power of undecided flakes, new debate formats are in the works.

The Road Trip Debate:  where just one undecided flake conducts a thirty-six-hour tiny town hall in a small sedan!

[You're not gonna' let me fall asleep, are you?  Tell me a story or something…]

The Kitchen Table Debate.

[Which ever one a you fellas cooks me the best omelette's got my vote!]

And the Seventy-two-hour Decisionator Debate.

[I-I-I know it's important, but, but-- I just can't dec-- can I have more time?]

Micro-targeting Undecideds!

Because our future rests with . . . Billy's undecided flakes.

(With a four percent margin-of-error for undecided flakes who could not decide if they were undecided.)

Originally posted to Daily Kos on Fri Oct 19, 2012 at 07:00 AM PDT.

Also republished by Comics.

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Comment Preferences

  •  "Whatevercare" (11+ / 0-)

    Because we all know penicillin just isn't as effective as a dismissive glance.

  •  Undecided voter = Ain't payin attention (11+ / 0-)

    And are very loud and annoying about the fact that they are NOT paying attention...

    Nope, not at all.  You guys have to COURT me...

    I don't blame Christians. I blame Stupid. Which sadly is a much more popular religion these days.

    by detroitmechworks on Fri Oct 19, 2012 at 07:04:48 AM PDT

    •  They're so proud of it, too (8+ / 0-)

      they seem to think being totally uninformed is some badge of honor. It's like saying, "look! I'm not potty trained!" and expecting societal approval for it.

    •  I don't blame Christians... (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      detroitmechworks, blueoasis

      THAT is very funny. I like your tag line. I'll remember it and use it when I go to a party someday...

    •  They Pay Attention to the Wrong Things (4+ / 0-)

      An undecided relative was all for Obama the night after the last debate because of Romney blaming single mothers for gun deaths. She posted on her Facebook account that Romney had just lost her because she is a single mom and her kid doesn't carry a gun. The next morning she was not so sure after a friend posted to remind her that Obama's book "Dreams from my Father" was "really scary". She replied that her friend was right because she had read that that book was "really scary". Mind you she herself hadn't read the book and probably has no idea why it might have been scary but this salient point certainly deserved grave consideration in her quest to decide who to vote for.

      Now in general she tilts Republican so the fact that she doesn't care for Romney is pretty significant. Also she really is not very bright. It is worth remembering that half the nation has below average intelligence. I suspect that demo contains most of the undecideds.

  •  Bunch of Flakes! (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    starduster, jds1978, Shockwave, wader

    I thought, at first, that the article was going to be about JEFF Flake. What a flake.

    Flaky puffs...

    And of course, there is that oh-so-completely-stupid-and-unimportant "Benghazi attack" meme that has permeated and pervaded our national consciouness. Despite that, in reality, none of us actually fucking cares about it.

    The attack has become the biggest political football in fucking HISTORY.

    Think about it. Think hard, and think deep. Tell yourself that you really, REALLY care about four Americans dying in northern Africa. Then, think about 9/11/2001, when close to 3,000 Americans died in the northern United States.

    Then think about whether it makes a hell of a lot of sense to vote this year based on that.

    If you think, "hey -- we gotta get rid of this Obama guy because, well, he fucked up Benghazi!!!" then you really are a flake.

  •  Saturday Night Live had a funny short film (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    decembersue, wader

    the other night:

    Undecided Voters

  •  I just hope they break for Obama on (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    Election. Seems like they might be leaning Romney.

    "I'm not mad at them (tea party) for being loud, I'm mad at us for being silent for the last two years. Where have we been"? "it was never yes HE can, it was Yes WE can". - Van Jones

    by sillycilla on Fri Oct 19, 2012 at 07:13:31 AM PDT

    •  You are right Cilla most do lean.................. (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:

      toward RMoney because IMHO a lot are moderate conservatives/Rethugs who will or cannot identify with the Teahadists who now run the GOP.  Also a large number are closet racists who are not comfortable with making an outward statement that they don't like BHO because he is black.

      I have seen some undecideds interviewed who can only point to Willard being a "businessman" as a reason to vote for him; you can bet the farm that a majority of these "undecideds" are closet Rethugs or racists. They are just hiding their true feelings behind a screen of moderation.

      The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation--HDT

      by cazcee on Fri Oct 19, 2012 at 07:26:17 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Dunno (0+ / 0-)

        If they were closet racists, they would have voted for McCain in 2008; if they voted McCain in 2008 why would they be undecided now?

      •  President runs a Country -- not a business. (4+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        DSPS owl, cazcee, Amber6541, blueoasis

        That "businessman" crossed my mind many years back, just as I once thought it was good to elect "lawyer" because they might better understand the "unexpected consequences" before they voted in flawed laws.

        Founders pictured "public service" as a period of time taken by citizen ---  to bring their variety of real life experiences with them to the decision making process -- even if they made less money while there.  Then GO HOME.  

        The idea was, and still should be, that an ordinary citizen could better help run our country than elitists/royalists/dollar royals.  

        You shouldn't have to be a "specialist."  It is a group effort which is supposed to be for the good of all.

        That's why it was stupid to believe Nixon's "secret plan to end the war" and even dumber to believe a vulture capitalist who says "just trust me, the numbers work".    We've seen Mittwitt's work ---- and it is ugly --- and it is BAD business.  

        De fund + de bunk = de EXIT--->>>>>

        by Neon Mama on Fri Oct 19, 2012 at 07:43:44 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  Sadly, in VA there are a lot of undecided women (2+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          cazcee, Amber6541

          who side with Obama socially yet based on the economy, they are voting for Romney because Obama couldn't fix the economy. As if one man can fix it. They also site his CEO status which is great if you want to flip houses, make money quickly or run a business. The US is a business, yet and the same qualities that make a good CEO do not make a president.

          I've also been told that the social issues can be dealt with later. Tell that to your daughter when they ban abortions or take away more social programs. But of course it won't happen to them.

          To me there is enough daylight between the candidates that the decision is a no-brainer.

          •  Business vs Country: (0+ / 0-)

            My first small business was a paper route.  I did it to earn money.  I had to deliver product reliably, on time, and in the spot the customer requested. I collected payment and cut off non-payers.  I had to solicit new subscribers.  

            I did a good job, banked my profits until I needed it for college.
            BUT, when I quit, I had no qualms about dumping my loyal customers to fend for themselves with whomever replaced me.  It didn’t matter to me if they switched to my supplier’s competitor (yes, so long ago there was more than one local paper) .

            I can’t, WE can’t, walk away from our fellow citizens.  We can’t dump our least productive citizens on another country – like a business can dump a poor product on foreign markets (if they have no ethics.)   Or tell poor neighbors “good luck on getting law enforcement at your house.”  Or “too bad your kid has a learning disability and you can’t afford private tutors.”  Or go back to dumping human waste in our waterways because it isn’t cost effective to protect ourselves from epidemics.  

                  If we don’t all pay tax for education, nobody would even have “qualified” women to put in binders.  

                  We are more like a family.   When autos outnumber horse drawn, we may need to help our hardworking blacksmith uncle find a new use for his skills.  Or help feed his kids for a while.  

                  Just like ALL insurance --- we are sharing the risk with a big pool --- so we don’t live in terror of the unexpected glitch.  That’s my simplistic view of our social contract.

                  And yes --- we need to shame and report the abusive cousin who harms the women in our family.  

            De fund + de bunk = de EXIT--->>>>>

            by Neon Mama on Fri Oct 19, 2012 at 09:39:09 AM PDT

            [ Parent ]

  •  How uninformed and disconnected can they be? (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    sallyfallschurch, DSPS owl, blueoasis

    Are there really enough people who are chosing to be ignorant about this race? If Romney gets into the white house, we will come to understand what it really means to sacrifice. He will expect sacrifices from 98% of us so that the elite can finally and continually enjoy the fruits of their deception. They will win the class war and can stand forth in all their 'right' glory. They can move their horrible plans out of 'quiet rooms and into all our lives.

    I fear we will all be Koch puppets. We won't have a choice. And religious extremists in America will drive their evil influence farther into the lives of once free Americans.

    @}-;-'--- If you are opposed to abortion, don't have one. If you are opposed to same-sex marriage, duh! It's not patriotic to try and control the free choices of other Americans that have nothing to do with you!

    by starduster on Fri Oct 19, 2012 at 07:17:34 AM PDT

  •  am I the only one who thinks it's a fucking (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Peace Missile, Tardisgal

    ROTTEN idea to call the very people whose votes you NEED to win, idiots?

    Is this REALLY how we win them over?


    "A squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is fast and me?" - Don Van Vliet

    by AlyoshaKaramazov on Fri Oct 19, 2012 at 07:24:36 AM PDT

    •  Do you (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:

      think they are reading any political news, especially this site?

      They are willfully low information (possibly non-)voters and subtleties like undecided flakes is probably not going to gain broad attention in their networks.

      I'm worrying about the hundreds of million$ being spent to lie to them.

  •  My sister is a classic swing voter (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Amber6541, 88kathy, DeminNewJ

    Pays zero attention to politics. Doesn't watch the debates. Always votes, usually based on some vague impression gleaned from radio and TV ads.
    She is so removed from the campaigns that she told me the other night the interesting thing about Romney is he's started and managed several small businesses.
    I set her straight on that one - and she seemed to be leaning Obama anyway. But it's staggering that despite the months of clamor over Bain this year, not a word of it has reached her.

  •  Undecideds are like that shithead neighbor kid (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    DSPS owl, blueoasis

    who hid his candy bar until all the other kids had finished theirs.  Then he'd eat it slowly, with smug satisfaction, while the rest of us sat there nervously hoping he'd choke on it.

  •  I think my dad is one (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Amber6541, DeminNewJ, blueoasis

    He is one of those Republicans who hates the modern Republican party.  He detests Romney and his outsourcing, tax returns, medicare issue, etc.  He doesn't like Obama either...just don't feel like I can ever quite get him to pull the lever for him as he has never voted Dem (despite agreeing with me on every issue just about, especially women's choice).  My mom says he is staying home (did last time too).  I hope they all stay home.

  •  My concern is many of these (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    DSPS owl

    people do not really BELIEVE Romney/Ryan will follow through on their most extreme positions. They just don't believe these two nice looking men would do such a thing.
    These voters either already forgot 2010 or never learned a damn thing from it.
    Once Romney/Ryan are in office, it is TOO LATE and we all will pay a very high price.

    "The past is never dead. It's not even past". Faulkner.

    by mchestnutjr on Fri Oct 19, 2012 at 07:36:30 AM PDT

    •  Word..Too many people think it couldn't happen (0+ / 0-)

      Because their delivery is so smooth. I've always said Romney is the top salesman of the car dealership. He's smooth enough to sell you a lemon and pivot afterwards by saying he never said it would run. But about 50% of the people can buy it.

      However, part of the blame still lies with the POTUS and he refusal to trumpet his policies of the last 4 years. That plus the fact that he allowed Romney to throw out all the lies in the first debate without a reaction really made people wonder if Obama was hiding something.

  •  Do these people root for Mr. Potter... (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    ...when they watch It's a Wonderful Life?

  •  Another group (0+ / 0-)

    Sounds like some people who are Republicans at heart are struggling because Obamacare benefits their family so much—but otherwise they still remain committed to their party.

    Me—I'd cross over and actually vote to keep health insurance in place for my sick child, but it would be painful to be voting against my other beliefs. At a minimum, I wouldn't vote against my child having health insurance.

  •  Civilization Will Grind To A Standstill (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    Featuring a nice little Dylan riff  ("Mandies" = Mandrax = Qualudes)

    There’s always free cheddar in a mousetrap, baby

    by bernardpliers on Fri Oct 19, 2012 at 08:22:59 AM PDT

  •  I have (0+ / 0-)

    people like this @ my job.  Not paying any attention, but if these assholes get into office, then, they sure will pay attention especially to the detriment of us all.  If they haven't decided yet, then they just need to stay home.  In my next life, I seriously don't want to be this dumb or not open-minded.

  •  Brilliant, your last sentence: (0+ / 0-)
    (With a four percent margin-of-error for undecided flakes who could not decide if they were undecided.)
    Best summation of the whole undecided as political megastars that I've seen so far.

    Chief neoconservative/fundamentalist allied belief: All things are possible if only you lie.

    by blueoasis on Fri Oct 19, 2012 at 12:13:59 PM PDT

  •  Best 2012 Election Video. R'd and Shared. (n/t) (0+ / 0-)
  •  To all the undecideds: (0+ / 0-)

    If you haven't made up your mind by now, consider yourself brain dead. Please do us all a favor. Renounce your citizenship, move out of the country, and make room for someone who cares.
    If you can't do that, then just stay home on November 6th. Having idiots like you decide this election is like playing Russian Roulette with only 1 empty chamber.

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