Last night, Bill Maher closed his show by railing against several influential right-wing pizza CEOs, and talked about the larger pattern of self-hatred among these people.
And finally, New Rule: since not even Democrats will ever stand up to Big Business, Big Banks, or Big Oil, they must at least stand up to the one industry made up of almost entirely loud right-wing jerkoffs: Big Pizza.
Now, I bring this up because this week, Pizza Hut tried to punk Tuesday's town hall debate by offering a free lifetime supply of pizza to any one of the questioners who would ask the candidates what kind of pizza they liked. That's right, a bribe of Pizza Hut for life, which if you ate that crap, wouldn't be long. A backlash forced them to withdraw the stunt, but the truth is, pizza has been all over this election like it was Chris Christie's pants.
Here's Mitt Romney at the Republican National Convention looking very un-posed serving some Tampa Bay pizza to several of his sister-wives. (audience laughter) And here's Obama this week bringing pizza to campaign volunteers. Because when you want to say, "What's the cheapest thing I can feed you that's still technically food?", nothing says it like pizza.
But my question is, what is it about being able to figure out how to get a 2,000-calorie wheel of grease to your door in 30 minutes that turns a man's politics so far to the right? Domino's, for example, was founded by Tom Monaghan, who kept up a constant crusade to fight equality for gays, evolution in schools, and wave fetuses in jars at women in front in clinics. Just like Jesus would. Oh, and guess who Tom sold Domino's to when he cashed out? Bain Capital. See the guys eating dollar bills?
That's because the other choice was Domino's Pizza. (audience laughter and applause)
Then, of course, there's Godfather's Pizza's Herman Cain, who, when he said "try my dippin' sticks", wasn't talking about the menu! (audience applause) Herman also once said, "A manly man don't want [his pizza] piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza". You want a quotable President? Hehe. Fuck you, Lincoln and Kennedy. A manly man don't want a sissy pizza. (audience applause)
And then there's the Papa John's owner, John Schnatter, who rails against Obamacare, because it might raise the cost of his shit pies 15 cents. Really? Is there anyone in America for whom an extra 15 cents on a pizza is a dealbreaker? When I order a pizza, it's late, I'm stoned, I'm out of peanut butter. He could charge 15 extra dollars, I would be helpless to object! (audience cheering and applause)
Pizza is the drunken hookup of food. You get it in a moment of weakness, and the next morning you roll over, see the box, and think, "Oh God, did I just eat Papa John last night? I'm gonna be sick."
Now this summer, Mr. Schnatter threw a fundraiser at his enormous mansion for Mitt Romney, who looked around at the private lake and the private golf course and said, "Who would've imagined pizza could build this?" But pizza didn't build that. 15,000 employees making $6 bucks an hour did. And a third of them don't have health care. And this asshole could cover them for 15 cents a pie and won't. Which is why I suggest the alternative to big pizza, and that's the neighborhood pizza guy with one store.
Remember this guy, Scott Van Duzer? (audience applause) The effusive bear-hugging Florida pizza store owner who could not contain his love for, well, everything! He's not rich, how come he's happy, and Papa John is so crabby? Shit, Papa John, you got your own golf course, why the long pizza face?
And he's just one of the long line of millionaires and billionaires who have decided to spend their golden years bitching and moaning about how they're being overtaxed and under-appreciated. Why has Sheldon Adelson — who I'm sure you all remember as the puppet in the Saw movies — why has he spent $70 million dollars to defeat Obama, when his net worth during the Obama years has increased more than any other single American. I think it's because down deep, he knows he didn't earn it. No one can earn $25 billion dollars. So it's all about the rage and self-hatred that comes from feeling your life is a fraud. Rich guys have always suffered from this. It's just that they used to deal with it by putting on a diaper and hiring a prostitute to beat them. Now they form a super PAC! (wild audience cheering and applause)