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O my fellow Kossacks, I come to YOU for the latest breaking rightwing conspiracy theories. And this time, you have failed me. I had to hear from my very own gone-to-the-dark-side nephew about the most recent brain-convoluting bovine feces story percolating in the bleak, tiny brains of the nutosphere. Come with me, below the fold, beneath the brainstem, down deep into the depths of the Debate Despair.

Obama cheated, ya see, so he could win that last debate. No WAY, screech the loser Rombots, could Barack HUSSEIN Obama sound so eloquent, so informed, so intelligent, so much DAM' SMARTER than Mittens!

Just how did our esteemed POTUS so expertly stick the shiv (okay the bayonet) into the well-coiffed Republican trying so earnestly to recite the talking points from his sophomore foreign policy briefing book?

All you have to do to untangle this commie conundrum is to google 'obama debate earpiece' -- although if you do, you will be eyestruck and dumbstruck at the sheer number of wackjobadoodles repeating the same breathless Drudgian garbage. Maybe you just better take my word for it. I've done done the dismal wading for ya. Ick. Ran out of eyewash on THAT cyber expedition. Ear ye, ear ye!

Yep, it's the Presidential Earpiece Affront, the PEA theory of how an ignorant, uppity semi-brown usurper of the Oval Office managed to kick Mitt Romney's arse so thoroughly and succinctly in Round Three of the 2012 Presidential Debates.

I did not need confirmation that our guy took Mittens to the foreign policy woodshed. Not even half a brain is required to see that debate drubbing for what it was. But even the less-than-half-brains could not stomach what their lying eyes (and ears) told them Monday night, so now photos of Obama and his ear canal are all over the now-waxy Internet - I know, you think I'm not serious, but seriously, 'tis truth.

And I'd love to continue to wax incredulous and snarky, but my bossier half says 'tis time to take our toddler in for his FIRST-EVER professional haircut. Because he is both brighter and cuter than the Rombots, and he is going to be a ring-bearer this weekend! At age 2! With his ears cleaned out and his gorgeous eyes wide open!

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