Republicans taught me a lot during this election season. I’ve learned that my race should dictate my action. I’ve learned that the legitimacy of action can alter hormonal balances in mystical ways. And I’ve learned that no matter how horrible something is, I can thank God for it.
In fact, race, legitimacy, hormones, and God are so determinative of my action, you could say I have no choice.
As a pro-choice Democrat, this is a difficult concept to swallow.
So, after careful reflection on these Republican teachings, it looks like I'm compelled to vote for Mitt Romney.
Let’s look at how it all stacks up.
John Sununu taught me that race matters. He taught me that race
shapes compels one's actions. Why else would an upstanding military man like Colin Powell endorse President Obama? Damn it Piers, you've got to stand with a candidate for President who is your "own race."
When I read about Sununu’s statement, the 2008 Obama voter in me cringed. While Mitt and I may share a shade of complexion on the color wheel (except when appearing on Univision), we don't really have any political values in common. If race is my electoral destiny, then it stands to reason I’ve got to vote for Mitt.
However, I'm not sure I can control my gag reflex and pull the lever for Romney. But Republicans teachings have an answer for this, too.
This is where legitimacy and hormones come into play. Todd Akin taught us that the perceived legitimacy of rape can trigger a woman’s body to shut down a pregnancy from happening. If legitimacy is strong enough to stop a pregnancy, then it’s got to be strong enough to stop a vote for Obama, right?
Although I'm intellectually inclined to vote for Obama, the fact is I’m white - legitimately so.
(At least I think it's legitimate. My parents were married when I was born - just not so much married when I was conceived. But, hey, legitimacy starts at the wedding reception, not conception, right?)
And not only am I legitimately white, but as the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition affirms on an annual basis, I have raging hormones.
So it must stand to reason that, by virtue of my legitimate whiteness, my body will shut down that whole voting-for-Obama-thing from happening. My whiteness will overcome all thought and reason and cause me to fight through the tears and vote for Romney.
As you can imagine, the mere thought of voting for Romney rocks my world. I’m left wondering, ‘How can such a horrible thing happen to me? Why, Lord, why is this happening?’
And then a funny thing happened. The Lord spoke to me.
Well, not directly to me. He spoke to Richard Mourdock first. Richard then spoke to an audience watching the Indiana US Senate debate while cameras were rolling.
And from those cameras, Mourdock's words were beamed to all corners of the nation to news outlets which rebroadcast what Mourdock said. And those words were recorded by my TiVo, allowing me to learn my next Republican teaching after getting home from work, eating dinner, and putting the kids to bed.
Although the Lord, it seems, moves in technologically mysterious ways, I heard him loud and clear.
What Mourdock taught me was that even when a "horrible situation" occurs, "that's something God intended to happen."
There it is. My race tells me I should vote for Romney. My legitimate whiteness triggers hormonal surges that stop me from voting for Obama. And God is evidently showing me that a Romney vote is what He wants.
My vote for Romney is inevitable.
But, I can't help but feel a little perplexed. After all, none of this stopped me from voting for Obama in 2008. John McCain is white like me, and I didn't vote for him. How can I reconcile this with my Republican teachings? How did I resist both the divine and the biological reasons to vote for McCain? And does this mean there’s a way that I don’t have to vote for Romney this year?
In times like these, maybe turning to a half-term ex-Governor can reveal the truth.
And then it hits me. Refudiate!
Just as she asked Obama to embrace being "half-white" and "refudiate" the NAACP, I could embrace Obama's half-whiteness and vote for him instead of Romney. But how?
If race is supposed to dictate my vote, to indicate what is right, then how do I handle voting for a candidate who is half-black and half-white? How can I determine exactly how to vote? His whiteness should draw me in, but wouldn’t his blackness simultaneously push me away?
Maybe God is sending me a sign of his intention, in the form of a half-term Governor talking about a half-white President. Maybe the answer is... half.
And then the answer strikes me with the full force of one of the Fundamental Theorems of Kindergarten: Two wrongs don’t make a right.
Two wrongs don't make a right can be restated this in mathematical terms.Aha! I have threaded the needle. By voting for a half-white candidate, a fully legitimate white person like myself can be half-right (in convoluted Republican terms), and, therefore not be wrong!
2 x Wrong <> Right
To isolate what is wrong, we divide both sides by 2 and get:
Wrong <> 1/2 Right
And the truth is revealed. If you are half-right, you can't be wrong!
God’s intention is fully revealed. After rigorously applying these Republican teaching, my lack of choice is clear.
On a serious note, the GOP war on women is real. Their statements are no laughing matter. Please consider donating time or money to:
The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network