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Wed Nov 7, 2012
For immediate release.

Eric Fehrnstrom, formerly Senior Adviser to the Mitt Romney 2012 campaign, issued a statement today that Mitt Romney has retired from national politics, and that this retirement is retroactive back to January 3, 2007. Mitt Romney has never run for president of the United States. Fehrnstrom did not specify what Mitt Romney instead did during those years.

Several anonymous campaign staffers and advisers of the campaign formerly known as the Romney 2012 campaign (which never existed) have voiced concerns that this will leave a big gap on their resumes.  Sen Kelly Ayotte and former MN Governor Tim Pawlenty spent most of 2012 working on a new ultrasound device which does not have to touch icky lady parts, but which is promised to be a lot more unpleasant than both those who do have to touch said parts and regular transabdominal ultrasound. Patent pending.

Donald Trump did not make an endorsement in 2012. He did, however, make a lot of money, a lot of reality TV shows, a lot of clothing that you can buy at Macy's (made in China, which we need to be tough on), and he made the president come up with a suspicious looking long-form birth certificate. He also made contributions to the first-time unemployment numbers by firing people. He gets a lot of credit for all of those things from the only person who really matters: Donald Trump.

Rafalca Romney (which has one of the least absurd names in the Romney family) apparently still competed in the 2012 Olympic Games.

Former Congressman Paul Ryan spent most of 2012 in the gym. He is rumored to have landed a position on Fox News, where he will Skype in from his home to talk about the importance of diversifying your privatized social security portfolio to include not only guns, but also gold.

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