According to Everybody's Pal, Nate Silver, there is currently an
83.7 85.1 percent chance that nothing in this diary will ever be true.
Which is why it's worth posting, now ... it's not funny without just that little hint of menace, which will be gone in a few days.
I originally wrote this about ten days ago, before Sandy. A friend said to me, "That's hilarious. AND you're freaking me out."
So ... have fun. Don't freak out. And vote if you haven't.
President Romney: Chronology of The First 90 Days
Jan 21, 2013: President, as promised during campaign, brands China as a “currency manipulator,” pledges unspecified actions to “put them in their place.”
Jan. 22: China offers $1 trillion in U.S. government securities for sale “to highest bidder.” Moody’s lowers U.S. bond rating to junk status. Romney vows “never to back down.”
Jan. 23: President Romney claims victory in trade war as China pulls sale of U.S. Treasury notes from world markets. In a separate event later in the day, the president denounced the “pirate government of weasels” in Taiwan and said the U.S. “would not and never did” support the island nation militarily.
Feb. 1: Department of Labor Secretary Scott Walker announces unemployment rate dropped 100 percent in January to under 4 percent. Administration vows investigation of leaks saying otherwise. Romney urges increases in interest rates in face of inflation fears.
Feb. 6: Romney says U.S. will close border between Iran and Syria as part of broader sanctions. Iraq, Turkey protest geographical impossibility.
Feb. 24: President announces plan to double the size of the U.S. Navy with innovative “Cash for Clunker Yachts” program. Used yachts will be reconditioned and deployed “wherever bad guys can be found.” Also, all army personnel will be issued bayonets.
March 15: Offshore drilling rigs reclassified as islands by the Department of the Interior. Exxon-Mobil invited to join union as 51st state. Former corporation declines, petitions U.N. for membership instead.
March 29: School bullying decriminalized under federal “Let Boys Be Boys” Act.
April 12: By executive order, health-care providers are now required to cover roofies and similar pharmaceuticals that “facilitate procreation.”
April 20: President announces plan to sell off all “non-producing assets” of the U.S. government. A consortium of energy companies purchases the National Parks system for $50 billion, most of which is deductible from corporate tax bills. Norway offers $1 for the Department of Education, which will be moved to Oslo.
(Editor's Note:With apologies to Norway.) By Jeff Schult