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The Obama inspired Caliphate notwithstanding, I’m here to urge you, in the spirit of “just say no,” to look at your political glass as fully half-full, your present as truly not lost, and your future as bright (though possibly solar-powered) and assured.

Okay, your guy lost. Didn’t Anne Coulter tell you he would lose? Are you really surprised? Let me get this straight, in the aftermath of the greatest economic collapse since the Great Depression (never mind for a second that Republicans were the brains behind both collapses) your Party threw its support behind a Wall Street plutocrat with offshore bank accounts and an unrepressed desire to fire people. A man frequently referred to as a “Vulture Capitalist” (not to be confused with a bird of paradise) by his fellow Republican Presidential hopefuls. Good thinking. Nice choice.

I feel your pain. The Obama inspired Caliphate notwithstanding, I’m here to urge you, in the spirit of “just say no,” to look at your political glass as fully half-full, your present as truly not lost, and your future as bright (though possibly solar-powered) and assured. Here, I’ll prove it.

Go down to your church, assuming it’s still standing after the Democratic Party’s “war on religion,” and get down on your knees (don’t worry, it’s still legal). Go today. Go tomorrow, and have at it. Pray as long and hard as you want. Nobody, not even America-hating Reverend Wright himself can stop you!

I may be wrong about this, but if you’re a Republican gal you’ll probably not be forced to have an abortion any time soon. In fact, you’ll still be able to birth as many babies as you please. And isn’t it comforting to know that all of those babies will be covered for pre-existing conditions, and can remain on your health insurance policy until their 26th birthday. I know, your uncle will probably call you a socialist, but isn’t that a small price to pay for all that baby goodness? Say it loud, say it proud – “Obamacare is my healthcare too!”

Quickly now (there may be some urgency to this), go down into your basement or garage or love nest open that hidden closet, and make sure your guns are still intact, and have not been requisitioned for operation “Fast and Furious.” Remove your trigger locks (you locked them – right?) go on outside, and treat yourself to a little “Ted Nugent Time.” Squeeze off a few rounds. It’s starting to feel way better now isn’t it?

Taxes, I know, I know. A few of you will pay more. But be honest, how many of you will actually slip into that $250K plus zone? I mean that’s $250K after deductions (i.e. the deductions that Romney was going to get rid of but wouldn’t tell you about), which means as a couple you’d have to gross something like $300K before you paid one cent more in taxes. But let’s say you do wind up having to pay that job-creator punishing, Obama tax on a net of $300K. The tax rate on your first $250K doesn’t change one bit, and the rate on the remaining $50K goes from 35% to 39%, which means you’ll pay an extra $2,000 in taxes on a net income of $300K. I know it’s rough. I know you’re not rich. But if you’re not rich at $300K how would you describe all of those people earning the household median income of roughly $50K – at 1/6th your income, does that make them poor?

You’re still not convinced are you? That closet Muslim in the White House who wasn’t even born here, was a flunky in college, was to blame for four deaths in Benghazi but not commended for freeing Libya with no military deaths and little expenditure, who is secretly shipping all of those auto jobs he saved to China has something up his sleeve doesn’t he? It’s food stamps, isn’t it? The “Food Stamp President” is out of control creating a culture of dependence.

All right, you got me. Despite the fact that three million jobs were lost in the 12 months before Obama (aka “that one”) took office, and several million more jobs were lost in his first few months on the job (ignoring the fact that unemployment numbers are a lagging economic indicator and not the result of his policies), and the fact that all of those unemployed workers were suddenly in need (in a severely crashed economy) of unemployment benefits (that would add to the deficit now wouldn’t it) in addition to, yes, food stamps……you may have a point.

Whatever one’s political affiliation, however, we all can be grateful that Obama’s election success did bring with it several timely and under-appreciated benefits namely, the resurrection of Etch-A-Sketch as a cool Christmas toy, and the sudden availability in bargain-bins across America of surplus vaginal probes.

All’s well that truly ends well.

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