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KAMPALA, UGANDA — The East African nation of Uganda is no stranger to hardship, but nothing could have prepared the country for its most recent catastrophe: Gaybola.

Reported cases of the virus have been on the rise since the country's political and economic climates tragically began to stabilize in the 1990s.

Areas with a high concentration of Gaybola are typically marked by an alarming rise in property values, and those affected are often clearly identifiable by an interest in fusion cuisine, home restoration, and organically-grown fair trade coffee.

Since 2009, local groups have cautioned Ugandans against the consumption of gay bush meat, as it remains a primary means of transmission.

This year, the country experienced an outbreak in the capital city of Kampala with a terrifying 12% increase in the arts, prompting lawmakers to finally pass the controversial Anti-Homosexuality Bill.

Despite international condemnation, proponents of the legislation like Exodus International and Abiding Truth Ministries argue that failing to act now could result in a Gaybola pandemic worldwide.

While the bill would mean death for many, even its staunchest supporters like Pastor Martin Ssempa would like to see more compassion on the state's part.

"In delicate matters like genocide," said the former Rick Warren affiliate, "it becomes increasingly imperative to look inward ask ourselves what Our Lord Jesus Christ would do."

The bill will pass before the end of the year, which some religious groups are already heralding as "a Christmas gift."

But only time will tell the outcome of this chapter in Uganda's history, as both proponents and opponents alike wait to discover if their Christmas stockings will ever surprise them with organically-grown fair trade coffee again.

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