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It's gotta be tough out there for a Republican right now. You've just lost the 2012 election in humiliating fashion.  Patraeus had to step down and the majority of your Job Creators are threatening to go Galt.  

But on the bright side today is Papa John's Appreciation Day.  It's a day to celebrate.  A day to rejoice.  A day to express your displeasure with the government through gluttony.  It's kinda like the angry person's Woodstock minus the peace, love and fantastic music.  And it doesn't have to stop there.  No, you just keep on riding those rotten vibrations conservatives.  All you gotta do is close your mind, follow this menu and eliminate any and all forms of critical thinking. The less mental energy you have to waste on nourishment, the more you can devote to helping McCain uncover the truth about Benghazi.  

I suppose it's a different world nowadays.  Personally I've never really needed any extra motivation to eat. I usually eat because I'm hungry. Occasionally I've eaten food out of curiosity. Sometimes I eat because of boredom or just plain routine.  

But I can never recall eating something out of spite.  I've never eaten something because of hate.  By the way, when did the mere eating of shit food become a political statement?  We've got people holing up in greasy fast food joints belting out "God Bless America" believing that that's the truest expression of patriotism possible.

But I digress.  In an effort to make it easier for our conservative friends, here goes a detailed menu that truly takes the thinking out of meal time.  Rest assured, teabagger, nothing that follows has been approved or regulated by any sort of government agency.



Breakfast: A bowl full of hate.
Lunch: Some shitty chicken sandwich courtesy of Chick-Fil-A.
Dinner: A bigot burger from Carl's Jr.
It's important to start the day off right, and what better way to start your day than with a bowl full of blinding, irrational hate?  And being that it's Monday you've got to set the tempo with a strong statement of hate and bigotry.  It's for this reason that I recommend the conservative fuel up on some good ol' fashioned anti-gay food.  Food so heterosexual it's never even considered civil unions let alone gay marriage.


Breakfast: Two bowls full of hate (after all, we all remember what happened last Tuesday).
Lunch: Three waffles from the Waffle House.
Dinner: Go to Whole Foods because you heard the owner was a libertarian.
Tuesday is more of a celebration of fiscal conservativism as well as a reminder that had Ron Paul received the nomination Obama would have been soundly defeated.  Eat at Waffle House because they gave Karl Rove's Crossroads $100,000 and as we all witnessed that was money well spent.  Unfortunately my recommendation for dinner was rough because upon entering Whole Foods your body had an allergic reaction to being in such close proximity to all that healthy food that it just shut that whole thing down (your digestive system that is).


Breakfast: A standard two bowls of hate as well as a whole package of bacon cause dammit you're hungry from not eating any dinner the night before.
Lunch: Go to Piggly Wiggly and pick up some more bacon...also get a ham sandwich.
Dinner: Go to Applebee's and get something with pig in it.
Now Wednesday is on some two-birds-with-one-stone shit.  See you heard that Piggly Wiggly was trying to strong arm the union and while you're not clear on the details you definitely do not support labor.  Also they have 'Pig" in their title which brings us to the second most beautiful thing about Wednesday, you get to eat all the pig you want and stick it to the muslins, like Obama, who cannot.  Hump Day indeed!  


Breakfast: Only one small bowl of hate today.  You've noticed you've put on a few pounds lately and need to cut back on your caloric intake.  Hatred is fattening and it doesn't just stop at the hips.
Lunch: Wings at Hooters.
Dinner: 10 Sliders from White Castle.
Thursday is all about rebranding yourself.  It's time to brush off that ol' compassionate conservative outreach and take it for a spin.  Republicans sorta dug themselves a women-sized hole what with that whole 'rape celebration festival' we just witnessed.  So what better place to make amends than a Hooters where if you play your cards right you too can one day work for Scott Walker.  As far as White Castle goes they donated some money to the Boehner-linked super PAC, Congressional Leadership Fund.  Since the GOP needs to step their game up when it comes to courting brown people, Boehner's a safe and logical first step.


Breakfast: Back to two bowls of hate, also a delicious red apple.
Lunch: Hit up Papa John's.
Dinner: This time order 4 pizzas from Papa John's and when the delivery comes tip the driver with your two cents.  No more is needed.
Friday is Papa John's Appreciation Day so let's make sure we show CEO John Schnatter just how much we value his crap product.  As for the under/uninsured workers who will have their hours cut because their greedy asshole boss can't possibly absorb the additional 14 cents per pizza, fuck 'em right?


Breakfast: Two bowls of hate with some organic milk.  Osteopenia's a bitch.
Lunch: Well you did order four pizzas last night lardass just eat some of that.
Dinner: It's the weekend.  Treat yourself and the missus to some fine dining.  Head on out to Olive Garden.  Get the soup, salad and breadsticks.
Now you'll need to have the wife cut those breadsticks in half because some of them can measure as long as four inches...which makes you uncomfortable.  Also make sure you order a steak cause you're no goddamn arugula-eating hippie after all.


Is a day of fasting and peaceful contemplation.
If for some reason that doesn't work for you then there's a box of hate in the pantry.
So there you go principled, TeaBaggin' Americans.  Follow these guidelines and not only will you be supporting your pet conservative cause, but also you will never succumb to that blatant liberal agenda of health and longevity.  Oh and make sure you stock up on lots of Koch Brothers produced Angel Soft toilet paper because you will be spending the majority of your day in the bathroom.
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