Da Boss upstairs wants youz guys to know dat maybe you should start payin' a little more to da Church, just in case lightning or some other fuckin' thing should happen to ya. Dat bastid Satan is always lookin' to pull some shit if you should miss a payment. We don't want to see nothin' bad happen to ya, do we, Vinnie? Nah, not at all. We'll take care of gettin' da money to da Boss - he knows and trusts us, don't you worry. What? Your place got flooded even though you paid? Well, dat's 'cuz you was bein' a bastid or somethin', I don't fuckin' know. Just pay up and maybe things will get bettuh.
What? Racketeerin'? Dat's bullshit, officeuh - we provide a valuable service to da community, and dat's why we don't pay no fuckin' taxes, 'cuz we do da Lord's work. If dey don't pay us, then God would send 'em to burn forevuh in Hell, and we don't want dat, do we, Vinnie? Nah, not at all. So we collect for Da Boss, and we use it to reward His servants (like us) wit big cars and fancy houses, and reward politicians who also do Da Boss's work. Racketeerin'? Fuhgeddaboudit! Here's dis statement my lawyuh made for me in case I got hassled by da cops:
To whom it may concern in law enforcement,Hey, officeuh, how come youz don't look happy? What, you don't like God or somethin'? Cough up da money, ya bastid. You read da note. My bitch girlfriend wants another necklace. Or, uh, God will punish you, or some shit. Heh.
These gentlemen are breaking no laws. There is no law against convincing gullible, ignorant hicks that invisible forces will torture them forever if they do not pay money to my clients, obey their orders, and blindly agree with their opinions. If they were using physical objects to threaten such torture, that would be a felony.
However, since the instruments of these terrorist threats are metaphysical, nonexistent bullshit, then it is entirely the responsibility of the
marksbelievers not to be frightened into giving their money and obedience, whereas my clients are to be exempted from taxation, given special privileges on every level of government, and officially referred to as Your Most High Eminent Reverend Holiness by any who do not wish to be sued.
My clients cannot help it if their preying on the ignorance and fear of the weak results in their becoming massively wealthy at the expense of their
victimsparishioners. They are also not responsible for any acts of physical violence, social decay, or governmental failure that result as a tangential consequence of the culture of fear and ignorance their actions breed.
By reading this letter, you signal tacit acknowledgement of these legal facts and of the fundamental, unquestionable Righteousness of the Church of the Divine Tax Shelter, and the holiness of its apostles, Tony "Ice Pick" Guatanucci and Vinnie "I Kick Da Shit Outta People Cuz It's Funny" Ionello.
You now owe the Church of the Divine Tax Shelter a $10 notice-reading fee, and have been duly served official notification of your debt by reading this. Please deliver payment to the apostles now.
Attorney at Law
High Deacon of the Church of the Divine Tax Shelter