Last night, Stephen Colbert may or may not have used his super PAC money to give to the Ham Rove Memorial Fund.
Nation, you know, as we say goodbye to 2012, I want to take a moment here to bid a fond farewell to someone we lost this year: Ham Rove. Ham was chief strategist and principal lunch meat for Colbert Super PAC. Then last month, tragedy struck when he fell repeatedly onto a knife that I was holding. Before we could get him to a doctor, he was eaten by a dog. I can't tell you how much Ham meant to me.Video below the fold.
Well, technically I could, but it's a super PAC, so legally I don't have to. Just like I don't have to tell you where the $773,704.83 of super PAC money went. I just hope and pray they're both in a better place now.
Well, that brings me to this letter I received from a group calling itself the Ham Rove Memorial Fund, which I was surprised to learn I am on the board of. Now, in the letter that I sent to me, it says that the fund was founded to honor Ham's memory with charitable gifts. And recently, the fund received an anonymous donation of $773,704.83. Now, where did that specific amount of cash come from? Well, it says it came from P.O. Box Bite Me.
Now, as a board member, I wanted that money to go to UNICEF. Unfortunately, the rest of the board found out that UNICEF is the name of my yacht.
Keep collecting those pennies, kids!
So tonight, instead, I am proud and somewhat shocked to announce that the Ham Rove Memorial Foundation will be giving $125,000 each to DonorsChoose Sandy Relief Fund, Team Rubicon's Sandy outreach, and Habitat for Humanity, which is building houses for storm victims. The fund is also giving $125,000 to the Yellow Ribbon Fund, which helps injured servicemembers and their families.
The remainder of the money, as per Ham Rove's wishes, will be split between the Center for Responsive Politics and the Campaign Legal Center. Now, you might wonder why Ham Rove, the brains and other organ meats behind my super PAC, would donate to groups fighting for campaign finance reform.
Well, there are some strings attached. Ham stipulated the two groups get the money only if they named the conference room at the Center for Responsive Politics the "Colbert Super PAC Memorial Conference Room".
And, in the Campaign Legal Center, they will now hold their meetings in the "Ham Rove Memorial Conference Room".
And folks, just think. As the tidal wave of money continues to engulf politics, and these advocates for transparency are moaning about how powerless they are to stop it, little Ham here will be up on that wall watching the whole thing unfold with relish. And, maybe a little Dijon.
But alas, it is time to say goodbye to our hero. But don't be sad, Nation. There will always be a little bit of Ham Rove in our hearts, and also around our hearts. We'll be right back.