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I’ll jump on the bandwagon just so I can steer it off the nearest cliff.

Life is about perspective. For example. The lobsters in the kitchen of the Titanic were ecstatic when it sank.

As a nation, the U.S. consumes the most hot dogs per capita. So you'd be wise to never underestimate our powers of denial.

Strive to become a leader about whom they will later say: "he meant well." and "he did the best he could."

Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn't cute.

I found $100 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy weed, Nerf guns and candy".

Who wants to find out if throwing a chainsaw in a wood chipper creates a black hole?

Damn... It looks like my days as a teen sex idol really are behind me.

In America, it's still fun and games after someone gets hurt.

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