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Like marriage and fatherhood, Twitter is one of those things I used to ridicule and now fully embrace. Here are some of the most re-tweeted along with my favorites from 8days2amish.

• Forlorn should be fourlorn so we could gauge degrees of our lornness. Ex: "I was feeling sixlorn, but became twolorn after I had a cookie."

• Shakespeare succeeded without the services of a press agent. Go ahead and check the history books. There's no such thing as Bard publicity.

• Your life will be appreciably more balanced & sane if you wake up Monday & realize your job isn't nearly as important as you think it is.

• If you’re not laughing or crying you’re not living. Or else you’re working, in school, in a doctor’s waiting room, getting tires rotated ...

• Fashion experts who work to ensure ample bosoms fit snugly in brassieres are rack-contours.

• It is my contention that religious harmony will prevail throughout the world if only Islamabad changes its name to Islamagood.

• Foolish mortals! You think you can tell time. Time tells you!

• In honor of the annual Super Bowl nonsense about to swamp us all, my phone number in Roman Numerals is DCCXXIV CMLXI MMDLVIII. Call me!

• When Yosemite Sam says, "Say your prayers, rrrrrabbit!" does Bugs Bunny pray to the same God as you and I? Or is He animated and voiced by Mel Blanc?

• Does it make me liberal or conservative if Jimmy cracks corn and I don't care?

• Parenting advice from Elton John I consider sound enough to follow: Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids.

• The day chickens start laying Cadbury eggs is the day I become a chicken farmer.

• Airing anti-depressant drug ads during a Three Stooges marathon seems like a gross misapplication of marketing funds.

• Romantic trees can never be accused of being "too sappy."

• Very productive morning. I killed so many birds with so few stones I'm expecting PETA to protest.

• Really popular all-you-can-eat buffets are places where the crowd never thins.

• Rick Santorum's kids stare at him the way the apostles must have stared at Jesus after he told a really great joke.

• Anyone know if the Doomsday Clock has a snooze alarm?

• If Flex Seal works as well on underarms as it does on screendoor boats I'll never need Right Guard again!

• I understand basic physics, but I defy even Sir Isaac Newton to explain why the Coyote always without fail falls faster than the anvil.

• Soon, "dodged a bullet" won't be a quaint phrase about evading a challenge, it'll be the answer to the question, "So, what'd you do today?"

• Anyone care to guess the identity of the favorite Stooge the girl Billy Idol sings about in "Rebel Yell?" That's right. It's "Moe! Moe! Moe!”

• Has the straight to-the point pick-up line "Hello I love you. Will you tell me your name?" ever worked for anyone besides Jim Morrison?

• Does anyone else wonder if all the other kids made fun of him because Jeremiah was a bullfrog?

• I've lived a long time but I've never known anyone who when they were young & their heart was an open book used to say live & let live.

• Lyme Disease leaves victims chronically fatigued. Lemon Lyme Disease leaves victims chronically fatigued sourpusses.

• Now that Anderson Cooper's admitted he's gay, maybe Donald Trump will be encouraged to step forward and finally admit he's an ass.

• How come a single camera lens isn't properly referred to as a camera len?

• The word "astute" doesn't sound like it should convey wisdom. It sounds like it should convey flatulence.

• Instamacy is the mutual attraction so powerful it causes consenting adults to leap into bed moments after first locking eyes.

• Despite the obvious mathematical inconsistencies, a game of 8 Ball played between two naked men is still called 8 Ball.

• Artistic people often settle disputes by drawing straws.

• Starry-eyed singles who date someone proficient in detonating pyrotechnics are apt to go out with a bang.

• If I limited my conversations to only intelligent people, mine would be a very lonely existence and I’d have to quit talking to even myself

• People who say not owning a computer is old school are wrong. Today, even all the old schools have computers.

• I'm sure he was a perfectly competent carpenter, but I think Jesus missed his calling. He’d have been one hell of a bartender.

• Asked daughter, 6, if she'd had anything healthy to eat today. She said her gum was strawberry. I surrendered to her logic.

• Too many people who bury the hatchet immediately start trying to remember where they put the shovel.

• Shrewd fortune tellers probably greet every new customer with, “I've been expecting you.”

• Never make the mistake of sipping life. Sip wine. Gulp life.

• John Doe is a pseudonym for someone lost and unidentifiable, often for medical reasons. Someone who's lost and just stupid is a John D'oh!

• I’ve cut my nose off so many times to spite my face it’s become physically impossible for me to stop and smell the roses.

• A single splash of water killed the Wicked Witch of the West. Logical conclusion: Not only was she evil, she also reeked.

• If Three Dog Night had performed before Caesar they would have been called Tres Canis Nox.

• I wish Apple would cease making new iPhones and instead develop an engine that runs on all the iPhones they’ve snookered us into discarding.

• It'd be neat if our sneezes revealed our personalities. Cheerful people would sneeze confetti; sweet people jelly beans; politicians, crap.

• Chefs with rashes are the best at cooking from scratch.

• “Live and learn” is a popular phrase with no practical application. Most people live and stay stupid.

• Runways among our most illogical words. Planes never run on runways. If we named them after what happens most on them they'd be waitways.

• Can't prove it, but I'll wager Superman was the first person to ever say, "I see London, I see France ..."

• The problem with most people isn’t just that they have their heads up their asses. The problem is how many can’t stop admiring the view.

• That which does not kill me usually leaves me with one whopper of a hangover.

• Let's find homeless Happy Days star Erin Moran work. How about an antiquing show? "Joannie Loves Tchotchke!”

• Some fathers are guilty of helicopter parenting. I'm a sidecar parent, just along for the ride.

• Does the god in peanut heaven look like that dapper monocled gent on the Planter’s jars? I call him Shelly.

• We name our dogs Rover, Snickers, Socks and a plethora of other colorful handles. But you'll never meet a cricket that isn't named Jiminy.

• The DeVito-Pearlman breakup involves the separation of the two smallest bodies since the splitting of the atom.

• In the future we will live in smart structures that will shrewdly detect energy needs, flaws, security, etc. They will be Sherlock Homes.

• If it's true that impairment begins with the first drink then I've been impaired since 1978.

• I keep thinking solar plexus is some kind of exciting new green energy, but something in my gut tells me it isn't.

• Vanity plastic surgery will become so prevalent men will flock to a store called "Dicks" and they won't be there for sporting goods.

• I woke up to a nightmare last evening. I was in a raft on a stream called Creativity Creek and couldn’t conjure an imaginary paddle.

• I’ve spent nearly my whole life in one or the other and still can't distinguish between bar, tavern, pub or saloon. More study required.

• How come the only thing anyone ever battens down are hatches? Battening sounds fun. I’m going to try and batten down the dog.

• Any outdoor roadside advertising that features spurious claims should be called a bullboard.

• Cialis ad saying to contact doc if erection lasts more than 4 hours has me sadly wondering if my life's erections have totaled 4 hours.

• Once they teach you to strike while the iron is hot, is there anything left to blacksmith school? Student loans must be miniscule.

• My faith in humanity is always restored anytime I see someone get out of a handicap space with a cane. Me, I always fake a little limp.

• Families are God’s way of reminding us we humans are incapable of helping even the ones we love most.

• Election makes Nov. 8 feel like a liberal holiday. I'm going to celebrate by saying a prayer to Allah, smoking some medical marijuana and kissing a man.

• Mick Jagger's 40-yr-old love letters up for auction. I'd like to see Keith buy them, get shitfaced and host a dramatic reading.

• Aggressive stationary sales people are always pushing the envelope.

• Quick! Anyone recall the name of Viggo Mortensen movie where he's an ex-hoodlum who owns a small town diner and takes up fiddle? "History of Violins?"

• Any truth to the rumor Yoko Ono is licensing a John Lennon app aimed at cleaning up grammatical clutter? #InstantComma

• The 2nd most famous elevator company behind Otis is Schindler. Yes, there's a Schindler's Lift.

• Sentence sinking writers who terrorize readers with reckless and unnecessary punctuation are commakazis.

• Giddy scientists at Hadron SuperCollider claim to have created a new type of matter. I predict it will become known as the Doesn't Matter.

• Just once I'd like to hear news reports of a man being slain by a blunt instrument and learn the weapon was a tuba.

• One advantage of writing book on being colorful: I could rob a bank in Speedo & people would say, "Ah, Rodell's just being colorful again." This I plan on exploiting.

• True dreamers fly kites with no strings attached.

Happy New Year!

www.EightDaysToAmish.com

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