Really. Let's do this. I just need two life size stuffed dolls that are anatomically correct and foreskin intact. We'll dress one like Joseph Smith and the other like Brigham Young. We'll throw a media event with hundreds of women in period clothing to play the parts of their many wives. We'll bring in a moyel and do the whole ceremony of the bris. When we are done, Joey and Brigham can be Jews in the afterlife whilst they play god on their own planets, impregnating their thousands of magic fununderwear wearing wives to create new souls.
This is a letter to the editor I wrote 10 years ago that was published by the Salt Lake Tribune. I can't believe these Mormon assholes are still doing this. I am a devout foe of all dogma and religion but I respect everyone's right believe whatever nonsense they choose to believe. This is wrong on so many levels. We need to act.
Arrogant Hubris
As a member of that particular ancient tribe who popularized monotheism and then pioneered the concept of "chosen people," I am outraged by the revelation that the Mormon church posthumously baptized prominent Jews and victims of the Holocaust, even after the practice was first denounced in 1995. To those who are responsible for this outrageousness, I just gotta ask: Oh my heck, what is wrong with you people? It is one thing to devote yourself to your dogma, it is quite another to try to inflict it upon those who have no choice in the matter.
Furthermore, are you folks completely irony impaired? Do you even know why Joseph Smith was killed by an angry mob? Should I gather a minyon and a moy'l, exhume poor old Joe's bones and perform a symbolic excising of his foreskin so he can be Jewish?
The 6 million Jews who perished in Hitler's genocide died tragically, horrifically, and courageously because of their Judaism. You defile their sacrifice with your self-serving narischkeit (that's "foolishness" for you gentiles in the audience).
This incident adduces a depth of egomaniacal self-importance that ought to shame all Mormons, but I'm pretty sure that it won't -- such imperious behavior can only go hand-in-hand with a dearth of humility.
Listen up and listen up well, Nouveau Chosen People: I can guarantee you as surely as you believe in your travel plans to Kolob that the biggest obstacle on the path to God is the arrogant and unyielding belief that there is but one route and that yours is the only map.
JDG
Park City, UT