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It's impossible to describe the nausea that civilized Galactic godminds have for primitive individualized cultures like yours.  Your pathological egotism and small-mindedness have as it were, a stink that offends us all.  Wonder why we've never come to visit your crapass little planet?  Take a look in a mirror.  We've got better things to do.  For the next ten million years or so.  While you grow up.

A few words of advice: first, get rid of your males.  Every civilization gets to the point where they entirely dispense with this archaic gender that causes most social problems.  That's right, all Galactic citizens are female.  Get over it.  Welcome to your distant future.  You've already got the technical solutions to make it happen, and your violent crime stats should be telling you loud and clear that it needs to happen.  A gender-specific engineered virus ought to do the trick.

Second, hurry up and straighten out your physics theories.  You have the most hilarious, convoluted ideas about physical reality.  Your so-called "string theory" is a comedy hit with some of our wavelengths... er, channels... well you don't really have a word or even a concept for godmind-microspectral-attention-quanta... never mind.  Focus on electrogeometry, everything else will follow so easily.  Haven't discovered it yet?   Just solve your "Maxwell's equations" for x, y, and z, and you're almost there.

So let's see, once you're unigendered and you've got basic physics down, you'll have a peaceful society with permanent, sustainable solutions to most material problems.  When we think you're ready we'll arrange for some unsuspecting nanochip engineer to "discover" level 1 of the galactic quantum network.  There's something like Wikipedia on it, and a bunch of tutorials.  That will keep you busy for a good million years or so.

Then we grant you formal recognition in your home starsystem.  And startitle.  The single most valuable asset your race will ever receive--transferable ownership rights to your own sun.  It's very important later in various complex cultural negotiations and... gaming.

Then you'll be ready to tackle the next 511 netlevels. Sorry, it took 9 billion years to produce all that material, and it's just going to take you a while to assimilate it.  When you do, we'll finally introduce ourselves personally so to speak.  See ya then...

Originally posted to Autonomeritus on Thu Jan 10, 2013 at 01:47 AM PST.

Also republished by Thursday Worst Diary Competition.

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