So, um, there weren't really any segments from last night's shows worth transcribing.
So... um, videos below the fold.
Jon started off by covering the Lance Armstrong doping scandal with Aasif Mandvi. Stephen also opened with the scandal.
He then looked at how Clarence Thomas spoke
on the Court for the first time in years.
Stephen looked at how a monkey
was wreaking havoc on the residents of Tampa.
He then looked at a new innovation of... a coffin speaker system
so you can play music for your dead relatives. This is a thing now.
Jon talked with CBS's Bob Schieffer
, and Stephen talked with UCLA professor Jared Diamond