Skip to main content

Part of the problem with dealing with the loss of a loved one is the constant feeling of “if only I had.” The feeling of guilt that there was something you should have done that would have changed everything and that person would still be alive.

 photo TGRlogo2.jpg

A special welcome to anyone who is new to The Grieving Room.  We meet every Monday evening.  Whether your loss is recent or many years ago, whether you have lost a person or a pet, or even if the person you are "mourning" is still alive ("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time) you can come to this diary and process your grieving in whatever way works for you.  Share whatever you need to share.  We can't solve each other's problems, but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.

My mind keeps going over that I should have known something was wrong with my brother Mike. He had urged me to come down here to be near his daughter and grandchildren and he was going to join us here. I keep thinking I should have picked up on clues that something was wrong. That he needed me up there. The fact he kept postponing me coming back up should have told me something was wrong.

The reality is that I couldn’t have known how bad things were. Mike was good at lying and keeping things from people. He would never admit that there was a problem and he needed help. I had no way of knowing he was drinking heavily because he hid it from the family. The people who knew him saw there was a problem but they were too busy bleeding him dry of money to let me know something was wrong. I would have come up and put a stop to it. I would have gotten him into the Veteran’s healthcare system and AA.

My family and friends told me that I did everything I could. I was a good sister to him. My head knows I couldn’t save him but my heart aches because he isn’t here. There was an episode of one of my favorite shows Doctor Who where one of the characters said that “If” was the biggest word in the universe. If I had known I might have been able to do something. If Mike had told me that he needed me up there I could have come and stayed with him and gotten the house ready to sell and him down here. If. If only it didn’t hurt so much.

You can find previous diaries for the Grieving Room here.

Originally posted to The Grieving Room on Mon Feb 04, 2013 at 05:00 PM PST.

Also republished by Kossacks helping each other.

Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags


More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site