Wayne Lapierre is the now-well-known (some would say ‘infamous’) CEO of the national Rifle Makers Association (NRMA or ‘inner-ma). He has been the frontman for the NRMA’s response to the horrendous mass killing of children in a school in Connecticut 12.14.2012. This shooting tragedy has galvanized opponents of America’s too-loose policies on ‘gun control; this has, in turn galvanized those who feel that more guns is the answer to too many shootings.
Wayne’s choices of how to wade into the issue and manage it have drawn criticism, to say the least. Listening to Wayne and a host of others he has had with him as supporters of doing EXACTLY NOTHING one would get the impression Americans are at risk of some major gunbattle several times a week.
Which has prompted me to muse… I wonder what a ‘normal day’ with Wayne would be like, given the apoplectic presentation for which he is now known……
0530 hrs Alarm clock goes off – sounds like AK-47 with highly polished rails.
0545 hrs Quick scan of cameras in and out of the house, searching for movement or
unfriendlies; Neighbor’s dog has pooped on newspaper. Again
0600 hrs Wayne slips into the bathroom for a shower, stealthy as a ninja. Pushes
shower curtain back roughly, points Glock 45 into empty tub space for a
moment, then relaxes. Turns on water. Secures gun in waterproof shower
0625 hrs Shower done. Even 25 minutes of showering can’t clean the metaphorical
dirt off him. He is saved from embarrassment by being so out of touch with
0645 hrs Gun battle in kitchen for control of toaster oven and “hot pockets’. Smaller
people in the kitchen seem to remind him of his kids. Lo and behold, they
0730 hrs Tries out new remote car starter; car starts, no bomb attached to it today.
Off to work.
0800 hrs Spends bulk of morning planning outrageous comments, reviewing them to
make sure they contain no nuance or sensitivity to the needs of anybody
but NRMA concerns. And the guns. Won't somebody PLEASE, think about
1130 hrs Gun battle for control of remaining toilet stall. Scans for ‘freaks with a wide
1200 hrs Tries out remote car starter again: still no bomb. Off to lunch. "Chik-fil-a"
1300 hrs Meeting with American Academy of Sciences, explains how AR-15 is an
artifact of human evolution, essential for continuation of our species as well
as our dominance over the Universe. Manages completely straight face.
1430 hrs Remote start. Still no bomb on car. Maybe people don't hate me as much as
the liberal media says.
1500 hrs Gun battle at 4-way stop sign. "Others oppressed me by taking my turn I
was clearly there first.
1530 hrs Sudden trip home to 'police the area' and 'get the drop on some bad guys".
No bad guys seen at property. Plays with remote starter.
1620 hrs Fires one up. No...not a doobie, an AR-15. Very satisfying.
1700 hrs Logs off from work, drives home. No gunplay for almost 60 minutes.
Becomes suspicious, takes different route home.
1730 hrs He and wife greet each other, play some quick-draw with their Glocks and
giggle. Small talk about work and the constant danger of life in the USA.
1900 hrs runs to back room thinking he heard "5 or 6 heavily-armed mercenaries'
breaking into his house. Wife advised is the was pipes that she has been
reminding him to get repaired since the LAST time he thought mercenaries
were breaking in....and shot up the room. Sheepish look. Retains grip on
2100 hrs Fires wildly out the back door "just in case" the mercenaries are real, despite
all the evidence to the contrary.
2130 hrs Prepares to turn in for the night: Opens gun safe, loads a variety of
handguns and rifles, lays them around the house. "You can't be too careful"