From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Thanks to the miracle of time travel (thank you, host wormhole!), we got a preview of tonight's State of the Union address. Please rise:
"Mister Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and my fellow Americans, I come before you tonight to report that the state of our union is..."It's mostly smooth sailing from there.
"Liar!"…"Socialist!"…"Who asked you?!!"…"I'm bored!"…"Say it, don't spray it!"…"Your Executive Branch thugs stole my ankle flask!"…"Impeach now!"…[Honk Honk!!!]…"I hope you fail because if you fail America fails! Er, you know what I mean!"…"...still a work in progress.""I'm mooning you on behalf of JOHN GALT!"…"Pee! Poop! I said pee poop Ha Ha Ha!!!"…"Your hair is turning gray!"…"Could someone please remove the Communist infiltrators from the chamber?" ... "Tyranny!"...[Honk Honk!!!]…"Check out these knockers, baby! Whooo!" …"Can we filibuster this address? How about an anonymous hold, then?"..."Look! I'm holding up a piece of paper with rebellious words on it!"..."You said this would be in IMAX!"…"I love lamp!"..."Build the dang fence!"…"RobbleRobbleRobble!""My fellow Americans: I'm here tonight
to report that half the people
in this chamber are nuts."
P.S. The one who does nothing but honk the clown horn? Justice Thomas.
P.P.S. Joe Biden will sit next to John Boehner again. Honestly, I don’t see how Dr. Orangelove makes it through the night without at least a couple purple nurples from Uncle BFD.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Note: Thanks to exciting new nanotechnology, the pixels on your screen are also flavor crystals. When you type ORANGE and lick your screen, for example, it tastes like orange! Type COCONUT and it tastes like coconut! Just make sure you don’t have the word "bullshit" on the screen at the same time.
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Presidents' Day, President's Day and Presidents Day: 6
Days 'til the 23rd annual Rehoboth Beach Chocolate Festival in Delaware: 18
Number of State of the Unions or "annual messages" that will have been delivered (in person or submitted in writing) when Obama finishes his tonight: 224
Times Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer has missed the SOTU since he joined the court in 1994: 1
Estimated amount airline passengers paid in non-ticket-related fees in 2012: $6 billion
Number of states that still have the symbol of the confederacy on its flag: 1
Decade during which Quilted Northern issued its "splinter-free guarantee": 1930s
Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
I made a note to revisit this one from one year ago --BiPM:
Despite all the stumbling around, we Republicans have finally picked our candidate. Santorum will take the lead in the national polls. Newt is toast. Mitt’s supposed latest firewall in Arizona and Michigan will not hold up for him. Rick will be a great candidate for the general.All together now: 1…2…3… Whoops!
---Commenter vgreaser at the Michelle Malkin blog
Puppy Pic of the Day: Westminster Kennel Club picks its Best in Show tonight. Meet the new kids in the arena…
CHEERS to Mardi Gras! Nothing but decadence and gluttony today. As I understand it, if I show you my boobs you'll throw me some beads. Right? Okay then, check out these babies:
JEERS to the old, unimproved Republican party. If conservatives are trying to rebrand themselves as slightly less wackadoo than usual, they're sure off to a crappy start. Take their "new" proposed energy policy. (As in: take it to outer space and blow it up). The McClatchy headline kinda says it all: Republican energy plan calls for more drilling, nothing to rein in greenhouse gases. And goes downhill from there…
fantasy theme park
The Senate’s top Republican on energy issues, Lisa Murkowski of Alaska…wants oil leasing off the coasts of Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina and Georgia. She wants an increase in drilling on federal lands [and] the coastal plain of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and overturning the Interior Department’s plan to set aside half the National Petroleum-Reserve Alaska for wildlife, wilderness and recreation. …Ever the diplomat, Senate Energy Committee chairman Ron Wyden (D-OR) says he's "looking forward to working with Senator Murkowski." Yeah. Kinda like the way a proctologist looks forward to working with Rush Limbaugh.
Murkowski is resistant to federal regulation of fracking. … She is pushing for immediate approval of the Keystone XL Pipeline, which is opposed by environmental groups because it would tap Canadian oil sands that are higher in carbon emissions than other sources of oil.
P.S. keep your eyes peeled on this, Day 2 of the Daily Kos Keystone XL Pipeline blogathon. Watch for those diaries, rec 'em up and spread the word via social media. The planet thanks you. Well, most of the planet, anyway. We hear the molten core is a total self-absorbed ingrate.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Repeated Enthusiastically Answer Man. Aimee Picchi at MSN Money asks: Can Mountain Dew break into breakfast?
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
CHEERS to "#16." Happy birthday, Abe Lincoln, who turns 204 years
old young today. It's no surprise that he's considered by many to be our greatest president, including the 721 historians and political scientists who contributed their opinions to the book, Rating the Presidents. That's nice 'n all, but the important thing is, was he funny?
"Wrong president, son."
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"I'll take that as a yes. Pay your respects here. Tonight in his honor: Four score and twenty mixed nuts (seems appropriate while watching the State of the Union).
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
"He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met."
"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens."
CHEERS to the other birthday boy. Man, there sure was a lot of brain power released on February 12, 1809. In addition to Lincoln, today is the 204th birthday of Charles Darwin. It's also, in a shocking coincidence that will confound historians for decades, Charles Darwin Day:
[I]t celebrates the discoveries and life of Charles Darwin---the man who first described biological evolution via natural selection with scientific rigor. More generally, Darwin Day expresses gratitude for the enormous benefits that scientific knowledge, acquired through human curiosity and ingenuity, has contributed to the advancement of humanity.Meanwhile, the "Intelligent Design" crowd---which spends most of its time mocking the idea that we evolved from chimpanzees---will spend their day picking fleas out of each other's fur and flinging poo.
Five years ago in C&J: February 12, 2008
CHEERS to the last (place) man standing. Kansas Republicans rode their biblical dinosaurs to the polls Saturday and gave Mike Huckabee a resounding win over John "Bomb Bomb Bomb Iran" McCain. Comic relief was provided by Alan Keyes, who got more than twice the combined votes of Fred Thompson and Rudy Giuliani. Wow...by the time Montana and South Dakota roll around in June, he'll be firing on all one cylinder.
THEERTH to stupid human tricks. Inspired by the movie A Christmas Story, two Indianans got their tongues stuck to a flagpole. Said one of them, a fourth-grader: "I decided to try it because I thought all of the TV shows were lies, but turns out I was wrong." The other, Dan Quayle, had no comment.
And just one more…
CHEERS to America's annual family reunion. Yes indeed---once a year, our government's leaders and citizens are required to pile into the station wagon of freedom (no dog strapped to the roof, though, because only a freak would do that) and cruise to Capitol Hill to hear the head of the household deliver the equivilent of one of those multi-page "family update" letters that comes every December tucked inside a holiday card. It's President Obama's moment to define where we’ve been and where we're going and if going there involves climbing into a handbasket. Among the invited guests will be Ted "Suck On My Machine Gun" Nugent and Gabby "Yeah, Whaddya Say We Tone Down The Sucking On Your Firearms Rhetoric A Bit" Giffords and husband Mark Kelly, who have produced their first ad for Americans for Responsible Solutions:
To normal people, that ad means hope that the tide may have turned on our gun-obsessed culture. To Wayne LaPierre, it means adding two more names to the NRA's "Enemies List." Because, of course, that's the grown-up thing to do. Meanwhile, here's your SOTU drinking game: drink enough so that you're good and schnockered by the time Tea Party darling Dreamy McCreamy Marco Rubio delivers the "Republican response," but not so much that you pass out during the "Tea Party response" by Tea Party darling Rand Paul. I'll leave the official analysis of those addresses to our chocolate lab, Molly, who will deposit her feedback in a steaming pile behind the garage in the morning.
Have a State of the Uniony Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:-
If Daily Kos was to be thought of as a family, then Cheers and Jeers would be the youngest sibling: crazy, irreverent, starving for attention, but full of promise all the same.
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