Last Thursday, Stephen Colbert had some ideas on how to deal with the budget sequestration.
Folks, at midnight tonight, a ticking time bomb goes off in Washington, and for once, I am not confusing real life with an episode of Homeland. No, the horrific scenario awaiting us is sequestration. And we all know what that means. .... What does that mean?
SCOTT PELLEY (2/5/2013): On March 1st, an automatic across-the-board spending cut will hit the federal budget. ... Economists are worried that the cuts are so deep, they'll trigger a recession.
NBC NEWS (2/19/2013): It means cutting $85 billion dollars a year, half from the Pentagon, half from non-defense programs, everything from education, to national parks, to Meals on Wheels.
ALI VELSHI (2/24/2013): $1.2 trillion dollars in cuts over 10 years.
Yeah, but it won't be that bad, because there's no way America is gonna last 10 years. We got two, and it's tops.
Meanwhile, Obama's trying to scare us into responsible behavior.
BARACK OBAMA (2/23/2013): Thousands of teachers and educators will be laid off. ... Air traffic controllers and airport security will see cutbacks, which means more delays at airports across the country. ... Emergency responders ... their ability to help communities respond to, and recover from, disasters will be degraded. ... Federal prosecutors will have to close cases and let criminals go.
Don't believe him, Nation. Obama is trying to convince us the sequester is a terrible problem, when in fact, it's a terrible solution. You see, the sequester was born back in 2011 when Obama wanted to raise the debt ceiling, the amount that America can borrow to pay its bills. It's sort of like raising the credit limit on your Visa to pay off your MasterCard, if you had used your MasterCard to pay for two trillion-dollar wars. (audience applause) But listen, wait, they were worth it, because now we can use all the free miles to go to our next war.
But the Republicans would only raise the debt ceiling if the President promised later spending cuts. If those were not passed by an arbitrary date, it would automatically trigger the sequester, a doomsday scenario designed to cripple programs that both sides love. The Democrats would see damaging reductions in education, national parks, vaccination programs, food inspection, even the National Zoo. While Republicans would see cuts to everything they hold dear, like the military..........
The point is, if two sides.... (audience laughter) If the two sides failed to come to a compromise, then March 2013 would come in like a lion, and go out like a lion loose from the unguarded National Zoo.
It was a good plan, as long as one of the sides didn't forget it was a horrible plan.
REP. KEVIN McCARTHY, R-CA (2/25/2013): You know, look, we're talking about $85 billion dollars. We borrow $85 billion dollars every 28 days.
FORMER GOV. HALEY BARBOUR, R-MS (2/24/2013): The idea that it's going to hurt the economy? Well, this is about three-tenths of 1% of GDP.
REP. MIKE ROGERS, R-MI (2/24/2013): It's really only two cents on the dollar over the whole federal budget.
RUDY GIULIANI (2/22/2013): The federal government is highly inefficient, it could use a 5 or 10% cut.
That is a courageous stance by Rudy Giuliani. I mean, slashing the government by 10% would eliminate only 280,000 jobs, none of which are his.
Now, in retrospect, we should have seen this sequester failure coming. It's just like the story from the Bible:
1 Kings 3:25
KING SOLOMON: If you cannot agree whose baby this is, I shall cut it in half.
A MOTHER: Great! Half a baby! Probably less work anyway. If you get the top half — no diaper changes!
(audience applause)
But folks, I think I know why the sequester is not working. Because it doesn't affect Congress. The salaries of Senators and Representatives do not get cut. (audience boos) So, to Congress, the sequester's like a loan shark saying that if you don't pay up, he's gonna break your neighbor's legs. No skin off their nose. Oh, also, he'll be taking your neighbor's nose.
But that doesn't mean the sequester itself was a bad idea. Remember, the government that governs best is one that forces itself to either make tough decisions or suffer unimaginably horrible consequences. I believe it was Jefferson who said that. Or Jigsaw.
(audience applause)
Therefore, to prevent the next crisis, we just need a worse scenario. I say we suspend a monkey above the floor of Congress. No, an ebola monkey! Then every Senator and Congressperson gets smeared with banana meat. If they do not reach a budget deal by the deadline, the doors to Congress are locked, the rope is cut, and it is meal time in the monkey house!
(wild audience cheering and applause)
We'll be right back.
Video below the fold.
Stephen also covered
Pat Robertson's warning about possibly demonic clothing from Goodwill, and all the
Pope Benedict memorabilia being sold.
Meanwhile, Jon looked at the media firestorm over
Bob Woodward's claims he was "threatened", and how the media again decided to focus on the
ass in all of this.
Jason Jones then
investigated a cartel. A Canadian cartel. For maple syrup.
Stephen talked with Obama speechwriter
Jon Favreau, and Jon talked with
Rachel Maddow, which went long. Here's the entire unedited interview in two parts.
Part 1
Part 2