From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Big doin's tonight in the town of Byron, Maine. Seems they're havin' a vote at their annual town meeting on an ordinance requiring residents to own a gun:
When the federal invasion comes, Bruce Simmons predicts, this tiny hamlet on the far edge of nowhere will be locked, loaded and ready for Armageddon.No, there isn’t. First, if they come for you and your guns, they'll be in armored personnel carriers. (Portland has two, and us big city tyrants are, of course, itchin' to use 'em.) And second, NO ONE'S COMING AFTER YOUR EFFING GUNS!!!
"It could happen tomorrow," Simmons warned Friday, his .40-caliber pistol (complete with 15-round magazine) at the ready. "You say the little town of Byron doesn't have a problem in the world? Well, if they come after my guns, there's going to be a helluva problem."
You should read the rest of Bill Nemitz's column. It's all kinds of nutty awesome with an extra scoop of unconstitutionality drizzled in hypocrisy. Plus, of course, the comments provide additional entertainment:
Now let me see did you do a piece on the terrorist group Occupy Wall Street? That’s right, the home grown terrorist group. You know the one with the rich kids and their bombs and guns.So, anyway. We'll be on pins and needles tonight waiting to find out if Byron is gonna force crazy ol' Hiram McTwitchypants off Dingle Hill Road to pack a Glock. Exciting times.
"I'll have a gun when they force it into my cold, dead hand."
"The Government is interfering in our lives, and making us do things we may not want. So our Government needs to require everyone to buy things they don't want to protect us against the Government forcing us to do things we don't want". Perfectly logical.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, March 11, 2013
Note: Due to the sequester, two of the four out of five dentists surveyed who recommend sugarless gum to their patients who chew gum have been fired. They each received two weeks of severance Trident.
By the Numbers:
Days 'til St. Patrick's Day: 6
Days 'til the Wild Chicken Festival in Fitzgerald, Georgia: 4
Percent of items accidentally left inside people during surgery that are sponges and needles, respectively: 67%, 9%
(Source: USA Today)
Size of the bonus being given out to employees of L.L. Bean, which saw profits increase to pre-recession levels: 7.5%
Number of new stores L.L. Bean has opened in China: 5
(Source: The Portland Press Herald)
Percent of Americans who say it takes them about a week to feel back to normal after Daylight Saving Time kicks in: 40%
(Source: Better Sleep Council)
NEW! California Dreamin'
an army of Beethoven clones!
In 1983, Ira F. Brilliant donated his collection of about 80 first editions to San José State University to establish the library and archives of the Beethoven Center.Sadly, Beethoven himself won’t be at Netroots Nation. He's still busy decomposing in Vienna and sends his regrets.
Now containing the largest collection of Beethoven materials in the western hemisphere, the Center's rare collections include manuscripts, historical keyboards, scores and books, arts objects and prints, and realia such as the Guevara Lock of Beethoven's Hair.
Puppy Pic of the Day: Serenity now!!!
hourglasses ahead an
hour, too, right?
Zzzzzz…[Jolt awake, check the time]…Zzzzzz…[Jolt awake, check the time]… Zzzzzz…[Jolt awake, check the time]… Zzzzzz…[Jolt awake, check the time]… Zzzzzz…[Jolt awake, check the time]…Guess who overslept anyway?
JEERS to too much water and not enough ShamWOW!s. Today marks the two-year anniversary of the---in order of occurrence---8.9 earthquake, tsunami and meltdown at the Fukushima nuclear complex. Over 15,000 perished. I looked up my C&J entry from that day, and it was interesting to see how it took the media awhile to fully grasp the scope of the disaster:
Please move along.
Someone at CNN thought it was a swell idea to double up on their disaster coverage this morning by interviewing 2012 GOP primary candidate Rick Santorum. While horrifying tsunami footage silently played out on the left side of the screen, Santorum appeared on the right side to offer grown-up words of comfort by railing against gay marriage and calling for U.S. planes to blow up Libya.Yesterday, as cleanup continues for the foreseeable future at the reactor, there were protests in Tokyo calling for an end to nuclear power. Meanwhile The Atlantic has an amazing before-and-after photo essay here (dial-up warning: lots of pics). It's nature's world, we just live in it. Tenuously.
CHEERS to lending a hand. On March 11, 1941, President Roosevelt signed the Lend-Lease Act into law, which allowed American-built war supplies to be shipped to the Allies on loan months before our official entry into World War II. Not to be picky, Britain, but four pencils are still unaccounted for. Sloppy sloppy.
This is a test of the New Pope Detection System. This is only a test:
LOOK! WHITE SMOKE! WHITE SMOKE! NEW POPE DETECTED!
Had this been a real pope sighting, you would've gotten all excited for the briefest of moments until you realized that the new pope is gonna be basically the same as the retired pope. This concludes this test of the New Pope Detection System. Now back to Cheers and Jeers....
CHEERS to checkin' out. Good news---Nelson Mandela was released from the hospital. Doctors say it was nothing more than a mild case of being 94.
CHEERS to the Sith twins. (Or, more accurately, cheers to the endless comedy potential these two assholes provide.) Completing another destructive orbit around the sun today: the cuddly Rupert Murdoch (82), and the man for whom the Speedo was not invented, Antonin Scalia (77). For those of you who think you've hit rock bottom in life, consider this: at least you're not the piece of cake (aka "culinary entitlement") that ends up hoofing it through their digestive system today.
Five years ago in C&J: March 11, 2008
CHEERS to Saturday Night Live. There's been a lot of grumbling about their treatment of Barack Obama over the past two weeks, and the point is taken. At the same time, their 33-year track record of ridiculing the powerful has been pretty good. Case in point: this bit from December, 2000:
George W. Bush (Will Farrell): It’s official---I’m the president! It’s gonna be cool! Hey! Maybe I’ll start a war! Wars are like executions supersized! Did you ever start a war?Scary.
Al Gore (Darrel Hammond): No, George, I never did.
Bush: I hope I can do it. That Dick Cheney’s gonna be one tough boss.
Gore: Actually, George, you’re gonna be his boss.
Bush: HehHehHeh...don’t I wish it.
And just one more…
CHEERS to C&J's new senior editor. And by editor, I mainly mean furry chewer of things not meant to be chewed. This is Haley:
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:-
I'll never know why Bill in Portland Maine's editors didn't send him a quick note, saying, "Um, Billy? Are you sure you want to publish this?"