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My fellow Texican, Kwik, recently observed on DK that our shared home state has the dumbest politicians in the country.  What Kwik failed to elucidate is the cause of that problem.  I have found the truth, and I must share it with Kwik and other concerned DK folks.  

I have it upon good authority that Terrorists are attacking Texas politicians with a potent biological weapon.   It is just like that episode of 24 where the young woman shakes hands with the President and infects him with a deadly poison.  Except this time, the toxic mix regularly transferred in handshakes between Texas Republicans and these wily terrorists is — DtBhJ (Dumber Than a Box of Hair Juice).

This toxin is not equally effective on all persons of ambition.  Some can get a mild dose and see black helicopters during the day; others can get a hearty dose and just outlaw critical thinking in the schoolbooks in Texas.  Let me give you just a few pieces of evidence of the dramatic effects of this diabolical plot (not necessarily in chronological order but all in recent memory).

•Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst recently met with representatives of the Texas Nationalist Movement, a “grassroots” organization dedicated to the secession of Texas from the USA.

•Congressional Representative Louis Gohmert indicated that “certain” members of Congress had ties with the Muslim Brotherhood.

•Texas Congressman Steve Stockman wants to impeach President Obama if he implements any gun violence measures through executive order.

•The Texas Game and Wildlife Commission voted to allow hunters to use “sound suppressors” on their hunting rifles.

•Texas Congressman Steve Stockman claims the Branch Davidian Tragedy was an ATF conspiracy aimed at building support for banning assault weapons.

•Governor Perry recently indicated that accepting Medicaid expansion would be like “putting six million people on board the Titanic.”

•Congressional Representative Louis Gohmert recently informed those on a conference call that limiting the size of gun magazines to 10 rounds was somehow analogous to allowing same sex marriage, polygamy, and bestiality.  

•Kyle Kacal, a member of the Texas House of Representatives, reportedly gave us this timeless piece of wisdom when commenting on the Connecticut tragedy.  “I’ve heard of people being killed playing ping-pong—ping-pongs are more dangerous than guns.”  [ I can see his next campaign slogan now  --  Ping-Pongs don’t kill people, etc.]

•Congressional Representative Louis Gohmert also warned us about “terror babies”—a plot to send pregnant women to the US to have their babies as US citizen, then take them away and train them as terrorist, and then have them return to their “native country” to commit acts of terror.  

Unfortunately, there is some evidence that the infection is being spread to the population in Texas.  This is the scariest course an infectious disease can take, a mutation that makes it dangerous to the entire population, not just a select few.  Tip O’Neill said that all politics is local; we may have to start saying that about stupidity.

•Texas mega-church pastor says Obama’s re-election paves the way for the antichrist.

•Lubbock County Judge Tom Head (an elected official) warned that Obama’s re-election would lead to civil unrest that would be used to bring UN forces into the United States.  He asked for an increase in local property taxes to help prepare for these dire circumstances.

•The Texas Nationalist Movement members believe that the American Civil War did not answer the question of the legality of secession.  As their website indicates, that would be like saying a robbery was legal just because it was successful.  

•In 2012, estimates indicate that 23 percent of Texans believed Barack Obama was a Muslim.

•Over 100,000 Texans signed the White House petition calling for secession from the United States.

All I can say to my fellow Texicans is always use proper hand-washing techniques (you should scrub your hands with soap for as long as it takes you to sing through the song Happy Birthday three times) and wear gloves when forced to touch an infected person. Be safe; be sane.

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