(AP): Despite their strikingly similar policies and political philosophy, long-term Thatcher ally Lord Voldemort today announced that he would be unable to attend the ceremonial funeral to be held on Wednesday. Although the Dark Lord's statement cited scheduling difficulties, insiders within the Death Eater camp let it be known that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did not wish to be associated with such a paragon of absolute evil at this time. (The funeral coincides with Voldemort's campaign to rehabilitate his reputation through the ministrations of the advertising company Saatchi and Saatchi and, of course, of the Murdoch-owned press.) Although the Dark Lord himself will not be attending, he has announced that he will be represented by the Dark Mark scheduled to appear above Saint Paul's Cathedral during the services, and by the various Death Eaters in the current, Tory-led Cabinet.