From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Oh! More Things I Know:
> Every state in New England now allows gay couples to get married. We will never stop bragging about this, so get used to it.Nice evening for a splash in the kiddie pool. C'mon in. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
> I really wish they'da built the George W. Bush Museum in The Hague.
> Whenever I sign my name to anything, I use a separate pen for each individual letter. Then I hand the pens out to random people on the street and thank them for their support.> When you vote for Republicans these days you're essentially saying, "Yes, I approve of cruelty against women, children, minorities, the poor, the elderly, and the planet."More things I know: Pete Seeger
turns 94 today and on his banjo
it says 'This machine surrounds
hate and forces it to surrender.'
> I like to wear 3-D glasses when I leave the house. They make everything look so real.
> In an amazing sign of progress, it's the anti-gay people who are now viewed as the creepy weirdos living in the shadows.
> When I was 19 I wasn't fucking dumb enough to set off bombs. But speaking in general terms, at 19 I was pretty fucking dumb.
> if you're looking to rebrand your product successfully, stay the hell away from Republican rebranding consultants.
> There still isn’t enough material to assemble a volume of verbal gaffes and blunders called "Obamaisms."
> Benedict XVI is furiously poring over ancient Vatican texts looking for a "takesie backsie" clause.
> Pope Francis is furiously hiding the ancient Vatican text containing the "takesie backsie" clause under his mattress.
> To promote self-defense among the citizenry, Americans should be able to, after undergoing a background check and safety course, get a permit to carry a concealed sack of vipers.
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 3, 2013
Note: For those of you who missed the news, the Rapture happened yesterday. Turns out the "next world" is an exact copy of the previous one. Dammit---there goes five thousand bucks in harp lessons down the drain.
By the Numbers:
Days 'til summer: 48
Days 'til the 2013 Galena Dogwood Festival in Maryland: 1
Percent of American adults who are either pissed or disappointed that the Senate failed to pass a background-checks bill last month: 59%
Percent who believe gun laws should generally be tougher and more relaxed, respectively: 54%, 10%
(Source: CBS News/New York Times poll)
Percent change since 2002 in the portion of American women who use the morning-after pill: 175%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Current rank of the Boston Red Sox among all major league baseball teams: #1
Age that ABBA's Dancing Queen---who was "only 17" when the song came out in 1976---would be today: 54
Puppy Pic of the Day: Saved!!!
CHEERS to wankerrific moments avoided. If Mitt Romney had won last November, this is what we would have heard from the Oval Office at 8:31 this morning after the jobs numbers were announced by the Labor Department at 8:30:
employment picture improves on Obama's watch.
"My fellow Americans, I'm proud to announce that, thanks to my leadership and business acumen, we added 165,000 new jobs in April. Further, February’s jobs number has been revised in an upwardly-mobile traectory from 268,000 to 332,000 jobs, and March's number was revised from 88,000 to 138,000. This is a major victory for austerity, and I vow to work with Speaker Boehner and [coughminoritycough] leader McConnell---both of whom have expressed their great admiration for me and my effective job-creation strategy---to double down on our belt-tightening, and sweep the destructive Obama-era policies into the dustbin of history. God bless you, and God bless my car elevator…er, I mean America."But Romney didn’t win, so Republicans were forced today to give credit where credit is due for the positive February, March and April jobs numbers: anywhere but the Oval Office, of course.
CHEERS to "Things That Stick" for $400, Alex. Speaking of labor, 102 years ago today, after being declared unconstitutional in four states, Governor Francis McGovern signed the first workers' compensation law to withstand judicial scrutiny. Guess which state he governed. Yup, good guess---Wisconsin:
In its 1911 report on worker’s compensation, the Wisconsin Industrial Insurance Committee appointed by the 1909 legislature stated that the objectives of the Wisconsin Worker’s Compensation Act were to:To mark the milestone, labor leaders honored the day by doing everything they could to prevent Governor Scott Walker from getting wind of it and destroying it. (He was lured to Chuck E. Cheese's for several hours---never fails.)
1) Furnish certain, prompt and reasonable compensation to the injured employee.
2) Utilize for injured employees a large portion of the great amount of money wasted under the present (liability) system.
3) Provide a tribunal where disputes between employer and employee in regard to compensation may be settled promptly, cheaply and summarily.
4) Provide means of minimizing the number of accidents in industrial pursuits.
CHEERS to the shining city on a hill. Happy 211th Birthday to Washington, D.C., incorporated May 3, 1802. (These old maps are cool---I hear you can see Russia from the Capitol dome!) I was going to send everyone who lives there a gift basket filled with representation to go with your taxation, but Congress says it can’t deliver that item on certain days---namely Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday. So instead I'm sending you a lovely Lincoln Memorial snow globe. (When you shake it, the little plastic Glenn Beck figure falls down the steps and gets an owie.)
CHEERS to gettin' outta Dodge. Gotta give credit to President Obama for knowing exactly how to get revenge on the asshole Republicans who treat him like a human piñata every damn day. Yesterday he self-deported himself to Mexico for a few days of scheming and schmoozing with the scary brown people south of the sacred border that divides God's Chosen People to the pristine north and the godless "illegals" and their jumping beans to the south. I mean, look---he's already mind-controlling their media:
CHEERS to Cinco de Mayo. Speaking of Mexico---(awesome transition, Billy!)---Sunday is the one day a year when we can re-enact the Battle of Puebla using our paintball muskets without getting arrested. At Casa de C&J we'll observe our usual custom of planting a Mexican flag in our neighbor's yard and taking them prisoner. Then, after beating our Archduke Maximilian piñata, we'll dig in to some authentic traditional Irish nachos. People say Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year??? Hardly, amigo.
has a new book out, joins Bill
Maher tonight on "Real Time."
Meanwhile, here's your Sunday morning lineup. Please hold your applause 'til the end. Of never.
Meet the Press: More Boston terror porn with Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT), former Rep. Jane Harman (D-CA), Rep. Tom Cotton (R-AR) and Rudy911; roundtable with Harold Ford, Newt Gingrich, David Brooks, Carly Fiorina and Joy-Ann Reid; Baltimore Ravens linebacker and gay rights supporter Brendon Ayanbadejo on Jason Collins' coming out this week.Happy viewing!
This Week: A giant orgy (tastefully censored with animated cherubs to cover up the naughty bits) with Warren Buffet, James Carville, Mary Matalin, Jim DeMint, Bill Richardson, Cokie Roberts and Whoopie Goldberg.It's "Fox News Sunday's" turn
to babysit John McCain while
Cindy goes shopping.
Face the Nation: More terror porn with GOP Reps. Darrell Issa and Mike Rogers and Democratic Rep. Dutch Ruppersberger; sports roundtable to discuss Jason Collins and gays in sports with Billie Jean King and Martina Navratilova, former Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo, former NFL defensive lineman Esera Tuaolo, Owner of the Washington Wizards Ted Leonsis, president of the NFL Players Association Domonique Foxworth, The New York Times' William Rhoden, and managing editor of Sports Illustrated Chris Stone.
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. Peter King (R-NY) on terror; Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL) on terror; Daveed Gartenstein-Ross of the Foundation for Defense of Democracies and Dr. Zuhdi Jasser of the American Islamic Forum for Democracy on terror; Jessica Stern, former member of the National Security Council under President Clinton on terror. I believe the theme of this edition will be: BE SCARED!!!!!!!!!!
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Fox continues beating the hollow Benghazi drum with John McCain and Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT), but they'll also carve out some time for terror porn; roundtable with Jennifer Rubin, Evan Bayh, Nina Easton and Julie Pace. (Brit Hume, Bill Kristol and the other manly men of Fox were unable to be on the panel this week due to a prior masturbation commitment at the NRA convention.)
Five years ago in C&J: May 3, 2008
JEERS to Quagmire 101. Earlier this week in C&J I asked: with its imminent demise having been predicted for a couple years already, how will we know when the U.S. military is actually "broken?" Unfortunately, I think I know the answer: when soldiers start getting killed while on their seventh fucking tour of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan. The Pentagon Going-out-of-Business sale starts tomorrow at 6am. Get there early so you can snatch up the cream of the Howitzers.
And just one more…
Can you have a great first weekend of this month? Why, yes. Yes you May. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?